Wednesday, October 1, 2008

No chicks, says Nobel Prize: "too moody and whiny"

Sign posted outside the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences

STOCKHOLM, Sweden -- Following on the heels of the Literature Committee's tacit announcement that Americans would not be considered for the literature prize, the Nobel Committee on Physics hung out a sign this week that read, "Bitches Need Not Apply". The sign was noticed outside the offices of the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences on Monday by a köttbullar merchant who brought it to the attention of a Mumble reporter.

Reached by calling the house line at Wanda's Secret Seduction, an exotic gentleman's club in Göteborg (a couple blocks south of the Frederikshavn ferry landing), where he works as a "longevity consultant" to the club's human resources department, Committee Chairman Professor Joseph Nordgren explained that "bitches are too moody and whiny", " just can't do math" and that "he had better things to do than sort through sappy physics papers written by chicks who clearly had never heard of Descartes, spellchecker or Midol." The policy merely formalized a long unofficial tradition of only awarding the Physics prize to men, or, as in the case of Pierre and Marie Curie, to their wives. 

He then hung up the phone, but called back a couple minutes later to add, "Also: no more gooks. And tell that whiny bitch Koshiba that we got all his messages, we just aren't returning them. Check is in the mail, sucker!" He then hung up again and our repeated calls were not returned. 

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