Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Badasses : Nerd Post 171 Best Wikipedia Posts and Categories

A loony bookmarks 4,200 articles on Wikipedia. Sorts through them all and posts top 171. Other loonies chastise him, add to list and calculate said time to compile said list. (1 minute per article, 70 hours total) and here's what he got. It's pretty badass. Henceforth, he's a badass. Click through for the list and waste the rest of the day. From Something Awful.

1 Marree Man 7.8
2 War Plan Red 7.4
3 Vela Incident 7.2
4 Tybee Bomb 7.2
5 United States Numbered Highways 7.1
6 Wow! Signal 7.1
7 Tube Bar Prank Calls 6.9
8 Kola Superdeep Borehole 6.8
9 Back to the Future Timeline 6.8
10 Year Without a Summer 6.8
11 K Foundation Burn a Million Quid 6.8
12 Sokal Affair 6.8
13 Blue Peacock 6.7
14 Veerappan 6.7
15 Person From Porlock 6.7
16 Eternal Flame 6.6
17 U.S. Color-Coded War Plans 6.6
18 The Wedge (Border) 6.6
19 Mohave Phone Booth 6.5
20 Stanislav Petrov 6.5
21 Valery Sablin 6.4
22 The Man on the Clapham Omnibus 6.4
23 Special Atomic Demolition Munition 6.4
24 Piracy in the Strait of Malacca 6.3
25 Prometheus (tree) 6.2
26 Zone of Alienation 6.2
27 Fan Death 6.2
28 Outlawries Bill 6.2
29 Raymond Robinson (Green Man 6.2
30 Scoville Scale 6.2
31 Kardashev Scale 6.2
32 Larry Walters 6.1
33 Joshua A. Norton 6.1
34 Fabergé egg 6.1
35 Issei Sagawa 6.1
36 Joseph Jagger 6.1
37 Traumatic Insemination 6.1
38 James Joseph Dresnok 6.0
39 Ivy League Nude Posture Photos 6.0
40 Jim Corbett (Hunter) 6.0
41 Just-World Phenomenon 6.0
42 Nicholas Bourbaki 6.0
43 Humanzee 6.0
44 Old Man of the Lake 6.0
45 Alexamenos Graffito 6.0
46 Fairy Chess Piece 5.9
47 Michael Fagan Incident 5.9
49 Palomares Hydrogen Bomb Incident 5.9
50 As Slow as Possible 5.9
51 Bouvet Island 5.9
52 Joshua Milton Blahyi 5.9
53 Centralia, Pennsylvania 5.8
54 The Black Book 5.8
55 Tehachapi Loop 5.8
56 Arbre du Ténéré 5.8
57 Hiroo Onoda 5.8
58 If by Whisky 5.8
59 Peaceful Nuclear Explosions 5.8
60 Planned Shrinkage 5.7
61 Predictions of Soviet Collapse 5.7
62 Clause IV 5.7
63 Marvin Heemeyer 5.7
64 Two Cunts in a Kitchen 5.7
65 Octopus Wrestling 5.7
66 Cliff Young 5.6
67 Sylvestre Matuschka 5.6
68 Gustave (Crocodile) 5.5
69 Leatherman (vagabond) 5.5
70 Saddam Hussein's Novels 5.5
71 Battle cry 5.4
72 Doomsday Argument 5.4
73 Egg of Columbus 5.4
74 Technical Tap 5.4
75 Martial Races Theory 5.4
76 Buffalo buffalo… 5.4
77 Cherubina de Gabriak 5.3
78 Hapax Legomenon 5.3
79 Descent From Antiquity 5.2
80 Graham's Number 5.2
81 Laconia Incident 5.2
82 Margaret Hogg 5.2
83 Richard C. Weaver 5.2
84 Casu Marzu 5.2
85 Bummer and Lazarus 5.2
86 Rochom P'ngieng 5.2
87 Russell's Teapot 5.2
88 Bloody Island (Mississippi River 5.2
89 Lion-Eating Poet in the Stone Den 5.2
90 Oak Island 5.2
91 Norwegian Rocket Incident 5.1
92 Brian Douglas Wells 5.1
93 Flag of Bikini Atoll 5.1
94 Iron Pillar of Delhi 5.1
95 Shades of Death Road 5.1
96 Caste-Related Violence in India 5.0
97 Wild Bill Hickok-Davis Tutt shootout 5.0
98 Higest Unclimbed Mountain 5.0
99 Lady Be Good (aircraft) 5.0
100 Ideal German Campaign 5.0
101 Leck Mich Im Arsch 5.0
102 Atomic Bomb Go Game 4.9
103 Paris 1968 4.9
104 Dioxippus 4.9
105 Fleet in Being 4.9
106 Frontier Thesis 4.9
107 Gaëtan Dugas 4.9
108 Color of the Bikeshed 4.8
109 Burst of Joy 4.8
110 Four Dead in Five Seconds Gunfight 4.8
111 Cymothoa exigua 4.8
112 Harry K. Daghlian Jr 4.8
113 Kinetic Bombardment 4.8
114 Vasili Arkhipov 4.8
115 Jerimoth Hill 4.8
116 Yukio Mishima 4.8
117 Tom and Eileen Lonergan 4.8
118 Royal Fish 4.8
119 George P. Burdell 4.7
120 Cincinnati Subway 4.7
121 Dugway Sheep Incident 4.7
122 Lichtenberg's Avertissement 4.7
123 Drake's Plate of Brass 4.6
124 Hansa Carrier 4.6
125 Lace Car 4.6
126 Atari Video Game Burial 4.6
127 Blood in the Water Match 4.5
128 Cowboy 4.5
129 Degree Confluence Project 4.5
130 Lp0 on Fire 4.5
131 1973 National Archives Fire 4.4
132 Baldwin Street, Dunedin 4.4
133 Blood-Vomiting Game 4.4
134 P = NP Problem 4.4
135 Tree That Owns Itself 4.4
136 Cadaver Synod 4.4
137 Stagger Lee 4.4
138 Three Whom God Should… 4.4
139 Lake Woebegon Effect 4.3
140 Champawat Tiger 4.2
141 Minor Scale 4.2
142 Dunning-Kruger effect 4.2
143 Gaslighting 4.2
144 Lead Masks Case 4.2
145 Perfidious Albion 4.2
146 Aokigahara 4.2
147 Height of Land Portage 4.1
148 Martha Mitchell Effect 4.1
149 Ashley's Hundred 4.1
150 Dead Hand (nuclear war) 4.1
151 Man Singh (dacoit) 4.1
152 And you are lynching Negros 4.0
153 Brfxx...116 4.0
154 Locus Amoenus 4.0
155 Lloyds Bank Coprolite 4.0
156 David A. Johnston 3.9
157 Leopard of Rudraprayag 3.9
158 Adolf Lu Hitler Marak 3.9
159 Aron Ralston 3.9
160 Boot Monument 3.9
161 Mise En Abyme 3.9
162 Larry Mattlage 3.8
163 Mel's Hole 3.8
164 Eric Moussambani 3.6
165 Baghdad Battery 3.5
166 Corinthian Leather 3.5
167 Mount Yamantaw 3.4
168 Atacama Desert 3.2
169 Anaconda Smelter Stack 3.1
170 Air New Zealand Flight 901 3.0
171 Bear JJ1 2.8

1 List of Cognative Biases 8.2
2 Narratology 7.8
3 Military Strategy 7.8
4 Stock Characters 7.7
5 List of People Who Have Disappeared 7.6
6 List of Military Nuclear Accidents 7.5
7 Mysterious People 7.4
8 List of Fatal Bear Attacks in N. America… 7.4
9 List of Military Tactics 7.4
10 List of Massacres 7.3
11 Cognative Biases 7.3
12 Stock Characters 7.2
13 Hoaxes 7.2
14 List of Numbered H'ways in the U.S. 7.2
15 List of Extremely Hazardous Substances 7.2
16 List of Famous Trees 7.1
17 The Thirty-Six Dramatic Situations 7.0
18 List of Heroic Stock Characters 6.9
19 List of Paradoxes 6.9
20 List of Largest Non-Nuclear Explosions 6.9
21 List of Places Blurred Out On Google Maps 6.8
22 Plot Devices 6.7
23 Exploration 6.7
24 Paradoxes 6.5
25 List of Memory Biases 6.5
26 Ship Types 6.5
27 Rhetorical Techniques 6.4
28 Logical Fallacies 6.4
29 List of Fatal Wolf Attacks 6.4
30 Rules of Thumb 6.4
31 Extreme Points of the World 6.3
32 Gestures 6.3
33 List of Rainbow Codes 6.3
34 Semantics 6.2
35 List of Poisonings 6.1
36 List of American Defectors in the Korean War 6.1
37 List of Statues of Lenin 6.1
38 Controversies 5.9
39 List of Explorers 5.9
40 List of Self-Contradicting Words in English 5.9
41 Nuclear Tests 5.8
42 Motif of Harmful Sensation 5.6
43 Word Play 5.5
44 List of Deaths on Eight Thousanders 5.5
45 Phantom Islands 5.4
46 List of Camouflage Patterns 5.3
47 Indian Castes 5.1
48 Modern Street Gangs 5.0
49 Phrases 5.0
50 Bible Errata 5.0
51 English Words With Uncommon Properties 4.6
52 List of Unusual Personal Names 4.6
53 Unsolved Problems 4.4
54 American Old West Gunfights 4.1
55 Nuclear Warfare 4.1
56 Chord Progressions 4.0

From Something Awful

For another Wikipedia list that shows Non-Wikiedia websites look HERE.
For other lists check out 7 reasons why Crispin Glover is Awesome HERE.
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Friday, September 25, 2009

Matt Damon Makes Adrian Grenier Look Like A Bitch

I think most people agree Matt Damon is one of the cooler movie stars in Hollywood. The Jason Bourne series is totally badass. Well, here he proves he also doesn't take any shit from two bit hacks, either. He totally smacks Adrian Grenier down during a promotional taping for his charity. Although, it might be from onset footage from Entourage. Either way, it looks real! More »

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Yo Dude, Where Was Your Dad Last Night

This is why you don't let the crackheads sing at a funeral. It's pretty impressive that the only words he knows TO the song he "sings" are in the f*cking title. Nice going, jackass. Way to represent. Wait for 2:10 where he puts the soul in soul plane. I'm sure this is what Whitney's funeral is gonna sound like.

If you liked this post, you should check out, Yo Dude, Where Was Your Mom Last Night.
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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Fat Kids Getting Hurt Video Montage

This is a pretty good one...for more Fat Kids videos, go HERE.

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BadAssvertising : "And Hispanic People, Too!"

Thanks, Larocca.
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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Kevin Smith Talks About Tim Burton/Nic Cage's Superman

Kevin Smith is a funny, funny dude. Here he tells a 20 minute story about how the Death of Superman movie was squashed after years of rewriting and director hirings and firings since being started in 1994. Kevin Smith was brought on after his success with Clerks and being asked to direct Chasing Amy. Well Jon Peters was to be the producer and he wanted Kevin Smith to write it but he gave him a few conditions.
Peters wanted him to write the script so as to never see Superman in his costume (it was gay), never see him fly and to have him fight a giant spider for the finale. Oh, and he wanted their to be a gay robot in it to serve as an addition for merchandising profits. Click through for his hilarious telling of the story and all the evidence you need of why Hollywood is the biggest bunch of dumbasses of any industry or evidence of what someone who does entirely too much blow might think.

Kevin went ahead with a few rewrites of the script and then Tim Burton came in. Needless to say, he wanted a different script by his own team of writers. Kevin was canned, Nicolas Cage signed on, the movie was then put on hold after both Burton and Cage quit and was finally put to rest some years later. Needless to say, this would've been one of the biggest pieces of shit in Hollywood history.

Jon Peters

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Thursday, September 17, 2009

World's Douchiest Douche Sings Douchiest Song

This is Daniel Madelone. He is a "stuntman turned songwriter." After the jump is the video for his song, "America We Stand As One." He is from New Jersey and the video is f*cking awesome. And when I say awesome I mean the biggest piece of shit in history. This is the reason why everyone hates us. Well that and New Jersey. Click through for video, lyrics and links.

Drawn by Jon, Age 8

From Maddox aka the bestpageintheuniverse.com

"The premise: I can draw better, spell better, and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:
Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of shit.F"
Sorry Jon, Daniel Madelone has got you beat. But don't fret, I'm sure he's been doing things shittily for about 40 years longer than you. You have to check out his website. It's horrible too.

Daniel's Webpage
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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Ernie Anastos Gives Kanye West Sound Advice : "Keep F*cking That Chicken!"

Click to Enlarge.

I have no idea what this even means apart from the obvious. I'm sure it will turn into a catchphrase for jackasses everywhere.

Son: Daddy, I can't play the guitar...my fingers aren't big enough.

Father: Son, I'll tell you what my father told me, don't ever say "can't," no matter what...you gotta keep f*cking that chicken!

But in a normal news segment from the beloved Fox News, Ernie Anastos makes a strange comment following a weather report and then bellows the piece of advice that leaves his co-anchor baffled. Maybe the weatherman was actually f*cking a chicken. That would be interesting. I'm sure we'll get to the bottom of Chicken Gate soon enough. Look forward to hearing PETA's comments on chicken f*cking! Click through for the clip.

For more badass posts about chicken (yes I just typed that...) go HERE.

from Gawker
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Monday, September 14, 2009

Kseniya Simonova : Ukraine's Got Talent Winner

Kseniya Simonova, definitely out of your league.

Talk about hot chicks doing cool things. Watch this and fall in love with Kseniya Simonova. She does what they call sand animation. Definition from Wikipedia:

A type of performance art where the artist creates a series of images using sand, a process which is achieved by applying sand to a surface and then rendering images by drawing lines and figures in the sand with one's hands.
As a contestant on Ukraine's got talent, it's obvious that she did something cute and pretty to make the judges laugh. No, we're talking about the Ukraine. Her story is of the Ukranian Massacre where Polish soldiers murdered Ukrainian civilians in the eastern village of Pawlokoma in March 1945 as revenge for the Ukrainians killing about 10 Poles. The internet says it's of Germany conquering Ukraine in the Second World War. Whatever, it's as elegantly told as she is beautiful. Oh yeah, she won, of course, but only a measly $125,000. That song you hear that you think you know but you know you don't know shit about classical music? Well, don't think you're some type of renaissance man. That's Apocalyptica (you don't know) doing Metallica's (you do know), Nothing Else Matters. Her video and pics after the jump.

For another hot chick doing cool things on America's Got Talent, check out Lilia Stepanova. Now she's not American but it didn't stop Hasselhoff from ogling her. The post is HERE.

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Sunday, September 13, 2009

Roger Federer is a Badass

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Thursday, September 10, 2009

Rambo 5 : Science Fiction Thriller! WTF?

This is insane. Rambo must be suffering from dementia. Apparently he forgot he's Rambo and not Arnie Scwartzy from Predator. He is supposed to be slaughtering whichever bad guys America's political regime is currently at war with. Which, last time I checked, there are no healthcare insurance companies remotely fucking close to the Arctic Circle!

Check out the synopsis after the jump!

John Rambo could track anyone - or anything - on earth. Now the military desperately needs him for a mission that his ultrasensitive instincts tell him he should refuse. A beast is loose somewhere north of the Artic Circle. It has already decimated a secret research facility and annihilated a squad of elite military guards. And the raging creature is headed south toward civilization, ready to wreak bloody devastation.

It's a job that Rambo and his 22-year-old hunting partner, Beau Brady, can't turn down, but they and a team of highly-skilled special forces kill team discover that the prey is a terror beyond their wildest imagination - a half-human abomination created by a renegade agency through a series of outlawed genetic experiments. It has man's cunning, a predator's savageness, and a prehistoric power that has transcended the ages. And even if Rambo and Beau survive its unrelenting hunger for human blood, they'll still have to confront the grim reality that it may have grown immortal.

via Horror-Movies

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Google Super Sizes Home Page, Nerds Everywhere Lose their Shit

Click for original size.

Google made their search box about 20% larger and increased their font size by a hair, thereby securing them a stranglehold on the senior citizen porn search engine market. So, of course, the internet is full of chatter demanding for a reverse to the old ways. These assholes have complained since the beginning, but Google has came along way since the original design. Click through for a pictorial evolution of Google all the way back to day one.

Original Prototype (Nov 11, 1998) hosted on Stanford University servers.

Moves off Stanford servers. (Dec 2, 1998)
Drops exclamation mark and add links to government searches. (Nov 6, 1999)

Starts bragging. (Nov 29, 1999)

Allow for easy adding of Google buttons to websites. (Mar 1, 2000)

Learns new languages. (May 10, 2000)

Hit over a billion webpages to search from. Brags some more. (July 11, 2000)

Ads AdWords. (October 27, 2000)

Starts offering dumb slogans each day. (March 31, 2001)

Tribute to 9/11 homepage. 6 days after 9/11. Their design dept. is FAST.

Clear off the crap. (November 27, 2001)

Adds Google News. (October 1, 2002)

Tabs to links and adds Froogle. (March 25 2004)

Throws up Picasa. (July 17, 2004)

Hurricane Katrina page. (September 2, 2005)

They turn 7 years old. (September 27, 2005)

Google learns how to write Arabic. (October 12, 2207)


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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Lingerie Football League debuts With Slutty Awesomeness

Chicks in sportsbras and bikini bottoms. No field goals, no punts and no clothes. Sounds like magic. It is. The often blogged about league finally had it's debut this Labor Day weekend. And unlike other powder puff football leagues, this one is tackle. And bitches hit each other. I have yet to see the footage but I tend to think that based upon the recorded conversations from the wife in the Blagojevic Scandal, women in Chicago are used to being hit, and therefore, the know how to hit back.

As evidenced by the above photo, apparently tackling by pulling down one another's panties is encouraged and I doubt this will have a hard time gathering a a respective sports bar pay-per-view following. Some of these girls are really hot.

Great slogan. The debut resulted in the Chicago Bliss beating the Miami Caliente 29 - 19. More details, pics and videos after the jump. Oh yeah, and Mike Ditka has an ownership in the league. But, you knew he was awesome already.

In case you care about the rules, they are different than men's football. If not, skip to the pics...
Play style is full-contact and similar to other indoor football leagues. Uniforms consist of helmets, shoulder pads, elbow pads, knee pads, sports bras, and shorts.

There are no field goals and no punts. There is a kickoff to start the game and second half.[1] A team must attempt to get a first down on every fourth down. After a touchdown, a team can attempt a one-point conversion from the two yard line, or a two-point conversion from the five-yard line.

There are seven women on each side of the 50-yard field, the same as the Continental Indoor Football League, but one less than the eight players usually found in arena football or other indoor leagues. Teams consist of 18 players, only 12 of whom are active on game day. This means that there are usually 3 or 4 players who play both offense and defense.

The standard offensive formation features 1 quarterback, 2 running backs, 1 center, and 3 wide receivers. The standard defensive formation features 2 defensive linewomen, 2 linebackers, 2 cornerbacks, and 1 safety.

The field is 50-yard between end zones, 30 yards wide, and the end zones are 8 yards deep, roughly the same as other indoor leagues. [2]

A game consists of two 15-minute halves, separated by a 12-minute halftime. In the event of a tie, an 8-minute sudden-death overtime is played.

From the initial idea with wardrobe malfunctions and commentary by Jenny McCarthy, Cindy Margolis and some douche that annoys me like Ryan Seacrest, fast forward to 4:39 to find its target market...

Pics VIA 1 2 3

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Thursday, September 3, 2009



My bad...I forgot to tell you it was a tetrahedron.

Adapted from Reddit.


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Tsimfuckis Juggalo : Yet another Reason Why Black People Hate White People

Tsimfuckis : Juggalo 4 Life

This shit is bizarre. I guess Juggalos do come in all shapes and sizes. This one in the dwarf weirdo size. No, I'm no hating on Tsimfuckis for suffering from progeria, I'm hating on him for acting like a wigger jackass on YouTube. I mean as far as progeria goes, most sufferers die by the age of 10, this idiot is 16. So I guess he's got that going for him. These damn Juggaloes, just when you think you've seen the weirdest they got, they give you this. Click through for his videos addressing "all the haters out there that say (he) has a penis coming out my f*ckin' stomach. F*ck y'all!" Yeah, he says that. Lots of pics too.

Read all about Tsimfuckis on his own Encyclopedia Dramatica page. (Encyclopedia Dramatica is Wikipedia for all things 4Chan.)
On his page they speculate as to how he was conceived:

"One theory on this beast's conception was that its parents had sex on top of a barrel of industrial toxic waste while smoking a cocktail of crystal meth, crack cocaine and fertilizer, and eating copious amounts of Nerf. This seems like the most unlikely theory since ingesting serious amounts of drugs during pregnancy still could not create an ugly little thing like that...unless it was the Nerf. "

People say he's dead, but his Facebook page says otherwise.

To learn all about the backstory on the bullshit Tsimfuckis starts spewing at the end, check all the older posts on Juggalos. Be sure and read the comments, Juggalos HATE me. ALL JUGGALOS POSTS

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Marky Mark Workout Video

Marky Mark : Kizzee! You Pig! What are you doin?
Kizzee: What? I'm eating some grub
Marky Mark : What are you doin?
Kizzee: I'm eating some grub! (says with mouth full) Can't I eat some grub?
Marky Mark : What are you eatin?
Kizzee: I got all the groups here.
Marky Mark : This is a fitness video.
Kizzee: Your fitness video. Whats the difference between me eating this (huge plate of sub sandwiches and you eating that? (points to nothing)
Marky Mark : Come on, I got a nutritionist I want to introduce you to.
Kizzee: What's he gonna tell me that I don't already know?
Marky Mark : THAT YOUR A PIG! POW!

Classically Funky! Click through to watch him do what he does best. What is that you might ask? BE A BADASS! THAT'S WHAT!

Thanks for the link, Larrocca!
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Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Don't fall asleep with your stove on, Sucka!

Starting a new segment today regarding cooking. I learned when I first moved to New York that I was way too poor to eat at any of the top shelf restaurants that this city is known for. And because food is such a staple of conversation as well as indicator of breeding/culture, if you're 30 years old and you only eat pizza/McDonald's every day, your prospects for gettin laid are probably pretty slim. If you were like me, you probably are pretty broke, even more so now than before. Ladies love to eat, so unless you want to drop at least a bill on dinner, get a couple of bottles of wine prepare to wow her with your culinary skills. This segment, Ghetto Gourmand, will take a fancy recipe, usually having a foreign name and cut out all the expensive ingredients and substitute regular cheap shit you can find at any supermarket to produce a dish that will definitely keep your lady marinating all night. Before we get to the details, a few life pointers to turn you into a Ghetto Gourmand:

Step One : Watch Top Chef

Step Two : Find 2 or 3 simple dishes and make them often until you can make them well while drunk.a> This is important, cause if you are reading this blog, you will probably be in this state often. For a start, begin here. 101 Badass Simple Recipes from the NY Times

Step Three : Talk about what you have made. People will be full of all types of suggestions as to how to improve your dish and what you did wrong. Although they only offer these to show that they are superior to you, remember them, cause they are probably giving away there best shit for free.

Step Four : Try a new dish every month.

Step Five : If you don't understand a technique, look it up on YouTube. I use it all the time.

After a year, you will notice a considerable difference in your cooking. However, because there has been no change in your considerable drinking, don't be surprised to not only find the sordid mess that is your apartment, but also the disaster is now your kitchen. It is not rare for me to drunkenly declare something along the lines of "I make the best f*cking chicken fried steak in New York City!" At 1 am. which will explain the rail of flour from the kitchen to your bedroom. Sitting right next to the pool of vomit/urine. Whichever is your drunken excess of choice.

Last night I decided to make something I have never made before but have tasted before. This is important. You shouldn't try something you haven't tasted. It's hard to determine what you did wrong when you screwed it up. So for the step by step recipe with many photos, click through to start your foray into the world of the Ghetto Gourmand and the recipe that I call, INVOLTINI DI CARNE ALLA MUMBLES.

As I said, we're gonna keep these recipes cheap. The limit I have placed on myself is $20.00. Heres the receipt as proof.

Now for a brief review of the ingredients.

5 or 6 slices of Round Steak or London Broil (some places even have it labeled braccioli)
6 New Potatoes (you don't have to peel these)
1 head of garlic
1 bottle of red wine (Cabernet Sauvignon is what I use, and usually Australian, more on this later)
1 package of mushrooms
Fresh Sage and Rosemary
1 large shallot
Beef stock (if you use the liquid type as shown in the pic below get low sodium, the bouillion cubes are much cheaper, but I like the liquid better)
Bacon, prosciutto is better, but the shit is expensive
A slice of provolone for every slice of meat you have
Wax paper or Saran wrap
Flour, cornstarch or Bisto
Olive Oil

Prep all your ingredients as shown below. notice there is one large bulb of garlic finely sliced in the top left. These are for your meat. The remaining whole bulbs are for your potatoes

Lay a sheet of your wax paper down under your meat. Make it big enough so you can move the meat across three time before laying down another. It will get beat to hell by the rather unorthodox method of thinning I use and it makes prep time faster if you don't have to keep tearing out another one all the time.

Lay another one the same size to cover it.

Take your wine bottle, upright in hand and beat the shit out of it slowly but forcefully starting at the edges and work your way to the middle. It should be at least 1.5X larger than when you started, 2X is the best, but I'm lazy.

1.5X bigger.

Drizzle a small amount of your olive oil so your herbs stick to the meat. Spread it with your fingers to cover one side of the meat. Resist the urge to do what you normally do when your fingers are covered with any type of lubricant. REMEMBER there is a lady present. Stick said lubed fingers in the lady's ear. They LOVE this. It shows them you are playful in the kitchen and not a maniac after watching severely beat slabs of meat for the past ten minutes.

Sprinkle rosemary, thyme and pepper.



Yeah, remember that shit you usually eat? I said pizza and Mickey D's? Well throw Taco Bell in there too and roll it like a burrito. This will probably be the only step you don't f*ck up, so relish it. Use toothpicks to help secure it. You don't want the cheese melting in the pan, if it does, it's okay, but do your best, lackey.

Place pan on medium high heat. Let it get really hot, then place a couple of teaspoons of olive oil in it. Let it heat. When you can roll the pan and the oil flows freely in any direction let it sit for about 30 more seconds and you are ready to go. Sear the top first till it gets brown as shown below, do the same for the bottom. I use tongs then to stand each roll up and sear the folded portion of the roll a bit. Not necessary, but it works to maintain the hold for the 20 - 30 minutes it will be sitting in the broth and wine.

Remove the rolls from the pan and let it sit. This will help them congeal as well as produce juices. You want this for your sauce. The stuff you see in the pan below is a collection of meat dripping, cheese and oil. We're gonna use this. Turn the heat down a bit. Should still be at about medium heat now.

Throw in garlic and shallots. Disperse them evenly but keep them sitting on the part of the pan that is directly above the flame. Once they are evenly separated, don't stir them, let them sit in place for a bit.

Once the start to get translucent, push them to the outside of the pan. There is much less heat here, they will essentially stay warm but it will keep them from burning. Oh and those sweet juices will keep melding with the oil. Your guest should be burning with hunger by now. It should smell awesome in your apartment, providing you've bathed in the past few days. offer her another glass of wine and tell her this story.

"A lot of people talk shit about the synthetic cork (the lower grade Australian wines almost always have these) but Yellowtail is the number one imported wine in America a lot of this has to do with the fact that America has a lot more winos than it used to due to the huge layoffs on Wall Street, but hey, at least I have a job! (this reminds her that you are gainfully employed) Wine snobs argue that the synthetic cork serves only as a plug. It does nothing to tell the connoisseur of the ageing of the flavors of the wine. They argue that synthetic corks are not good for wine that's consumed after being stored for five years. And to that I say, "Eat a dick!" (don't say that, say some thing like Sacre Bleu!, it sounds classier, continuing on...)

When's the last time you had a bottle of wine in your house for more than five years? Never? Yeah, me either. Shit tastes good right, baby? And the food smells good? That's right. Play DJ, darling, Daddy can't let the garlic burn."

Place the carrots in the center first. These take longer to cook, so do as I say and spread them evenly.

Now the mushrooms, lay them on TOP. Don't mix them in. You are gonna cover this so they will sweat and wilt.

Probably 10 minutes of cooking to get them to this stage.

Now pour half of a cup of wine, maybe 3/4 of a cup. It has to reduce to half of what it started at. Cover the bottom of the pan liberally. Heat should still be at medium. REMOVE COVER FOR THIS STEP.

When it has reduced, should be about 10 minutes or so, add beef broth, probably a cup or so. You want it to come up to half the height of the rolls and place them back in the pan now. Put rolls on center of heat source and nestle the vegetables around it like so.

Let this cook for about 20 or 30 minutes. While this is happening, quarter your potatoes and place them in cold water so they don't turn brown from the air. Cook sauce until it starts to reduce and thicken. Remove the rolls when it thickens and turn heat to low.

You should have filled your pot for the potatoes with water and salted it liberally, 2 or 3 tablespoons of salt, covered it and brought it to boil on high heat while sauce was thickening. It should come to a boil right about when sauce thickens. PLACE POTATOES AND GARLIC IN NOW, NOT BEFORE. Keep it half covered to maintain high heat but do so to prevent it from boiling over. It should cook for about ten minutes. When you can stick a knife in the pieces and pull them from the water, if they fall off from the weight of the potato, they are done. Remove from water immediately and strain, because they'll keep cooking. You don't want to screw up your best chance of seeing ANY action from mealy potatoes. TRUST ME.

Cooking requires you to do a bunch a shit at the same time, so while the potatoes are cooking, you should be working your sauce. You want it thick. When you put a spoon in it, you should have a thick coating of it left on after removing it. A millimeter or so. I thickened mine with Bisto. Look it up. It's the easiest for when you are drunk and I am almost always drunk when I decide to take a step like making a new meal. I mean you 've been working for about an hour and 15 minutes at this point (easiest way out). Flour and cornstarch works but it's easy to create clumps and a can of Bisto will last forever and lends itself to beef sauces due to it's inherent flavor. You can use it for cottage pie and other things, so it won't go to waste. Thicken your sauce, mash your potatoes and add milk and butter. Add a spoon full of butter to the sauce for the girl on the couch to the sauce. And your done.

Remove the toothpicks from the rolls that have been sitting and slice them into medallions (little circles). Plate and serve. I chose a horrible presentation method but I was wasted on cheap vodka and waxing philosophical on etymology of involtini, to volcano, to Voltaire and decided to have the rolls and sauce ERUPT from the potatoes. Bad idea. It looked like a mess. My old lady suggested a simple potatoes with sauce on one side and the rolls arranged cut side up with a drizzle of sauce. I think this is better. I hope you try it. I'm out.

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