Friday, August 29, 2008

Sarah Palin and Laura Roslin

So the Tina Fey comparison is easy, and we can expect to see lots made of that. But check out the uncanny similarities between the new presumptive Republican VP nominee and the current President of the remains of the Twelve Colonies (currently represented by a ragtag fleet fleeing cylon tyranny):

Left: Palin in a rare "hair-down" shot

Below: Roslin in a common "pensive" shot

I don't actually care much for the Roslin's policies (and, perhaps a little shamefully, I am fairly well-versed in the Roslin administrations activities). Palin has her beat in at least two departments; the first being that she is not a character on a science fiction television show and the second being that Palin is smoking hot, even not taking into account her age.

A gratuitous shot of her legs follows the jump as well as a couple other Battlestar Galactica/Campaign '08 comparisons.

The shots of Palin pre-Tina Fey look are actually hard to find, as are ones of her in her youth. I think this is evidence of her obscurity up to now, not evidence of a scrubbing of the internet, if that is even possible. If it is, I am sure the Hiltons would have figured out how to do it long ago. Here was a good shot of her legs, which are remarkable, all things considered and older ladies isn't even my thing. I will have to check with my buddy Scott, because older ladies are definitely his thing (Hello, you cougar-hunting bastard!):

The troubled Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) is inappropriately cast most closely as Adama in that shot.

And now to the real-life casting of BSG in Campaign '08. I will try and get more but how about we start off with a perfect one: John McCain.

John McCain is easy, he shares a lot of traits, physical and personality, with the curmudgeonly Colonel Tigh. So easy, in fact that the comparison was made very convincingly at Literal Barrage way back in January:

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Time To Leave New Orleans

Not that anyone is turning to this site for their weather-related emergency advice, but if you are a resident of New Orleans, you need to pack up your shit and head north or east. Right now. Why you are there to begin with is a question for another day. From weather wiz Dr. Jeff Masters:
Conventional pre-Katrina wisdom suggested that the city needed 72 hours to evacuate. With the population about half of the pre-Katrina population, that lead time is about 60 hours. With Gustav likely to bring tropical storm force winds to the city by Monday afternoon, that means that tonight is a good time to start evacuating.
Computer models indicate the storm only has about a 10% chance of hitting New Orleans, but if there was a 10% chance my car was going to explode, I would probably be walking to work. Alternatively, you could grab your kite-surfing equipment and head down to the beach. Bring a helmet.

Actually described by some as a "Freak Accident". A kite hauling a kite surfer through the air by the force of wind isn't a "freak accident", it is "conforming to design specifications". More »

Tax Cut Through the Shit

So, lots of rhetoric is and will be thrown around to characterize the tax plans of both candidates, but a fundamental analysis reveals a fairly clear distinction between them which coincide largely with the traditional positions of their respective parties. McCain subscribes to the "trickle down" tax cuts to some degree for everyone, but particularly for the wealthy; while Obama would like to increase taxes on the rich and reduce them for the lower end of the spectrum (I don't know if that has a label, "Robin Hood" economics, perhaps?). Whichever economic policy you subscribe to, you are presented with a clear choice in this election, so if this is your most important issue, look no further than this chart from the Washington Post (presented, through admirable restraint on my part, without comment):

A few more links available at the TaxProf Blog (via InstaPundit) and see this article for a more in-depth (although, admittedly, a biased and unflattering) look at Obama's tax plan which, unsurprisingly, has a bit more nuance to it. To avoid stoking the fires of the debate to revive the Fairness Doctrine, here is an equally unflattering review of McCain's plan. More »

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Can Someone Explain This To Me?

And what's the watch for?

More pics after the jump.

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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Yo Dude, Where Was Your Mom Last Night

Skippomac posted Day of the Jackass at 12:40 a.m., aka the "attempted assassination" of Barack Obama, scooping pretty much everyone except the po-lice. Now most of you read that and couldn't believe that people would make an attempt at the president so half-assedly. Well, the suspects were found with 44 grams of meth. A coworker described that quantity as enough to provide power for New York City if you put treadmills under the doer's feet. Here's a video of someone describing the ill effects of meth under the influence of meth, after the jump.

Skippomac adds: Look how sad she is in the first pic; almost like she knows she is going to turn into Phil Spector 4 years and 5 months later.

For Fans of Crackheads Gone Wild 4

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Nothing Cures a Hangover Like Maggots in Your Brain

"Functionally retarded" would have needed too much space

I think when this guy was asking folks to "Git-R-Dun" he had Eddie Hazel in mind. This is one of the best solos in music. The story goes that while George Clinton was on acid he asked Eddie Hazel, who was smacked out on heroin, to play the first half of the song as if he had just found his mother dead and the second as if she had risen again. Oh yeah, he also did it in one take.

Let's see what you "git-dun" today.

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Day of the Jackass

Not exactly what Hitler had in mind.

This will be the hot news tomorrow:

CBS 4 in Denver is now reporting that "at least four people are under arrest in connection with a possible plot to kill Barack Obama at his Thursday night acceptance speech in Denver."

Further details suggest that this falls somewhat short of the crime of the century:
CBS4 has now learned at least four people are under arrest in connection with a possible plot to kill Barack Obama at his Thursday night acceptance speech in Denver. All are being held on either drug or weapons charges.
The drug in question, as it turns out, is meth. Hardly the drug of choice for your standard professional assassin. Unless he plans on assassinating a VCR by taking it apart and putting it back together again a couple hundred times. Further evidence that the presidential hopeful doesn't need to lose a lot of sleep over this threat is the fact that the plot began to unravel when the suspect's pickup was pulled over for driving erratically (that is also how they caught John Wilkes Booth). Under intense casual questioning by law enforcement, the suspect committed what would prove to be a major tactical error. He was asked if he planned on killing Barack Obama. He replied that he was. After what I imagine was a fairly long and awkward pause, he and his buddies were arrested on all sorts of charges.

He is being reported as a member of a white supremacist group but, based on his mug shot, he himself is far more likely to be on the wrong side of any "racial hygiene" program. Or regular hygiene program, for that matter. Check out Instapundit for a sampling of blogger reactions. More »

Monday, August 25, 2008

How to Be a Good Neighbor Hood Gossip

The "S" stands for sex activist.

Want to know who is a rapist, serial killer or just a pedophile? This site lets you know! With all the details! Full names, birth dates, arrest charges and previously known addresses all with the click of a finger! Absolutely free! All the details of the how to after the jump!

Click on neighborhood watch tab circled in red above.

Now type in zipcode and worry! Easy as pie!

CriminalSearches Beta
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Love On The Nun

Not everyone is the same kind of beautiful in God's eyes. The "Miss Sister 2008" contest will start in September on a blog run by the Rev. Antonio Rungi and will give nuns from around the world a chance to showcase their work and their image.
More details after the jump.

The nuns will be allowed pose with the veil covering face or get controversial by showing skin, cheeks that is.

Rev. Antonio Rungi says, "This will be an occasion to make their contribution more visible."

Conribution being what? My newfound hard-on during mass? Thanks Reverend Run-gi for making me think of Sister Christian in a different way for the rest of my life.

The blog should be up and running soon.


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Saturday, August 23, 2008

WTF Bans Black Cuban For Kicking Chinese Referee

Yeah, WTF stand for World Taekwondo Federation. Cuban gets pissed. Kicks ref. For all you who give a shit about Olympics. Video (ed. plus some back story) after the jump. Au revoir Frere Jack.


Skippomac adds: There is some juicy back story here as well. Taekwondo is on the bubble of elimination from the Olympics (sports are added and removed from the olympics every cycle). In an attempt to stave off elimination, the World Taekwondo Federation had a meeting in June where they apparently asked the 25 countries competing this year to "to sign an agreement to not protest or file complaints in the Olympics in an effort to keep taekwondo in the Olympics," according to this report by Thomas Leemon (yes, THAT Thomas Leemon).

This all went in the crapper when favored American Steven Lopez, of the famous Fighting Lopez's, lost to a questionable call a couple days ago and his coach (manager? head of delegation? something.) Herb Perez went BONKERS, not only filing a protest but blowing the whole lid off the attempts to keep, uh... well, a lid on protests. The USA Taekwondo organization has apparently decided that it is better to toe the party line, however, and threw old Herb under the bus with this notice following a much more positive report of the Lopez incident:
NOTE: The views expressed by the U.S. Olympic Head of Team for Taekwondo, as published in some news articles regarding the Olympic taekwondo competition, do not necessarily reflect the views of USA Taekwondo. USAT continues to work with the World Taekwondo Federation to ensure a level playing field for all athletes.
Translation: "Sit and spin, Perez." All for an apparently lost cause anyway. If you are going to go out, don't go out like a punk, stand up for your boy. Weak.

Also, the ref is Swedish, not Chinese. I expect Mumbles said that he was Chinese because (a) they are in China and (b) while getting kicked in the face he looks like an Asian from a World War II propaganda poster:

Normally, sans foot, referee Chakir Chelbat (of beautiful Trelleborg, the pride of Skåne County), looks like this:

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Can't We All Just Get Along?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post. More »

Separated by an ocean, lost by a sea...

These guys have douchebag written all over them, but this song is phenomenal. It makes me feel like wanting to wake up in the morning, like when I'm almost getting to the beach, like Friday or vacation. It makes my curmudgeonly self feel hopeful. And if you know dick about music you will love it on that forefront, as well. It has 5 or 6 parts which is atypical of a pop song, and this one is one of the representative pop songs of the modern age. It's OC, but i don't give a shit. My favorite lyric and song after the jump. I know, I'm gay. Tell my girlfriend. Let her know it's Saturday in Texas while you are at it. Now...where'd I put that drink...

"I hear you’re somewhere in the sand
and how I wish I was an ocean
maybe then, I'd get to sea you again"

that's wrong, he probably says see, but being separated by an ocean or sea makes you a lil' nostalgic. So does hawaiian drunch. Click for recipe. Happy Saturday, men.

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Friday, August 22, 2008

Wake Up Britney, We're Here. Welcome To Shittown.

Damn. She is fucking horrible. If this is all she has to comeback to, I don't see how she could fail. Video of how she really sounds like during a concert after the jump. My favorite part is when she really starts feeling it in the cowboy hat at 1:09.

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Thursday, August 21, 2008

The blind pandering to the blind

Local expert explains a traffic safety device
designed to protect the visually impaired.

This snippet from this story about how California is exploring legislation mandating noisemakers on too-quiet hybrid cars pretty much sums up all the fundamental problems with the current state of American government:
Although there apparently are no reported cases of a pedestrian being killed after walking in front of a silent-running hybrid, near misses and minor scrapes are becoming more frequent. According to a story going around Sacto, an unsuspecting Assembly staffer was almost clipped by a hybrid while walking through Capitol parking garage.
In other words, they are inspired to fix something which apparently isn't a problem because someone they know is a drama queen. This is both hilarious and tragic. Hilarious because experts such as one Mr. Bubb Rubb of Oakland, California have already researched and extensively tested devices to protect the blind from silent cars:

This spectacular waste of time and taxpayer money is also tragic because there are legitimate traffic issues that could be solved. In particular, almost 1800 kids are killed annually in traffic related accidents, according to The National Center for Statistics and Analysis (NCSA), an office of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA). If all of the effort outlined in that article were applied to keeping kids alive, and if they could manage to reduce that number by even 1%... let me run the numbers here... that would reduce roughly INFINITY more deaths than putting a fucking waterproof car noise speaker on a hybrid car.

I guess children need to hire better lobbyists... or stage a near-miss in front of a staffer in the capitol parking lot. Fuck me. Makes this guy seem much less crazy.
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This website is not just here to get you laid and make men out of you boys. It is here to educate. It is here to keep you informed of the goings on in our world. It is here take a stand against negative social values.

Yeah, right. was already taken.

But no shit, I was watching Nip/tuck the other day and this super hot girl was trying to make this really little girl throw up in a trashcan so she could lose weight and get some boy to like her. (the girl couldn't do it so she talked her into just blowing the kid instead) The thing that interested me though was how the hot girl came up with the amount the little girl was supposed to weigh. She asked Ana & Mia, via the internet of course. You see, Ana & Mia are codenames for anorexia and bulimia. And there are thousands of webpages that form a sort of club around this. So of course I go to look this up cause I am a sick twisted bastard, and to be honest wiith you, i got no joy out of it. It actually made me sad. There are all types of BMI BMR height/weight charts/calculators, recipes producing food that has only 50 calories, and a song list:

Full list, who'd you screw poll and more B.S. after the jump...

* 4st 7lb - Manic Street Preachers
* Ana's Song - Silverchair
* Anorexic Beauty - Pulp
* Away From Me - Evanescence
* Bandages - Hot Hot Heat
* Beautiful - Christina Aguilera
* Beautiful - Joydrop
* Big Isn't Beautiful - King Andora
* Binge and Purge - Lunachicks
* Bionic Eye - Liz Phair
* Bulimic Beats - Catatonia
* Bulima Blow Job - Cradle Of Thorns
* Christine - Siouxsie & The Banshees
* Distant Voices - Bush
* Feed Me - Juliana Hatfield
* From 100,000 Fireflies - Magnetic Fields
* Hide U - Kosheen
* Hunger Strike - Temple Of The Dog
* If You Could Only See - Tonic
* Jenny, Your Barley Alive - Rilo Kiley
* Judy's Staring At The Sun - Catherine Wheel
* Little Miss S. - Edie Brickell & New Bohemians
* Lucy At The Gym - Jill Sobule
* Mama Mia - Abba
* Miss Otis Regrets - Bette Midler
* My Beloved Monster - Eels
* Obsession - Animotion
* Paperbag - Fiona Apple
* Perfect - Alanis Morissette
* Rainy Days and Mondays - The Carpenters
* She's Falling Apart - Lisa Loeb
* Skinny - Filter
* Skinny White Thing - Shampoo
* Sweetest Perfection - Depeche Mode
* The First Taste - Fiona Apple
* Things I'll Never Say - Avril Lavigne
* Tiny Dancer - Elton John
* Tunic - Sonic Youth
* Turn The Page - Metallica
* Ugly - Smashing Pumpkins
* Whats Good For Me - Lucy Woodward
* Women Loose Weight - Morcheeba
* Yellow - Coldplay

As well as book list, poems, a list of things to distract yourself from eating (the most boring shit no one ever does cause its fucking so boring i.e.clip toenails, wash sheets, BORING!) and well, a legal notice.

This shit is wack. I don't no about you guys, but i like a little junk in the trunk. So guys, from now on when your girl asks if she's getting fat, tell her, "In all the right places, places baby. Now be a good girl and go get daddy another adult drink."

I mean come on:

He would you rather have a roll in the hay with?
A. Monica Bellucci
B. Posh "Devil Woman" Beckham free polls

And here's the list of distractions in picture form(click to enlarge), I'm not gonna link to the site cause I don't want any fatasses suing me. But don't worry dudes, getting shithouse drunk and puking every night doesn't make you a Mia, especially seeing as your drunk ass ate almost a whole pizza after you hurled, you know, "to make yourself feel better."

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Wednesday, August 20, 2008 Test

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Lilia Stepanova, Contorcherist

What's that you ask? That's someone who is both a contortionist AND an archer. AT THE SAME TIME. And shes bangin' hot.

Just watch this and thank me later. I don't know how she learned how to do this, but I'm sure this girl could do anything she sets her mind to...

Full video after the jump.

Every Man's Dream Girl - video powered by Metacafe

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Bob Saget Raped And Killed A GIrl In 1990

Comedy has changed. Gilbert Gottfried said something funny at Bob Saget Roast.

Video after the jump.

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If you were paying attention, and not looking at your favorite pay per view site, Sea-Monkeys don’t exist. I know this is getting pretty shitty, first Skippomac’s debunking of the Chinese foot pads and now this. Good news though, brine shrimp do! Yes, those Sea-Monkeys you loved and watched die as a child were not just figments of your imagination, like the unconditional love from your parents. Sorry, get over it.

This is a new series entitled: SCIENCE EXPLAINED….where I do extensive research into things that confuse me. If Skippomac is going to start writing about smart shit, then I have do my part to keep up. Can’t let our readers stay dumb. And let’s get honest, there are only so many Spaghetti Cats and Barkies out there for me to get by posting without having to do any work.

Get the rest of the story that will get you laid at the next party you weren’t invited to in the first place after the jump.

Ok, in order to keep you interested, I’ll give you the money shot first. The guy that first marketed Sea-Monkeys was the same guy that “invented” X-Ray Glasses. For all of you readers under 50, they don’t really work. Sea-Monkeys do, however, and use large amounts of SCIENCE to give you the wonderful lesson in life creation that made these so popular. (for families too poor and parents to lazy to clean a fish tank, the ads use to highlight this by saying, “Raise a Sea-Monkey Family…in an ordinary milk glass!” )

The most interesting part of Sea-Monkeys is how they work. Remember I said how they used SCIENCE? Well, they do. Sea-Monkeys, when purchased, come in three packages marked “1” (water purifier), “2”(instant life), and “3”(growth food).

Step 1, fill some shit with water, preferably something you can see though (watching them have sex is the best part). Put in water purifier. This is a lie, its actually brine shrimp eggs in a state of cryobiosis, an extreme dehydration, similar to criobiosis (think false rumor of beloved Walt Disney). This state of suspended animation allows the shrimp to resume life upon rehydration. 24 hours later, add package number 2, the instant life, which is in fact more eggs. Then they begin fucking like ghetto rats. Then you feed them and yada yada yada… Science is getting boring here to me, but you get the point. If you still don’t understand, watch this
and buy them here.

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Skippomac Added To Mumble To My Neighbor

I don't know if you noticed, but all those semi-intelligent, semi-sober posts about politics, sports and Chinese foot pads? They weren't me. They are the newly added blogger Skippomac. Check him out.


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Hot Wire A Car in Seven Steps

Holy smokes, I've always wanted to know how to do this. And now I do! You can too! What you'll need:

Full instructions after the jump.

Locate the ignition tumbler, the spot where you normally put your key. Remove the covers and panels around the tumbler.
Examine the ignition setup. There should be a panel with five to eight wires clipped to the rear of the tumbler. Remove the panel and try to manually turn the ignition switch using a screwdriver. If you can do this, then you are done! When you turn the ignition switch (usually with a key), it rotates a pin or lever on the back side of the tumbler. The panel is essentially a switch with four positions: off, accessories, full on and ignition. The different positions of the key correspond to each of these positions.
Research the color coding of the ignition wires for your specific car model. If you are not able to manually turn the ignition switch with a screwdriver, you will have to strip wires to hot-wire the car.
Locate the “on” positive and negative wires in the steering column. They should run up to the ignition tumbler and be color-coded.
Pull those wires from the ignition, strip a portion of each and twist them together. The car will now be on and ready for ignition. This is where you truly hot-wire a car. These wires carry a charge, which is why they are called “hot.”
Find the starter wires and pull them from the ignition tumbler as well. Strip the ends and touch these wires together briefly. This should activate the starter, firing up the car. If you have done everything properly, your car will now be running. Do not leave these wires touching each other once the car is running.
Cover up any exposed wires to avoid painful electric shocks. Drive away and have your ignition repaired or a new key made so you do not have to hot-wire the car regularly.

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Digger the Dermatophyte haunts me

One of the many stupid and disgusting foot products available after 11pm on CNN.

Finally, someone has taken the time to definitively debunk the Kinoki Footpads. Christ, that took long enough. Unsuprisingly, both science (chemical analysis revealed no chemical difference between used and unused pads) and common sense (exposing the foot pad to simple steam produces the nasty brown/black color) proved the point.

Why did it take so long? I suppose it is largely because nobody actually believed they were legit in the first place. The actual debunking step was just going through the motions. I actually don't care whether they work or not, I am just tired of being bombarded by pictures of feet in a wide and varying collection of nasty while trying to watch late-night cable. Nasty-ass brown footpads, disgusting crazy little toenail fungus cartoon creatures and, worst of all, people shaving their fucking horrible dead snake skin off their heels with a small cheese-grater. That one has the extra bonus of continuing on for near-eternity; long enough for me to vomit, recover and vomit again. I can't even get up the courage to go find a picture of it because I think I might lose my FunYuns. More »