Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Mr. T : Born Without A Library Voice

My social calendar was BOOKED this weekend. But the weather was horrible and I still don't have heat and it was raining, and you know, me being made of sugar, I stayed home. So what did I do instead? Watched Rocky I-V. Again. For like the 30th time.

I came to the realization that Rocky I and II is the most epic romantic melodrama of all time. I cried. Only after I realized I was out of vodka, but the tears were real, nonetheless. I have never seen a love as paramount to that of me and my Old Lady as that of Rocky and Adrian. "Old Lady", that's a shout out to you, thank me later...

But more importantly, I also realized that Mr. T is the most amazing actor in the whole series of Rocky movies. Mickey is awesome, but that's just Mickey being Mickey. Paulie's great too, but his best line is in Rocky 4 when they arrive at their housing quarters in the rural, snow covered Soviet Union. The Russian says, "Like you requested" (in reference to the shack in the middle of nowhere) and Paulie says, "You requested this dump? Whadda you plan on doing here? Growing reindeer or something?"

Execution = perfect.

But nothing made me fear the consequences of boxing like the fear I felt from Mr. T aka James "Clubber" Lang. So mysterious and scary! Mr. T fascinated me so I decided to do some research into the man the myth and the legend, this what I found. Oh yeah, and links to superfast streaming Rocky I - III in their entirety after the jump.

Laurence Tureaud (Mr. T) was born May 21, 1952 in the projects of Chicago where he also grew up. Being a decent football player, he was the recipient of a scholarship to Prairie View A & M (all black sister school of Texas A & M) and was quickly thrown out after a years time. Mr. decided to try his hand at the military for a stint and returned unharmed (he was military police, he loved positions of authority and power, obviously).

He easily received work as a bouncer upon coming home. This is where he came up with the idea of all the gold chains. As these were often "left" in the bar by drunk patrons or those who lost them in the ensuing melee during a Mr. T escort to the parking lot, he kept them around his neck "for safekeeping." If they wanted them back, all they had to do was ask. No one ever did. I mean, what kind of bar has patrons who enter wearing gold chains an inch think, drunkenly lose them and never return to say,

Patron: "Hey, anybody seen a $10,000 gold chain lying around?"

Btender: "I don't know, go check lost and found."

Patron: "Where's lost and found?"

Btender: "You see that big guy wearing all the gold chains that looks like he eats badasses for lunch? It's right there. Oh yeah, and don't come in the bar anymore, or he'll soon be wearing a gold teeth necklace that looks reminiscient of your smile."

That's a badass. He got the idea for the mohawk from watching a documentary on the African Mandinka Warriors. (they had mohawks too)

He parlayed this menacing persona into a bodyguarding business that netted him $3,000 a day and quickly built up his gold chain collection to the level where it would take him an hour just to put them all on. He cleaned them ultrasonically every night which must've taken forever. Sometimes he would sleep in the heavy, shiny stuff that was valued at about $300,000 so that he could "see how my ancestors, who were slaves, felt." Ok, Mr. T, you work out the irony in that. Oh yeah, he did this while sleeping on a cloud of titties. Juuuuust like Africa!

After Rocky, he was given many awesome roles in shows such as: Silver Spoons (played Ricky Stratton's bodyguard, his agent thought it would give him acting cred), lost out on a role in Beastmaster, had a spot in Penitentiary 2 (cause 1 was suuuch a success),
his biggest role as Sergeant Bosco B.A. Baracus (one of my favorite shows growing up), a Mister T animated series, and a motivational video called, "Be Somebody...or Be Sombody's Fool!" (yes the exclamation mark is part of the official title and features everyones favorite meth slut gone mainstream, Fergie as a nubile young meth slut) This video offered up many pieces of advice to youngster's in dealing with the problems of the everyday world, such as, dressing fashionably ("Everbody's gotta wear clothes, If you dont, you'll get arrested." Thanks T.), drugs and peer pressure (a kid finds a beer and some cigarettes in a trash can and convinces everyone else to partake, a Mexican Fred Savage says no) and how to pass off what most would consider tripping while casually walking through the projects...as breakdancing. (starts at 3:03)

He thought of everything. Next Mother's Day. Don't buy your moms a gift, just perform this rap entitled "Treat Your Mother Right (Treat Her Right)":

Whole motivational video is here in 6 parts, well worth watching.

Mr. T then went on to star in a number of commercials where his career basically tanked.

Oh yeah, how could I forget...he was also a pro-wrestler and Hulk Hogan's tag team partner in the first fuckin' Wrestle Mania! Some journalist I am! That's pretty awesome, though.

For the ladies out there, Mr. T is single and lives on a 20 acre ranch in sunny California. Be warned though, he is uber-christian. He said after Hurricane Katrina, God came to him and said he could never wear the gold chains again. Which he dutifully obeys, unless its for a Snicker's commercial with the catchy slogan of "Get Some Nuts!" (there's that exclamation mark again) or a World of Warcraft commercial with the catchphrase "I'm Mr. T and I'm a Night Elf Mohawk!" (punctuation added for effect)

So I suggest polishing off that dusty box of condoms you were saving for when you moved out of your mother's house, call up the girl that touched you on the arm in the fifth grade and settle down for a romantic lovefest of sweaty men beating the shit out of each other with Rocky I - III. She'll cry, probably from having to spend 6 hours with you, but I guarantee you you will get some action, from the TV screen, anyways.

Rocky I

Rocky II

Rocky III

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

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