Thursday, February 26, 2009

Chris Cornell Has Gone R & B; Pole Smokers Look Out

Chris Cornell is a complete idiot. Don't get me wrong, I'm not just learning that, I lost all respect for him when he started Audioslave. Joining the rejects from Rage Against The Machine? (RAT Machine! HAHAHA!) Give me a break. But he just went and did the nasty. He's now singing baby-girl-let's-get-sexy-and-let-me-eat-chocolate-off-your-ass R & B music. Yes, he's trying to be R. Kelly. The world is only big enough for one fool as big as R Kelly. The guy used to be the eponymous front man of Soundgarden! Come on!

C-Dawg, you need to go away. Video and horrible lyrics after the jump!

So the premise of this song is the C-Dawg apologizing to his current girl by calling some skank he did the cha-cha "a bitch" and saying that "she ain't a part of me." Well, you get points for originality. This is the only song in the world about getting caught screwing some hoodrich bitch.

Chris is now basking in his success of finally making it to the top 32 on the Bulgarian Singles Charts. (I'm not kidding)

Some advice on what they should do to promote your new album.

Shoot you.

Afterwards, they should grind up your freshly shot corpse, roll the meat into balls, fry them and then feed your disgusting ass to a mangy three-legged dog. That's what I would do at least. You're Done. NEXT!

And of course, like a complete asshole, you can't embed the video on YOUR page you can only watch it on THEIR page. Watch this bitch sing about some bitch on youtube HERE. Oh know, all my advertisers are gonna leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All other Music related posts are HERE.

Part Of Me Lyrics

Little girl, I love when she talks to me
Got to smile, when she walks that walk with me
I want the girl, but I want a lot
Might cross my mind, but that's where it stops

That bitch ain't a part of me
No, that bitch ain't a part of me
I said no, that bitch ain't a part of me
No, that bitch ain't a part of me
I said no, that bitch ain't a part of me
No, that bitch ain't a part of me
I said no, that bitch ain't a part of me
No, that bitch ain't a part of-part of-part of me

I love the girl, I'm lovin' the dress she wears
She's got a hold, got a hold of me neck, oh yeah
I wanna cry, the way that she moves
I want the girl, but not what she's going through

That bitch ain't a part of me
No, that bitch ain't a part of me
I said no, that bitch ain't a part of me
No, that bitch ain't a part of me
I said no, that bitch ain't a part of me
No, that bitch ain't a part of me
I said no, that bitch ain't a part of me
No, that bitch ain't a part of-part of-part of me

She was so friendly, I had one too many
But now that they tell she was rubbing up against me
But I swear, never meant a thing, she was just a fling
There's no other woman who does it like you

That bitch ain't a part of me
No, that bitch ain't a part of me
I said no, that bitch ain't a part of me
No, that bitch ain't a part of me
I said no, that bitch ain't a part of me
No, that bitch ain't a part of-part of-part of me
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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Movie Night : The Corndog Man

Oh my, I'm really loving this Netflix. I know, I know, shit is old, but I don't even have a bank account, so give me a break. Last night I discovered this gem of a movie, The Corndog Man. Relax, relax! No need in you getting so excited that you gotta change your pants! THIS IS NOT A MOVIE ABOUT CORNDOGS! I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A MOVIE ABOUT CORNDOGS!

Although, that's what immediately made me watch it. Sometimes I start jonesing for foods from my child hood or something I used to eat years ago. So I'll start looking around my hood to find it and realize something strange. Mexicans don't eat Cheese Whiz? Blacks don't eat beef jerky?

So then I'll have to make the pain in the ass trip, (like 3 trains), to the mecca that is Pathmark (also my former employer, loooong story). It is a huge building on Atlantic Avenue that has just about everything. So of course, they had corndogs. In boxes of 14 or some other weird number. The first night after the purchase I ate 7 of them over the course of the evening. Yeah, I really love me some corndogs.

I also love movies. Alot. That's pretty much all I do seeing as I have no friends and have no problem talking/arguing to myself for hours. So you see the reason for the excitement from the movie title, Corndog Man. The only thing better, I think, would have been The Corndog Whiskey Man. But then I probably would have had a heart attack. Click through for an awesome clip from the movie regarding guinea pigs and review. Also, the link to watch it streaming online. DVD quality, of course. No Netflix needed.

The film features Noble Willingham, a name you may not recognize, but may know his face. He was in Paper Moon and The Last Picture Show as well as appearances on Quantum Leap and a ton of other TV shows. He also ran for congress in Texas, but lost. So, in short, he wasn't much of a success in acting or politics, but he knocks it out of the park in this one. I feel the character wasn't that far from himself in real life. Think Mickey Rourke and the Wrestler.

The film follows the now deceased Ace Barker (Willingham) as a boat salesman for Triple K (KKK?) Marine in South Carolina. He's obviously a top notch salesman, that is until he begins to receive non stop phone calls from a man who doesn't make clear his purpose until the latter half of the movie. The phone calls are so incessant they ruin his life. Coworkers just sit round and watch and tally their sales gained versus his lost, with smiles on their faces while watching some fat office girl piss in the bathroom. (Dont ask, the movie is pretty weird) Why Ace doesn't make a greater effort to stop them by involving authorities, I don't know. Hey, it's a movie with the word corndog in the title so forgive and move on.

The caller claims to be his son. He also has the greatest voice and accent I've heard in awhile. According to an Imdb reviewer:

Corndog Man is loosely based on two series of prank phone calls. The classic Red and the Tube Bar calls from the 1970s and a less well-known series of calls to Allied Motors made (I believe) in the late 80s. Comments about blue britches and snappy dressing are right out of the Allied Motors tapes as is Ace Barker's phone answering technique. Many stories circulated about the ultimate fate of Red from the Tube Bar in Jersey City, this film is a witty southern version of one of those tales. Source

The southern dialect themed one liners are awesome. The plot is there as is the mystery and it's funny as hell at times. Watching Ace turn into a shell of a man is both satisfying and heart wrenching. So call up your girlfriend and tell her to bring her two kids over from a previous marriage. Stock up on corndogs and whiskey and make it a family movie night!

Rating: The Corndog Man


To watch the clip From The Corndog Man: "Where's My Guinea Pig?"
Click HERE. (Slow to load, but it works, also need Flash)

Watch it streaming at the link that follows from Lycos. They have an interesting feature that allows you to watch it with others online. I propose the drinking game of taking a shot every time he says "daddy." Enjoy. Watch The Corndog Man online. It's also instantly playable on Netflix if you're rich.

All other MOVIE reviews are HERE.
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Tuesday, February 24, 2009


My friend told me he was trying to quit smoking the other day by using the patch. Here in America we go to all different lengths to stop this nasty and expensive habit. In my neighbor hood they started substituting a green aromatic tobacco in their cigars instead of the commercially packaged kind. It's healthier, they say!

Hell, even in the new Stimulus Bill $75 million is earmarked for smoking cessation programs. Russia, of course, handles it a different way. Vladimir Putin, the man who fights bears, has his own instructional judo dvd (where he beats up a 12 year old) and has been known to partake in lovemaking sessions that have lasted more than 36 hours, is no stranger to extremes. Click through for his solution to assist in stopping smoking, as well as photographic proof.

Well one way to stop smoking is too make it a gamble to even buy cigarettes. Would you think twice on purchasing a pack of smokes if 1 out of every 10 packs exploded upon opening? 1 out of every million cigarettes manufactured were laced with cyanide? I would.

Russia and Putin don't go this far, but in a country where the average monthly salary and is going through economic times even much worse than ours, every ruble counts! So instead of the methods above, some packs of cigarettes are filled with...fillers. Fake cigarettes. No tobacco at all, just a filter wrapped in paper. So deal with that you poors! Gamble with your bread money on your vices! Be warned, we may steal it from you! "Smoking is the enemy to Judo!"

Or maybe this is some scam from the Russian mob and I'm making it all up. Who cares. Photos below.

Photos courtesy of EnglishRussia

If you like reading things about Russia, you might want to check out another MTMN post because it has the word Russia in it once and the words Soviet Union in it once but is really about Mr. T. Just click here.
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Monday, February 23, 2009

Obama Icon Maker: "Yes I Con"

You have all seen the classic and now much ballyhooed Shepard Fairey screen printed poster of the Associated Press image bearing the one word, "HOPE."

Well now you can rip it off at ease with a few clicks of your mouse! With any photo thanks to Obamiconme!

Yes, it's that easy. Upload a photo and bam, it's done. The fact that this program was written doesn't do much for the AP case against Fairey.

Try it out here. Obamiconme
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Friday, February 20, 2009

Craigslist Casual Encounters Escapade

Jennifer Orka, 21 of Denton and a fellow Texan, obviously does not understand the point of Valentines Day...Gettiiiiiin Laid!

Some guy in a display of altruism did her the favor of posting an ad on Craigslist in the casual encounters section of the site.This is where horndogs go to find someone whorish enough to get jizzed on and then told to get lost cause they're mother or spouse is going to be returning home soon. (should you want an idea of how the ads read, click here)

As you can imagine, there are many more men looking for women (m4w) than women looking for men (w4m) When I say alot, I mean like 10 to 1 ratio. And the one woman usually turns out to be a man. Or that one time a tranny. Don't ask me how I know, just take my word for it.

So you can imagine the enormous response Jennifer received with her telephone number was posted and the voicemail message attached did not sound like a 400 pound black guy telling you he was open to being "a top or a bottom" and well, feminine. Rang off the hook.

More details with photos and videos after the jump.

As you can see the only way this whore could get got would be to give it away. In the photo below she is gettin' all high and mighty, puttin' on reading glasses and shit!

Unfortunately the dude got caught. Somehow she tricked his dumbass into admittance AND apologizing. Note to internet stalkers: Don't admit stalking and apologizing, cause apparently, you could go to jail.

This reminds me of something I always wanted to do that would be pretty funny. But first I need:
1. A friend
2. Who has a house
3. With a garage
4. That has a bunch of stuff in it

Then when my friend goes out of town, he'd naturally invite me over to house sit, feed his badass dog (cause he knows I'm like the dog master, trust me, I'm REALLY good with dogs...) and drink all his beers in the fridge before he gets back so though don't spoil. Here's where the funny part comes, after getting settled in and getting a good buzz on, sit down at his computer and post a garage sale notice on Craigslist for tomorrow at about noon! Then sell all the shit in the garage! Real cheap! And when he gets home and asks where his john boat and four wheeler are, you can yell out, "April Fools!" (regardless of what month it is...) Then say, "Don't worry buddy, I was gonna split the money with you!"

Oh wait, I didn't think of that.

Stephanie McDowell did with her mastermind boyfriend Sean Hannon. They even got a permit.
News story with video, here.

Orka news story with video here.

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Monday, February 16, 2009

Valentines Day Sucks: Steven Seagal is a World Class Douchebag


Seeing as my old lady doesn't live in the same country as me and my plans for the evening of murdering a lobster was blown off by a (dude) who had to put (cinderblocks) under his bed, I decided to get my haircut by a gay man at a black beauty salon, go take shot with a prostitute in an empty bar and come home and watch Steven Seagal in Hard to Kill. And therefore do nothing for Valentines Day.

Confusing? Yes. Imagine my feelings when I see the shrine to Debbie Gibson everyday surrounded by a pile of broken Transformers in my closet as i get dressed for work on a daily basis. That also serves as my tie rack. Anyways.

Steven Seagal is the most bullshit action hero ever. If you made that mutha run an obstacle course he would be out in the pie in the face round. If the sounds that resonated from my walls were not Al Green "Let's get it on" and the mastication of macaroni and cheese coming in full karaoke mode from all sides, I probably would not have been forced to put the headphones on to watch it in the first place. (Didn't hurt he was banging the chick from Weird Science) Unfortunately, every time I took them off to run to the bathroom to piss, I was forced to take turns urinating with vomiting from the carnal sounds of the animals mating from all sides. The sounds, agggh, the sounds...

After about nine whiskeys, the pain of Seagal and the noise was over. I removed the headphones and was greeted with screaming, yelling and police sirens. The soundtrack for a much more appreciated Valentines Day in Bed Stuy Brooklyn.

Happy Valentines Day Baby. A love letter from me to you.

A video sent in from From Under The Boardwalk proves my point. It's entitled, "Steven Seagal Runs Like A Girl"

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

BadAssvertising : Budweiser Secret Super Bowl Commercial


I'm not a big fan of the Budweiser ads, lil' too low brow for my Ivy League education. Just kidding, we were too poor and I was too stupid to go to an Ivy league school! (But hey! At least my old alma mater, the San Antonio Padre de Jesus School for Blind and Deaf Mexicans was private! And I got a scholarship! Goooooooo affirmative action!!) I digress, however, this commercial made me laugh a few times. A rarity in my sad, sad life.

This is NSFW if you are the last jackass in America that doesn't have headphones. It should offend many stereotypes. And to all the pervs out there, just cause the word porn is mentioned about 50 times, there is NO nudity. Click through for the third installment of BadAssvertising.

A big shout out to my buddy who finally got off his ass and started polluting the internet under the title From Under The Boardwalk. Check him out as he turned me on to this commercial and I stole it. He has similar content but is concerned with things like grammar, spelling and fact checking.

From Under The Boardwalk

If you liked this, you can check out the others at Advertising...
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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Best Desktop Wallpaper

This guy is hilariously creepy. Bet you never thought that you would see those two words together. They've done some research on this artist whose screen name is Reredrum Ladicimoh (homicidal murderer backwards). All his posts start out with this:

I am 54yrs old, never married, rent a small room and nothing brings me joy expect my art. my best is far from good, since I have no one to share it with, let me share it with you #21

And then he gives you the most sad, but detailed MS Paint picture you ever seen. Until he posts again. They say he's really a college student, but who knows. Who cares! I'm sure if you did put this as your wallpaper, your boss might ask you if you needed "some time away." Paid Vacation! More of his artwork after the jump.

I later found out there is an entire website devoted to MS Paint as a medium. That and be a loser. With forum titles such as "Bell Biv DeScussion" can you believe that it would attract such types?

Homicidal Murderer
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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Buttery Ass Mondays : Crackhead Awareness Week

Yeah, you don't wanna see whats under that red circle, but you do want to see what's in the video. Website is primarily a skateboard website but has a weekly video series that focuses on the things of the street. How to run away from cops, where to hide your stash on the street to keep it from getting jacked and this week, Crackhead Awareness Week. My man who narrates the video gives a handy guide to the crackhead that is really well done. Click through for the video and rundown.

The narrarator always gives an interesting insight overlooked by me. For example, crackheads are like bears. Also, that many of us place ourselves in danger by not knowing the difference between a crackhead and a hobo. He describes it like so:

A picture of a Hobo.

See, His teeth are janky.

What does janky mean exactly? From urban dictionary:
adjective used to describe a person, place or thing which is questionable, fucked up, wrong, strange, broken down, undesireable, and/or something you just can't think of another word for.

A crackhead looks similar to a hobo until...

You see that 4 dollar smile.

So all you crackerass whiteboyz needs to watch the video and visit the Berrics site once a week for the new shit. Enjoy.

Buttery Ass Mondays
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