Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Meet Punjab, The REAL Transporter

"Mr. Statham, Mr. Statham. Please report to you local unemployment office."

This Indian man stacks 20 bricks or more on top of his head to transport them to his local job site all for a paltry 10 rupees an hour. How much did you get to make that movie? Like 10 million pounds? Geesh!

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Bush Pardons Rapper, Obviously Has Cocaine, Running Around In His Brain

Daily WTF. Citibank gets the equivalent of a $1,000 for every man, woman and child in America. Jaguar Landrover wants in on the bailout. Bush pardons a RAPPER convicted of smuggling in $1.4 million bucks of liquid cocaine into the US in a briefcase. Why was he freed? Cause he knew Carly Simon. Or maybe Dubya just really loves that Fugees record, The Score. (he co-wrote and produced two songs on it) Shoot.Me.Now.

Dubya Frees Forte

Dillinger - Cocaine In My Brain

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Monday, November 24, 2008

Axl, Ali G Called, He Want's His Look Back

It's hard to take someone seriously as a tortured rock star when they have stolen their entire look from a fake rapper who lives with his mums. Apart from the realization that Chinese Democracy will do zero sales in the country by which it is named (due to the banning for having "Democracy" in the name, "Can I get a no shit, people?") it's release yesterday, at least here in the city, was met with little hype. Missing from today's buzz reels and passed around YouTube videos was the usual footage that comes with an album as awaited as this one, the midnight lines of fans waiting to be the first to purchase Chinese Democracy. I'm sure it will debut at number one, but I'm glad sales are going to be lower than expected. I hate Axl AND his fake hair. Weirdo. Rolling Stone

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Find Pruthviraj "Wolfboy" Patil, Win A Prize!

Aww man! I love Wolfboy! Granted, the source for this story is The Sun UK which is about as reliable a lifejacket made of prayers, but still, it's good news in my book. Now when I say they found a cure I obviously ain't talking about a razor, throwing lye in his face (a la Burt and Linda Pugachor) or laser removal. They tried all that shit, this kid's facial hair is the perennial engine that ain't taking no for an answer! It never stops growing! Well of course an American found a cure! More photos and story after the jump, oh yeah, for all you non-limeys out there, boffin means scientist, no one can agree on the etymology, but if you care about that stuff, the wikipedia entry entertained me for a few. Get at it.

Wolfboy has a a disease called hypertrichosis. And it isn't just his face that's covered in hair, it's his whole body. This kid has always had some hairy hairy balls!

So, "What's the cure! Tell us, Tell us!," you say! TESTOSTERONE!

WTF! "That's what my partner is taking to deepen her voice and GROW hair on her face and chest, BEFORE her operation," you say!

Yeah, yeah I know. But those boffins, they come up with the weirdest shit. My mother too. She told me at the age of four that whiskey tastes bad but it sure will fix a boo-boo...or a toothache or a bad day or the tv breakin or the car getting stolen...you get my point. But she was right!

So maybe the boffins will be too! Alas, wolf boy, you may finally feel the wonderful sensation of a woman running her hand across your furry stubble of your nipples.

Wikipedia says only 19 people "suffer" from it. Teh sun says 50. Who knows. Go Boffins!

Wolfboy having a bad hair day.

Wolfboy getting ready for his annual yearbook photo.

Wolfboy, 30 seconds after shaving.

Story and photos stolen from the Sun!

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Take Away the Legal Drugs and Prostitution, The Netherlands Are Still Awesome

I know it's not even Thanksgiving yet, but here's a hilarious three part video montage of David Sedaris reading his story, 6-8 Black Men. It outlines the differences between the folklore surrounding St. Nicholas in the Netherlands vs. here in the States, namely that Santa rolls around with a crew of 6-8 black men, not some pussy ass elves. His delivery is hilarious. Videos after the jump.

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Here is a link to his funniest and best selling book, Naked.

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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Renounce Your Citizenship, Erase Your Debt and Join a Cult

I was reading the NY Post today on the train coming to work in order stop staring at the most disgusting behemoth of a woman to ever have a short, South American (that's redundant, isn't it?) attempt to place his arms around her. And the article I got stuck on was about this drunken half Pakistani/Afghan who ran into a livery cab and killed the driver and this hot passenger. So immediately I was like, "You bastard!"

Daryush Omar and victim Panayiota "Penny" Demetriou

The guy looked just like any other wannabe thug from Jersey. The US had tried to deport him a number of times but unlike any other thug from New Jersey, he had a brain and used it. He renounced his Afghani citizenship thereby thwarting the men in charge with the question of "Where to deport him to?" So he avoided deportation and killed two people.

But back to the "how to" of the title....answer after the break.

No I know this is a convoluted way to get to the point but I started thinking a few things:
  1. Good God that woman is fat! (see above)
  2. Good God that man is short! (see above)
  3. How do you renounce your citizenship?
  4. Could this be used as a cleaner but more complicated way of absolving yourself of your debts? (providing you didn't mind moving to another country...)
So with little effort I found almost all my answers on The Straight Dope. They said:

(1) Travel to a country with which the U.S. has liberal entry/exit policies, i.e., where all that is needed to enter/exit is a birth certificate.
(2) Renounce citizenship in the U.S. embassy there.
(3) Do not indicate what citizenship you'll be acquiring.
(4) Get back to U.S. soil with your birth certificate.
(5) Wait for the state department to issue your certificate of loss of nationality without noticing you did not truly emigrate anywhere.
(6) Have a local court rule that you have an underlying `natural' nationality that entitles you to live on U.S. soil without being a citizen.
Simple enough, huh? So now if someone has a small amount of debt, I'm guessing less than 300,000 and doesn't owe a shitload in taxes (if you're worth over a half a mil you are held to be a tax evader, ipso facto) you could renounce your citizenship, find you a nice girl somewhere else, stay with her awhile and Tada! you have a new passport and with it, all the benefits a new identity affords you. Just a thought. I doubt it would be worth any creditors trying to track you down.

As far as joining the cult, that's just silly. You can figure that out for your self. Click Here

The Straight Dope

NY Post

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Thursday, November 13, 2008

The DO still kill pirates!

Photo of the Somali pirates taken shortly before their surrender to Royal Navy Marines

Ah! Finally, some actual Royal-Navy-on-Pirate action! Some real Pirates of the Caribbean-type shit. In a welcome change from the recent "disinterested observer" approach to pirate fighting off Somalia, the Royal Navy frigate, HMS Cumberland, took more of a "pirate fighting" approach to pirate fighting.

Story and links after the break...

Early yesterday, a vessel had opened fire with assault rifles on a Danish-registered cargo ship, the MV Powerful. The offending vessel was later spotted and identified by the Cumberland, who dispatched two assault craft manned by squads of marines to

The Ministry of Defence said the Marines circled the pirates’ boat to try and persuade them to stop.

As they approached, however, several of the pirates, a mixed crew of Somalis and Yemenis, swung their assault rifles in their direction and opened fire. The MoD said the Royal Marines returned fire “in self defence”, and then boarded the dhow — a stolen Yemeni-registered fishing vessel.

The commandos found guns and other “paraphernalia” on board the dhow and a handful of terrified pirates.
Three pirates suffered fatal injuries. This water battle stands in stark contrast to the Royal Navy's last middle eastern encounter when similar assault craft were surrounded and captured by Iranian gunboats last March.

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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Super Obama World

Now that the drunken and murderous hangover that hung around (happily) for about 4 days for roughly 53% of the country and the hangover that will assumedly surround those that didn't get their way on election day, the sobriety of that vicious beast of a woman called Wall Street brings us all back to Earth. The market tanking last week only for a small rise on Friday's close was a wake up call for Obama's relentless supporters. Whatever it is that's gonna happen (change or same old shit), it isn't gonna happen overnight.

Skippomac was quick on the trigger today to show me Christopher Hitchen's, a Slate writer and Obama voter's article on his realization titled "Barack to Reality: Obama's victory didn't magically eliminate America's problems and enemies." Well worth reading after you waste about an hour on this site. Just saying...

In good old American fashion, (actually it was probably the Japanese), someone has taken the opportunity to create a wonderworld where everyone can live in suspended animation in a world of animation that is definitely not suspended. I introduce you to: Super Obama World. The video game places Obama in the role of our beloved Super Mario Bros. in the retro fashion of the original against their archnemesis, Sarah Palin! On her home turf! Yee-Gads!

Screenshots, with breakdown, link to work-time-waster of the week and the Mumbles exclusive "Obama World Avatar" after the jump.

Yes, you can see Russia from her house....

And beware of those nasty, deadly snow machines!

Obama must collect American flags instead of money, and avoid the treacherous pigs with lipstick (I'm serious) and jump over and around Mrs. Palin who is conveniently outfitted carrying a bag of money. The Japanese have way too much time on their hands...

Obama World Avatar

Super Obama World

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Monday, November 10, 2008

They used to kill pirates, didn't they?

The preferred form of execution for pirates these days is to pay 
them lots of money and hope they spend it on fatty foods.

I was sure that when the Russians showed up (see my earlier post), they were going to waste no time wasting some pirates. Well, the Russian missile frigate "Neustrashimy" (which apparently translates as "Fearless", which is understandable since apathy isn't scary) finally arrived off Somalia two weeks ago and done nothing but commenced "patrolling". Which is what every other western nation's ships have been doing since the tank ship was taken back when Sandler was funny. The Americans at least went so far as to communicate with the pirates to request and take pictures of the captive crew of the MV Faina. The owner of the ship is apparently in talks with the pirates to reach an acceptable ransom amount. Un. Fucking. Real. If these d-bags get paid, I am seriously putting together a crew and heading over there. Maybe scrape together a half-million and buy one of these decommissioned Soviet Cold War submarines for sale. Go James Bond villain on their asses.

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Sunday, November 9, 2008

Touch of Yellow

The Grateful Dead cover band must have really been good, because Jersey City councilman Steven Lipski didn't want to miss a minute of the concert. Rather than waste time running all the way to the can from his balcony and standing in that long line, he simply decided to whip it over the railing and let it fly. His urine, I mean. If that wasn't clear. He started pissing on the crowd. Being a New Jersey politician, I am sure he didn't think it was a big deal. When he does it back home, he just tells his constituents that it is raining and they are fine with it.

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Thursday, November 6, 2008

Advantages of a down economy: BizSpark

Fair warning: This fellow has far more
software development knowledge than I do.

One of the advantages of a down economy is that demand for certain things falls, and those who supply those things seek new ways to market their product. The startup industry has shrunk a little bit in the current economy and those that remain are tightening their belts amid the credit crunch. Microsoft, who has spent an great deal of time and energy in recent years attempting to expand down the market in enterprise solutions to service the smaller business, and has been attempting to claim territory in "software as service", the expected next phase of the software industry, has decided to offer a huge chunk of their software design and developer tool resources to startups at no charge. Gratis, save for a small, small fee on the back end and provided that they meet certain criteria.

Details after the break...

The service, called BizSpark (presumably along the same line as their previous, similar offering for students, DreamSpark), primarily offers major-league support through access to the Microsoft Developer's Network and the MSDN library and a whole suite of software tools including "all the software included in the Visual Studio Team System Team Suite" and eligibility for the brand spanking new Azure Services Platform. I have been reliably informed that this is good stuff by those who know about such things. If you are one of those kind of people, they have a list of the major features here.

I am involved in a internet start-up, myself (in a non-technical capacity) and although I expect that the tech offerings will save large amounts of expenses down the line, I signed my company up for the immediate business benefits. One of the criteria for qualification is that you are sponsored by one of Microsoft's "Network Partners", who can provide everything from industry contacts to funding to general mentoring. The list of BizSpark Network Partners includes a large number of venture companies, although I cannot personally vouch for their general caliber because I haven't closely reviewed the list.

If you are involved in any startup, this is definitely worth your time to look into. Companies are jumping at the opportunity; when I first looked at it this morning, the BizSpark Startup Directory had 12 companies listed. When I started writing this it had 27. Now it has 31. But that is the beauty of software as a product, no scarcity.

Check out this eWeek article for another, more in-depth, summary of BizSpark or check out their own FAQ.

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Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Natalie "Dogface" Dylan Gets Her (Elderly) Man

You remember the slutty virgin I told you about earlier who was selling her virginity to the highest bidder? Well she found a bidder of a cool $1 million dollars courtesy ot the loud mouthed windbag know as Tyra Skanks. Oh yeah, he's 59. Video after the jump.

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Sunday, November 2, 2008

Book of the Week: The Pets by Bragi Ólafsson

Serendipitously, Mumbles mentioned Björk in a post a couple days ago and I just finished reading a crazy, but great, book by her band mate, former Sugarcubes bassist Bragi Ólafsson. I picked it at random off the new-release shelf at the library, as is my wont, and tore through its brief 157 pages in a couple days. My random grabs usually result in disappointment, but I have stumbled across some gems. A history of failures also has lowered my expectations, so the book doesn't need to be spectacular. Kind of like stumbling across a great deli in Brooklyn Heights; it might not have been so great if it was in Hoboken, but in Brooklyn Heights: Ciao! Bella! Which is something Italian I have heard people say and I hope isn't wildly inappropriate in this context.

So The Pets revolves around two fellows, Emil and Havard. Emil has just returned to Iceland from a trip to London when he spots trouble coming to his door in the form of an old acquaintance, Havard. Havard is that guy everyone knows who glides through life in a drunken haze, somehow managing to be just barely productive enough to support a lifestyle of drinking and causing trouble. He was great fun for us when we knew him in our early 20s, but he now represents a serious threat to our current status quo. If this was a Hollywood movie, Havard would be played by Owen Wilson.

Continues after the break...

When Emil sees Havard outside, he reacts as many of us would like to do; he hides. As if it was an ID'd call from a creditor. Undaunted by the lack of response, Havard crawls in the kitchen window and Emil commits to the dodge by hiding under his bed. During a tour of the house, Havard answers the phone and, pretending to be Emil, begins inviting Emil's friends over that night for a big party. One of the two major plots is Emil trying to figure out a way to both get rid of Havard and not reveal that he has been hiding under the bed. The second plot is the backstory of Emil and Havard's relationship revealed through flashbacks to London and the tragic hilarity that ensued there.

Ólafsson writes in clean, direct prose, giving vivid and detailed descriptions of what is happening in every scene. His style paints an realistic picture of the surreal action. In this paragraph, Emil is peering out from under the bed as Havard is poking around the bedroom:
The air under the bed is terrible. When I bought the flat I got someone to sand the rough surface on the walls, and the resulting dust collected in the carpet, where I suspect most of it still is. It feels as if my head is getting stuffed full with dust, which isn’t exactly what I need in these circumstances.

By lifting the sheet slightly higher I see that Havard is still wearing his anorak. It seems to be torn above the lower righthand pocket, which might have happened when he climbed in through the kitchen window. When he pulls the anorak back— probably to prevent it from getting in the way of the stream of urine—I can see he is wearing a suit and a light grey shirt, which I must admit goes very well with the suit...
The straightforward style greatly appeals to me and Ólafsson takes what is essentially a sitcom plot and inserts enough character and darkness into it to really make for a very enjoyable ride. There are some authentically hilarious moments and very few points where I felt the urge to start skimming ahead. Recommended highly as a light, quick read or for a change of pace between denser books.

Check out this interview with Ólafsson , which gives you insight into the kind of mindset that writes this kind of book. Having read the book first, I think he is a person who takes writing far more seriously than he lets on in that interview. The book is clearly the product of a talented, disciplined writer with an offbeat sense of humor. I am glad he made the transition from music to literature and I hope to see more of Bragi Ólafsson's work translated into English.
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