Thursday, May 28, 2009

Damn you, Bread. Damn you to Hell.

My father hated bread, for some reason. He didn't talk about it, but whenever he made a sandwich I would watch him curse at it, mangle and mold it by brute force into position around the core of the sandwich. He had huge hands and little patience, which I believe was the root cause of the hostility. Sandwich-making for him was a struggle, one that he only really engaged in for the benefit of my sister and I. For himself, he always had a can of soup. He wouldn't speak much during lunch, simply watch us chatter, sip his soup and smile with satisfaction as our teeth tore and devoured his fluffy enemy.
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Wednesday, May 27, 2009


"His book is 52 pages -- some blank, others with just a few words -- and offers his optimistic philosophy on life. One two-page section reads, "Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react!" Another page reads "I hate the word hate!"

"Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed," West said. "I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book's autograph."

Click thru for the story.

"Proud non-reader" rapper Kanye West turns author

* West book details his wisdom or "Kanye-isms"

* Book dedicated to his mother, former English professor

* "I would never want a book's autograph"

By Mark Egan

NEW YORK, May 26 (Reuters) - Rapper Kanye West does not read books or respect them but nevertheless he has written one that he would like you to buy and read.

The Grammy Award winner, known for his No. 1 albums and outspoken statements on everything from racism in America to the banality of Twitter, is the co-author of "Thank You And You're Welcome."

His book is 52 pages -- some blank, others with just a few words -- and offers his optimistic philosophy on life. One two-page section reads, "Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react!" Another page reads "I hate the word hate!"

"This is a collection of thoughts and theories," West, 31, said in an interview about his spiral-bound volume, which was written with J. Sakiya Sandifer.

West said he put his thoughts in a book because "I get paraphrased and misquoted all the time." He calls his wisdom "Kanye-isms."

"My favorite one is 'Get used to being used,'" he said.

"I feel like to misuse, overuse or abuse someone is negative. To use is necessary and if you can't be used, then you are useless."

So does he fancy himself a modern-day Confucius?

"I'm trying to end the confusion," he said, laughing and adding, "I'm gonna put that on the next album."

West's derision of books comes despite the fact that his late mother, Donda West, was a university English professor before she retired to manage his music career. She died in 2007 of complications following cosmetic surgery.

"Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed," West said. "I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book's autograph.

"I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life," he said.

West, a college dropout, said being a non-reader was helpful when he wrote his book because it gave him "a childlike purity."

West dedicates the book to his late mother.

"My mom taught me to believe in my flyness and conquer my shyness," he said, defining "flyness" as confidence. "She raised me to be the voice to allow people to think for themselves, to find their own way." (Editing by Michelle Nichols and Bill Trott)

From Reuters

From Reuters

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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A Letter From Our Future

I live in Bed Stuy, Brooklyn. The point of origination from such greats as Chris Rock and Biggy Smalls. I was lucky enough to find a letter on the ground the other day from November 28, 2007. It is a casual letter between friends (from TITI to KEITHY) . It covers all things that are common in a teenagers life. You know, getting banged out by a gut who alreday has a girlfriend, small acts of vandalism, family members dying, thoughts of suicide and an all out street fight. The girl is at least 16 years old because she is entering Job Corps. Anyway, it's sad and shameful, as well as checks off every stereotypic classification know to both teenagers and her probable ethnicity.

I have read many articles regarding texting affecting teens writing skills but I thought this was just stupid, out of touch, lazy journalists at the New York Times catching on to the latest (albeit very old...) fad. I thought that surely, there was no way a kid could not distinguish between typing on a LITTLE phone and typing on a BIG computer. For a grade? And switch from the abbreviated form to the more elaborate PROPER form that English teachers with big noses and dark framed glasses require?

(Just a disclaimer here, it's whiskey that affects my writing skills, not texting. In order to text, you have to have friends and I rid myself of those a long time ago...)

Back to what I was talking about...what was I talking about? Oh yeah, America's future. You thought the past few years was bad, get ready for Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome style, converting pig feces into fuel, uber depression, Idiocracy level future ahead of us. And a quote from that movie:

"The #1 movie in America was called "Ass." And that's what it was. For 90 minutes. It won four Oscars that year, including best screenplay."

But back to the point I was making. This is a glimpse into a life that you have sense been removed from. (Youth, hope, and a the imagination of a promising future...) The full letter in its original neon green! format after the jump. Click on each jpeg to see it in it's full size.

And just for making it this far, here are DVD versions of both Mike Judge's (Office Space, King of the Hill, Beavis and Butthead) Idiocracy and Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome. I watched ole Mel in this movie the other day and it still holds up.

Enjoy, and if your kid's got a cellphone, (especially an iPhone!) steal that shit back! It's for his own good!

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Monday, May 25, 2009

BadAssvertising : I Wanna Move To New Zealand

There is nothing better to celebrate a holiday weekend of binge drinking than a baddassvertisement designed to prevent binge drinking. New Zealand must full of drunks and advertising geniuses for them to create an entire ad campain against getting shithoused with the most awesomely laughable results. I can't speak for everyone when I say that this ad is hilarious because, as you may have noticed by now, I am a sick bastard. I don't think humor was their desired endgame, but I think they're forgetting that a person that oftentimes binge drinks, is probably a sick bastard on some level. Advertisement after the jump. Welcome back to the workforce!

Apparently everyone didn't find this amusing and/or effective. After complaints were made to the Advertising Standards Authority about the Alcohol Advisory Council ad, they deemed it unsuitable to air on television...til after 8:30pm. Sorry (image may be NSFW) Pulp, but I believe this is hardcore.


Thanks for the link Larocca.

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009 Test With Answers

In the spirit of always bringing you the new and exciting I am now going to report on something that is approximately a year old. (going forward I'll refer to this as

Now with sites in Denmark, the United Kingdom, Italy as well as the international "dot com," the site is attracting about 5,000 unique visitors every day. This doesn't mean 5,000 new members a day. There aren't that many people in the world that could pass the test. A ride on the New York City subway proves that thoroughly.

If you are still so retarded as to have a Myspace page, you will probably notice that everyone else on the site is a retard. By the way, this guy is in the running for BIGGEST RETARD.

Be Careful, SCREEN NAME NSFW. Just click, you'll see.

So does screenout ass hats like the one above. The 18 question test shows you 8 shapes and you have to select the one from 8 shapes below it, the one that best completes the group. It gives you a minute per question. It aims to determine those with an IQ of 115 and higher. The site says that this is the top 15% of the population. (Mensa membership is supposedly the top 2%)

So to do you morons a favor, I'm gonna post some of the questions and a few of the hotter ladies from the site so you can get your ass off Myspace and find you a nice nuclear physicist to make you feel small and helpless after insulting you on your message board.

Questions and Pics of the girls who will no doubt reject you, after the jump.

If I didn't have an old lady and I was gonna look for a new one, I'm not sure I would really want intelligence to be the main factor for choosing my mate. Maybe a site like would be more like it. But does weed out the ass hats by forcing you to pass an IQ test so I guess they got that going for them.

Here's what you are studying for. Graduate level floozies.

You can't take the test more than twice, so pay attention.

Just to be fair, if you wanna take the the test without the answers. You can find it here. I am sure you will get the end and see the screenshot above, but alas, some people like to learn the hard way. Also, you only get a MINUTE per question, DON'T CHEAT! If you're a lazy ass and just want the answers, then let's get down to business!

First we have to start with some rules. When I refer to a square I will say "square #." If I am referring to a row, I will say "row #." And lastly, "column letter." Like the image above. Allright, let's get this over with...

It's B retard. This is doing two things: 1. teaching how the puzzles work and 2. training you to look for patterns in rows ONLY. DON'T fall for it!

Same thing. A
A little different. Here the pattern goes circle, triangle, square. Triangle always comes after circle. Answer is H.
This is the first one that goes in columns. Answer is F.

Arrow rotates 90 degrees counter clockwise as each shape goes to the right. Answer is E.

I might be wrong on this one but the combination of shapes diagonally from square 3 to square 7. Then the row 2, and lastly the diagonal from square 1 to square 9. AKA clockwise. So the combination of the triangle and circle would give you B.
You need to look for the patterns here from what you get from each column: TOP to BOTTOM. It helps to also think that within each set of columns there are three more columns as dilineated by the division of each rectangle into 3 parts. Square 1 has the black rectangle in the first column. Square 4, the next in the sequence has it in the 2nd column. Square 7 has it in the last column. The colors to the right or left follow the same process. If they are in the last row then its next position will be in the first and so on. Oh yeah and if you figured it out and picked H like a jackass, then you are, in fact, a jackass. The stripes are horizontal in column C, not vertical. Answer is G.

This is the first of its kind in the test we have seen so far. The formula is from left to right. Dots in column A + Dots in column B will be the number of Dots in column C. Row 3: 1 + 1 = 2. Answer is E.
This is the same thing with a twist. Column A + column C = Column B - bisecting line. Answer is A.

Pattern goes from left to right in each row. Whatever color has the most circles in the first triangle of each row rotates clockwise to occupy those spacews as the shapes go from column to column. Answer is F.

This one is easiest explained like that game "SNAKE." The pattern goes in columns from row 1 to row 3. Square 1, note the position of the two colored squares. Square 4, notice how they all shifted counterclockwise 1 square? And square 7? The same. Answer is D.

This is same shit as before. Answer is C.

This pattern goes from top to bottom. Column A for example: Blacksquare left, black square right, grey square. Column B. Find blacksquare left. Start there. Then blacksquare right. Ran out of room? Go back to the top. Grey square. Answer is D. Also, same 3 shapes show up in every column, its the only one not in column A that was in the other 2.

Pattern goes from left to right. Smallest angle rotates to the right 90 degrees and star is always on the side of the hypotenuse. Answer is A.

Column B = Column A (rotated 90 degrees) + Column C (rotated 90 degrees). Answer is B.

This one took me forever to figure out. I just said screw it and guessed something. It was one of the 3 I missed when I actually took the test. However, after pounding about 6 whiskies I drunkenly took it out of my bag just for something to look at and it jumped out at me. Column B = Column A - Column C. Answer is B.

This one seems tricky but is pretty easy. The pattern goes diagonally. Each color square has its own independent rule. So we'll look at squares 3, 5 and 7. All colored squares move right one square each jump.

I couldn't figure this out. Had to ask an intern. She pointed out something we haven't seen before. Counting the WHITE squares. When we do, we see a pattern develop vertically. Column A = 5,6,5 ; Column B = 4,5,4 ; Column C = 4,5,4. That eliminates B and H. She also noticed that all the squares had their mirror opposite represented in the puzzle (1 & 7 , 3 & 8 , 5 & 6) except for square 2 and 4. That only leaves you E. What about the lone square that doesn't have a partner? Eat a dick, 9 is an odd number. That's the best anyone can come up with.

I should also let it be known that a coworker I gave this too, (who will be referred to as AssKlein because he never responded to my emails) solved the two I couldn't. I gave them to him one late Friday after work and he returned in about 4 minutes with two guesses. Question 18 was correct and with the reasoning I gave above. Question 16 was correct but with some crazy ass bullshit reasoning that didn't make sense to me. So in my book, he's the smartest guy where I work. He also looks like a bear. So I guess when he's not standing around wiping his ass with rabbits he's studying Mensa tests. Who woulda thought!

So congratulations AssKlein, you get the mumbles badge of approval! Which is absolutely worthless!

So now that you know the answers you can scoop up all the chicks! Not sure if they change the test, but you better hope they don't. You're welcome. I'm out.


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Friday, May 15, 2009

Play Escapa! Aguanta or Red Square Online

This game is old but so am I. Picture that 3 legged dog with hardly any teeth and only one testicle hobbling around looking for scraps in the garbage and you have a good image of me. So what do you expect? Cutting edge news!

Me if I was a dog

Click thru for more info and the game. I promise, it gets more interesting.


I know it looks like something from the 1980s and probably is. The earliest online reference I can find to it is early 2006. The point of the game is to move the red square around with your mouse to keep the blue blocks from hitting you. It's a simple premise but kind of addicting. It is rumored that you have be able to last for 2 minutes to get into the Australian Airforce. It is also rumored that to get into the Lithuanian Airforce you have to show enough restraint to not try and hump with the machine they ask you to play the game on. I wouldn't be able to get into either.

As you can see from the photo above (not photoshopped, don't those kinds of skillz!) there is a cheat. See if you can find it and impress your mom. Play the game HERE.

If you think this game is somewhat interesting, wait til you play FantasticContraption

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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Can't Download KFC Chicken Coupon, You Can Now

Want your KFC riot inducing coupon now? Well it's too late. Unless you come here. Get it for free at

You see, after it was posted on the internet and spoken as of writ on Oprah, website became clogged. It crashed conveniently. Yum Brands, KFC's owner, somehow traded up on this disastrous uproar, with riots in midtown Manhattan, the heart of the impervious NYC Manhattan Non-Wall Street empire, shops closed. Riots were induced. Sit-ins were invoked. Didn't find the news early enough? Here's the solution.

Download it here. Mumbletomyneighbor will provide it for you. You see, after the link was posted on various websites, Oprah mentioned it on her TV show, thereby causing it to crash. No one could download so Oprah posted the PDF to the "UNIVERSAL COUPON" which is located after the jump. No serial numbers change. Print and copy with abandon. Middle America, I salute you. The full coupon, after the jump.

Free Full Meal Coupon
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Like Having a Bum Cage in the Bronx Zoo...

Oh goodness, this is too funny. From Reuters:

Afghanistan's Only Pig Quarantined in Flu Fear

By Golnar Motevalli

KABUL (Reuters) - Afghanistan's only known pig has been locked in a room, away from visitors to Kabul zoo where it normally grazes beside deer and goats, because people are worried it could infect them with the virus popularly known as swine flu.

The pig is a curiosity in Muslim Afghanistan, where pork and pig products are illegal because they are considered irreligious, and has been in quarantine since Sunday after visitors expressed alarm it could spread the new flu strain.

"For now the pig is under quarantine, we built it a room because of swine influenza," Aziz Gul Saqib, director of Kabul Zoo, told Reuters. "We've done this because people are worried about getting the flu."
(ED: they're worried about getting the flu when they only have one pig in the whole damned country??)

Worldwide, more than 1,000 people have been infected with the virus, according to the World Health Organization, which also says 26 people have so far died from the strain. All but one of the deaths were in Mexico, the epicenter of the outbreak.

There are no pig farms in Afghanistan and no direct civilian flights between Kabul and Mexico.

"We understand that, but most people don't have enough knowledge. When they see the pig in the cage they get worried and think that they could get ill," Saqib said.

The pig was a gift to the zoo from China, which itself quarantined some 70 Mexicans, 26 Canadians and four Americans in the past week, but later released them.

Some visitors were not concerned about the fate of the pig and said locking it away was probably for the best.

"Influenza is quite contagious and if it passes between people and animals then there's no need for the pig to be here," zoo visitor Farzana said.

Shabby and rundown, Kabul Zoo is a far cry from zoos in the developed world, but has nevertheless come a long way since it suffered on the front line of Afghanistan's 1992-4 civil war.

Mujahideen fighters then ate the deer and rabbits and shot dead the zoo's sole elephant. Shells shattered the aquarium.

One fighter climbed into the lion enclosure but was immediately killed by Marjan, the zoo's most famous inhabitant. The man's brother returned the next day and lobbed a hand grenade at the lion leaving him toothless and blind.

The zoo now holds two lions who replaced Marjan who died of old age in 2002 as well as endangered local leopards. In all, it houses 42 species of birds and mammals and 36 types of fish and attracts up to 10,000 visitors on weekends.

(Reporting by Golnar Motevalli; Editing by Jon Hemming)

Oh goodness...


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