Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Polish vs. American Movie Posters, A Pop Quiz

Polish movie poster for Back to The Future III : Sex with Michael J Fox is on Fire

I know I pretty much stole this idea from Cracked.com but this Polish guy works with me and I wanted to send around a link that had a bunch of retarded Polish movie posters of Hollywood blockbusters. Like the joke goes,

"How many polish guys does it take to draw a movie poster for a Hollywood blockbuster?"

"One. And 2 hits of acid."

When I started looking around I noticed that there were a bunch of posters out there that kicked their American counterparts asses. So that gave me the edge I needed. I could write a post and make fun of Poland but redeem it in the end. Thereby making SAWWAP or Safe At Work With A Pole.

I took the liberty of making a little visual pop quiz. It's harder than it sounds. I got 4 out of 8. See if you can beat me. Quiz and more after the jump.

Ok. Let's start out with an 80's classic. Remember, the movie poster is there to persuade you to come to the movie. So many times, the marketing dept knows they have a real stinker on their hands so they make something very minor appear to be something very major in the poster. This usually works on me when they try and make me think I will see Angelina Jolies breasts. A Mighty Heart? Love usually equals sex in my book and sex equals seeing her breasts. Just so you know, ain't happening. Floozy just cries the whole damn movie.

Anyway, I digress. Poland obviously did not see the comedic genius in two guys carrying around a dead dude at a beach resort. I guess it was too close to home for the all the Polish pollution leaving rotting seagull corpses on their beaches.

That and the fact that the Polish REALLY love Hamburger Helper. One problem. HAMBURGER HELPER IS NOT IN THE MOVIE!!!

This folks, is called the bait and switch. And I don't care which language you do it in, it's WRONG! All those poor Poles! Obviously the studio, in an attempt to capitalize on the anomalistic success of this movie in Poland:

They made it appear as if the star of HH: The Movie was the main character in Weekend At Bernie's. Dirty, dirty advertising. I would've asked for a refund. Oops. I guess I gave the answer to the first question away. Moving right along...

Now I've thought Matthew Broderick was an undercover homo for a while now. He'd have to be to hang around that horse face wife of his and her cackling crew of hags. But man, the designer of one of these posters called that mutha out in 1983! Talk about SUPER DUPER GAYDAR. Is that something all Poles have? Just saying...

This is one of those acid ones I was talking about. I mean this movie makes you wanna take your kids to see it? Makes me wanna GIVE my kids acid and go see it with them.

I'm pretty sure they didn't have Photoshop back when this movie came out, but I don't think that's any excuse for the studio exec outsourcing the creation of this poster to a 10 year old who had a gay dad and a beastly ugly mother and ask him this question:

"Please draw a picture of your father immediately after he finishes boning your moms."

I don't really remember this movie but I'm pretty sure it wasn't about favorite sexual positions of monkeys. Seeing as I don't remember seeing the movie, I'm sure the American poster didn't do it's job. However the Mad Magazine style poster would probably get me to get it off Netflix, cause you know, I'm a big fan doin' it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

I don't know how many of you saw the critically acclaimed Chinatown, but it involves a private eye whose working a boring adultery case and stumbles upon a huge city wide plot of corruption surrounding water rights. This is what happens when you get someone to design a poster who has never seen a movie. The poster on the right convinces me that this movie is about a guy that learns the lessons of picking your nose with a knife, the hard way. But I already learned this lesson. In the tenth grade. No mystery here. Wouldn't see it.

This one I don't understand. It's just confusing to me. Confusing like the time in the third grade, after just moving to yet another new school. The teacher made me stand up in front of everyone to tell a little about myself. And to the question of "What is your favorite sport?" I answered, being from Texas, "Monster Trucking." A loud roar erupted from the back of a class and an extremely excited fat, dirty, kid that I later found out was nicknamed Dirty Ricky yelled, "ME TOO! ME TOO! I LOVE MONSTER TRUCKING TOO!"

Being short on friends and bored, I had my father schedule a play date with him via his mother. Upon arriving, me, excited with the opportunities of friendship that lied ahead, ran into Ricky's room with gusto, my two best and baddest monster trucks, one in each hand, arms overhead to find...

Dirty Ricky, pants down, on top and actively fornicating a life size gorrilla I later realized to be King Kong while quite vigorously licking the taint of what appeared to be a very deformed Godzilla.

Not knowing what to do but knowing I didn't want to be friends with Dirty Ricky, I placed my Jeep monster truck on the floor, placed my foot between the two bucket seats and used it like a skate to roll down his dirty hallway. Why? I don't know. I was confused. As confused as that Polish poster makes me of Alien.

"What's the movie about?"

"I don't know."

(skates away on a monster truck....)

It took me years before I realized that Dirt Ricky loved "Monster F*cking" and not "Monster Trucking."

This one is obviously a continuation of the first Airplane poster theme. The airplane was flying through the air, tied in a not attempting to convey, "This film is so zany it will leave you tied in knots from laughter." However, what it says to me is this movie is about licking ass on a plane. Which may be better or worse, depending on what your favorite pasttimes are . If Dirty Ricky was more into airplanes and less into monsters, he for example, would love this movie.


So now, I'm gonna do that part where I redeem Polish artists. Cause like I said, i had to really look for the goofy Polish designs. most of them kicked ass. I mean Airplane 2 was stupid but it served as the inspirational precursor to this artist stunning depiction of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. I think he's comparing her to Eve of Adam & Eve.The root of all evil. She screwed it up for everyone. He sounds like he's got some mommy issues.

I think the concept is great in this one. I mean, he was probably all,

"I want all the illiterates out there to be able to look at my poster and still be able to 'read' it. Ya know?"

But he said it in Polish and was smoking a joint.
This is one of those posters you get, AFTER, you see the movie.

This one just scares the shit out of me.


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Monday, January 26, 2009

Bitch Marries Dog

A nine year old Indian girl was married off to a stray dog in South India. Good grief. I can understand there are going to be some differences between Eastern and Western cultures but being forced to marry a dog because for a toothache (read, "evil spirits" to Indian people), Come On! What about consummating the transaction? Hell yeah! Dog's name is Bacchan! If that means the dog was named after Bacchus then you can bet dogs to donuts he's getting him a piece. (Bacchus was Dionysus to the Greeks, or the God of Getting Drunk and Having Orgies)

The wedding was a small quiet gathering. Not! Goes to show you that no matter how poor you are (these people are really poor) you never lose your sense of humor! I mean come on, it's not every day you get to watch a kid marry a dog! That's hilarious. The whole village turned up to witness. They then got shit house drunk on home made liquor and danced the night away. Click through for more photos of the attendees....

(EDITORS NOTE: Oh wait...that story was from 2003. After closer inspection I see that Indians make young girls marry dogs all the time! There's a different date for every entry! This is not news and therefore irrelevant. )

Here are the photos anyway...

Best Man


Drunken Reveler


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Friday, January 23, 2009

Retards Can't Jump

Pictured: Leslie Leo, NOT on Dallas Academy's losing basketball team.

As you may or may not know, I'm from Texas and it's moments like this when I can actually be proud. I mean, come on, tell me another state in the union where if a basketball team full of female retards showed up on your schedule your coach would formulate and successfully execute his plan of "showing no mercy and beating these retards 100 - 0."

That's what I thought, only in Texas, where they take their high school sports AND their retards, very seriously.

Leslie's bio after the jump.

Leslie Leo's Bio:

SPORTS PLAYED: Track & Field, Soccer, Softball, Rhythmic Gymnastics, 5-pin Bowling and Swimming

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT PLAYING SPORTS: I like making friends, being part of a team, going to championships and being a champion!

FAVOURITE COLOR(S): Rainbows (editors note: rainbows is not a color)



FAVOURITE FOOD(S): Veggie Plates

FAVOURITE SONG: Don't be stupid by Shania Twain

BIGGEST FANS OR SUPPORTERS: My doctor, Doctor Village (editors note: wtf is this?

Leo, Leslie.

Retards get their asses whooped.

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Virginia Tech, Another Murderous Blow to Public Relations

Holy shit. Decapitations creep me out. As a matter of fact, so do chinese holy shit decapitators decapitating on virginia soil, my birthplace of which i know little about apart from i prefer non-menthol to menthol?

I know they got some nutjobs going to school there. There was a nother guy of asian descent that murdered abunch of people at school down there. Or was it kentucky? I'm too drunk to look it up. Wait, no, here's a link. No, that was something else. there.

yeah, i was right, i knew it. suckaaaaaas!

but anyway, there was this chinese guy who went to virginia tech and murdered some girl that just started there, also from china who listed him as an emergency contact 2 weeks after arriving. Oh, i said murdered. I meant


But the worst part is this. The guy in charge of the case is "Chief Wendell Flinchum."

What is this? the f'in simpsons?

So V(irginia) T(ech) I and VT II =

Asia = 33
American College Football teams = 0

Globe and Mail

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Wednesday, January 14, 2009


A Jan. 7 Page One article incorrectly described current and former intelligence officials as believing that the CIA suffers from incompetent leadership and low morale. The sentence should have said that the officials expressed resentment about such suggestions.

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Monday, January 12, 2009

Couple Wed In Taco Bell, Guests Splurge on 99 Cent Menu

Normal, Illinois just keeps getting weirder. Last week we told you about Robert Sylvester, the American badass who got into a shoot'em up with cops after a high speed chase revolving around the robbery of check cashing joint in Normal, Il. (My daddy always told me to beware of those with a last name that is a first name...)

Well yesterday two weirdos who bonded over their love of fast food after connecting through an internet dating site said their vows in their local Taco Bell. I say that Paul brooks found himself a keeper when he wed Caragh Brooks, not to mention shes got a nice rack, she is also practical. The wedding only cost two hundred bucks! Free hot sauce! You can tell these two are cost conscious. Caragh saidd she limited her searches on the dating site to only men who shared her last name because she didn't want to have to "go through the trouble of buying new checks and all that other bullshit." Good score Paul!

NY Post

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Friday, January 9, 2009

Bananas and Firecrackers

My grandmother was fascinated with the limitless boundaries of the internet. I remember when she used to always say things like:

Grandma: Boy, I'm hungry. I want some Chinese food. Can you find us some Chinese food on that internet thingy of yours?

Mumbles: Yes, Grandma.

Grandma: Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!

Mumbles: You can't be a monkeys uncle, grandma.

Grandma: Can you find a video of two girls shitting in a cup on that internet?

Mumbles: Grandma! Of course you can!

Grandma: How about a video of a man with helmet strapped full of bananas with firecrackers in them where he blows them up one at a time?

Mumbles: Grandma! Don't be silly, of course you can't!

Until now. William Lamson is an artist in Brooklyn and does some pretty weird but sometimes cool stuff. A couple of his videos after the jump.

Here is the promised banana video. It's pretty boring after about 1 minute. The next one is more interesting.

This video is titled "Emerge." See if you can figure it out. Skippomac had a pretty good guess and I'm gonna have too go with him cause he likes reading history. And history is really boring so he's gotta be smart cause he sure as hell ain't no fun or much to look at neither!

I'll have him put his guess in the comments so you retards get a chance to speculate first.

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Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Robert Sylvester: American Badass

Could whoop your ass.

Who is this badass? This badass is my grandfather. No, I wish. This badass is Robert Sylvester. This was taken during a seemingly anonymous trip to the grocery store. Or the OTB. Yeah. No, Mr. Sylvester had the fool proof plan of robbing a currency exchange, but when police became wise to him, he got in a badass high speed chase. When it was clear there was no way out, he stopped and came running, jumping, with guns a blazin' like a true badass should. I think I have used the word badass enough times for the day. Ok, one more. More badass pictures after the jump.

Contemplating the cancellation of 80's wonder, The Love Boat.

Getting angry over the cancellation of The Love Boat.
Hurrying to take a wizz...

Looking both ways before crossing the street.
At this point, officially becoming the "wind beneath my wings."

Officially getting his ass handed to him.

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Friday, January 2, 2009

Stop sending me the Kathy Griffin clip

Griffin puts ass in our face. People applaud.

I love hating people. It is arguably my number one leisure activity. I spend a great deal of time happily maintaining a long and detailed list of people I hate; sortable by degree of hatred, category of cause and last name.

Kathy Griffin has a spot on that list. Not a prominent spot; she sits a few pages deep, ranking somewhere above Ed Begley, Jr. and below anyone associated with "The Hills". As with most famous people I hate, it isn't the person I hate so much as their supporters/fans. Although the person usually helps. My feelings are complicated in Griffin's case because lots of people hate her and I hate those people too. Though not as much. This usually pushes me towards apathy in her case, but she occasionally raises her harpy head enough to draw my attention and maintain a spot on the list. Getting an Emmy, for example.

More immediately irritating, however, was the news that she was going to host the CNN New Year's Eve show. This small annoyance was then followed by her doing something on said show which has resulted in my inbox being filled with "Holy Shit!", "Check this out!", etc emails by her fans and haters alike. This incident epitomizes everything I hate about the woman. First, it is manufactured sensationalism. Griffin has admitted, in a moment of shocking lucidity, that she needs to generate controversy to keep her celebrity status. Second, it reveals her total lack of talent. The comment she made is more tired and well-used than John Daly's liver. Third, her uninformed fans cite it as evidence of the talent she doesn't have.

For those who haven't heard it, been emailed or seen it via the featured link on Drudge, she yelled "Shut up! I don't come to your job and knock the dick out of your mouth!" to someone yelling something offscreen at her. Hilarious. Or it was back in 1987 when I first heard Robin Harris (of "Bebe's Kids" fame) use it. I looked for a clip of Harris, who was a master of heckler assault, using the line but couldn't find it (some other Harris videos here). Even more, there is a guide to handling hecklers last updated in 1994 that references the line.

Which leads into my hatred for her ignorant, idiot fans. Jesus Christ. From the Post article:

"Priceless! I love it! That is why I am a huge fan of yours! Haha!" one poster said.

Another indicated that her husband is "already tired" of her repeating the vulgar remark.

"The comment you made to the heckler last night was awesome," another friend said. "I wish we could have seen Anderson Cooper's reaction! Hope you didn't get in trouble from CNN!"
Are you fucking kidding me? To summarize the flow of my rage; my third point is aggravated by my second point which is multiplied exponentially by the first point because it is succeeding so wonderfully for her. Fucking Kathy Griffin.
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