Awesome Scams From 2008

Wired does a really good job of writing this article so I'll just link to it. Here's two fairly interesting excerpts, if you like these, you'll like the rest.

The Big Gulp

You're a Russian hacker who's just managed to crack a server that processes transactions from Citibank ATMs at 7-Eleven convenience stores. No fool, you suck down thousands of Citibank customers' account numbers and PIN codes. Only one problem remains: How best to monetize your hacking haul.

The solution: offshore it, of course. The hacker, identity unknown, farmed out the stolen data to confederates in America, who traveled from as far as Missouri to converge on the Citibank ATM supercluster known as New York City. Using blank cards programmed with the hacked account numbers, the gang managed to steal at least $2 million from Citibank accounts, sending 70% of the take back to mother Russia, before a lucky traffic stop unraveled the scheme. In the end, the FBI made ten arrests, including two Ukrainian immigrates with more than $800,000 each stashed in their closets. That's a lot of Slurpees.

The Big Rig

How do you run a profitable interstate trucking company without all the hassle of driving trucks? Step one: Visit the online "load boards" where brokers advertise cargo in need of transport and negotiate a deal to, for example, haul a load from California to Maryland for $3,500. Step two: hack into the Department of Transportation website that maintains the master list of licensed trucking companies, and change the contact information for a legitimate firm to an address and phone number you control.

Step three: Profit! Posing as the company whose identity you just stole, outsource your job to another trucking firm for whatever price it wants; when the load is delivered, collect your $3,500, leaving the company that actually drove the truck trying in vain to invoice the company you hijacked. Step four: Get a lawyer. In October, federal prosecutors charged Russian immigrants Nicholas Lakes and Viachelav Berkovich with computer fraud for allegedly pulling this scam over-and-over again, to the tune of $500,000.

The Seven Best Capers of 2008

From Wired

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Kitten Breaks Leg, Angel Dies

"Did it for the pain medication..."

I've always had a thing for animal videos, I know it's gay, but they seem to be pretty popular on the web so I guess I'm not the only homo with a computer. This post will stick to cats and the previous feline posts here at mumbletomyneighbor.

We had that one of s cat getting a pail of water dumped on him, one of the first blogs to give you the famed Spaghetti Cat and some dumb video of a cat eating pizza. I just can't believe the demand for ridiculous shit about cats. People just eat it up. And why are all these people on the internet looking at fake cats, blogging about virtual cats when they could be sitting on their kitchen tile floor, putting masking tape on their cats feet and a large sprinkle of catnip right between the ears? Now that's entertainment. But I'm pretty sure that's how this little kitty got his leg broke and his owner is most definitely going to hell.



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THE DEATH OF BRICK AND MORTAR RETAIL?: At the same time that traditional retail is starving for sales and begging for help, Amazon.com is reporting a record season. Even though sales appear slow for other online sellers, it is clear that online retail is going to weather this storm much better than its real world counterparts.

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GUNS, DRUGS AND SEX: Not a story about Mumble's weekends, but about a Mexican beauty queen who was arrested running guns with drug dealers. Not an ancient, washed up babe, either; she is the reigning Miss Whatever Random Mexican State of 2008, third place in Miss Mexico. The question, of course, is whether this makes her more or less hot. I believe the answer is clearly an unequivocal "Yes".

(Hat-tip: Drudge)

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Childcare in the Recession

We have expanded, well, whatever the opposite of that word is, to giving you links and short snippets of things we find interesting due to the rigor of the end of the year. (contemplating suicide, drinking heavily, and contemplating suicide again)

So here is a child care segment from the Orange County Public Broadcasting, that makes me want to have a child.

Skippomac contends his children are indeed a blessing due to his immense amount of time for practicing beer can throwing. (He coined that not me, I just steal the phrase with reckless abandon, giving no credit to it's author).

In essence, when Daddy is out of a beer, you throw the empty at his head until he knows better than to leave you thirsty. Skippomac's children, Whitey and Darkie, 2 and 4, respectively, are a little slow to the take. (They take after their father)

Due to the fact that they don't understand "the game," his house is littered with beer cans, dented children and a disgruntled wife that was forced to decorate the family tree, with, you guessed it, dented beer cans.







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George W. Bush Resigns, Says Bush Text to Speech Editor

Says, "F*ck You, I Resign!"

This works for a good 5 minute time waster for you unfortunate schmucks who have to work tomorrow. (read, me) Type anything in the box and Bush reads it back verbatim! Boy, he sure has a filthy mouth. He must've said every expletive I could think of! And some I made up on the spot! Jizznut!

Bush Can Be Your Puppet




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Proof That I'm A Genius and Barney from The Simpsons is too.

Contemplating life's largest problems while drunk and alone.

And my newest excuse for showing up to work late.

B0ss: "Why are you late, again, peon!"
Me: "Because I'm too smart to get here on time."


Smart kids more likely to be heavy drinkers. From the London Times


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REVERSE SEINFELD: Good Samaritans can now be sued for attempting to help in California. Making official the old saying "No good deed goes unpunished".

(Hat-tip: HotAir.com)

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Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich Arrested

Bring a toothbrush.

The radio out here in Chicago is reporting that the troubled Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, was arrested by federal authorities earlier this morning. (Click here for breaking news on the arrest). Since this news is breaking at a little after 8 a.m., I think it is safe to assume that the arrest happened at a time of day which suggests that the evidence against him is rock-solid and the man is well and truly screwed. If there were any question as to the man's guilt in the eyes of the feds, they would probably either not arrest a sitting governor or at least give him the decency of a decent breakfast first. Initial reports suggest that he was trying to parlay his choice of replacements for Obama's senate seat into a sweet personal gig. Ah, Chicago.

Blagojevich has been under investigation since 2005 for a system of "pay-to-play" politics in his administration. Last month, according to a Chicago Tribune story that broke on Friday, feds apparently got judicial permission to secretly record Blagojevich on concerns that the decision on who to fill Barack Obama's soon-to-be-vacant senate seat was being tainted by a corrupt process.

So, most likely, the leaked news report forced the feds to put together a raid since the secret recordings were no longer a secret and they felt they were going to get no more info from the wiretap. So why didn't they do it immediately on Friday? Almost certainly the answer is bureaucratic politics and process. First, someone in the justice department chain-of-command had to authorize requesting the warrant. All the way up the chain, I would imagine because the era of the solo crusading prosecutor is long dead. At each step the men on the scene had to answer a slew of questions about the case, the evidence and the governor's probable defense.

All-in-all, feds aren't perfect, but they are really good at what they do and don't take risks. They have a nearly 100% conviction rate and only pull the trigger as a matter of form when the subject is already fundamentally settled. If you are arrested by the feds, you are almost certainly done for. Rob Blagojevich is done for.
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Whopper Virgins

These virgins will do ANYTHING for a whopper!

Get your mind out of the gutter you gluttonous, pervert! The heavens have not answered your prayers and finally made a porno about your two favorite things! What can this be you ask? Oh well, you'll only have to wait only to wait 5 Days 11 Hours 50 Minutes 10 Seconds to be disappointed.


Ok, Ok, I'll stop with the suspense so you can stop dancing around like you're doing the Pee Pee Dance. Click through for all the answers.



Well you know that huge grudge match that is currently going on that rivals the Cold War? No, not America's War on Terror. No, not America's War on Drugs. And no, not America's War on Keeping the Black Man Down. (that's over, in case you don't read newspapers...) It's grudge match between Burger King and McDonald's! Talk about taking it to a new level! They are going all out this time. Burger King has paid for a documentary that follows one man, Stacey Peralta, the legendary skateboarder and one of the original members of the Z Boys (Dogtown and the Z boys, he directed that too but is now doing glorified commercials for hamburgers) via:

"13 planes, 2 dog sleds, 1 helicopter. From a remote hill village in Thailand, a rural farming community in Romania and the icy tundra of Greenland. Real locations. Real burgers. Real Whopper Virgins. No nostalgia, no preconceived notions. No kings or clowns."

I gotta stop and say BURN!!!! on that one. They continue with all the boring details to give it some legitimacy:

"Watch the Whopper Virgins take their first bite. Conducted by independent, third party researchers.See what people think when no one has told them what to think. Whopper vs. Big Mac. See what the Whopper Virgins will decide."

Damnnnn! That's some powerful shit! I can't wait. I wonder what they will decide? will the special sauce throw them off? Will the size comparison be off putting? Wait a minute....It's called Whopper Virgins! Not Burger Virgins! Dammit! I call a do over! DO OVER! I have been kind enough to place the screenshot by screenshot so you don't have to sit through the annoying presentation method they opted for on their website.









Whopper Virgins

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Meet Punjab, The REAL Transporter

"Mr. Statham, Mr. Statham. Please report to you local unemployment office."

This Indian man stacks 20 bricks or more on top of his head to transport them to his local job site all for a paltry 10 rupees an hour. How much did you get to make that movie? Like 10 million pounds? Geesh!





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Bush Pardons Rapper, Obviously Has Cocaine, Running Around In His Brain

Daily WTF. Citibank gets the equivalent of a $1,000 for every man, woman and child in America. Jaguar Landrover wants in on the bailout. Bush pardons a RAPPER convicted of smuggling in $1.4 million bucks of liquid cocaine into the US in a briefcase. Why was he freed? Cause he knew Carly Simon. Or maybe Dubya just really loves that Fugees record, The Score. (he co-wrote and produced two songs on it) Shoot.Me.Now.


Dubya Frees Forte




Dillinger - Cocaine In My Brain


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Axl, Ali G Called, He Want's His Look Back

It's hard to take someone seriously as a tortured rock star when they have stolen their entire look from a fake rapper who lives with his mums. Apart from the realization that Chinese Democracy will do zero sales in the country by which it is named (due to the banning for having "Democracy" in the name, "Can I get a no shit, people?") it's release yesterday, at least here in the city, was met with little hype. Missing from today's buzz reels and passed around YouTube videos was the usual footage that comes with an album as awaited as this one, the midnight lines of fans waiting to be the first to purchase Chinese Democracy. I'm sure it will debut at number one, but I'm glad sales are going to be lower than expected. I hate Axl AND his fake hair. Weirdo. Rolling Stone




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CURE FOR WOLF BOY! NOOOOO!

Find Pruthviraj "Wolfboy" Patil, Win A Prize!

Aww man! I love Wolfboy! Granted, the source for this story is The Sun UK which is about as reliable a lifejacket made of prayers, but still, it's good news in my book. Now when I say they found a cure I obviously ain't talking about a razor, throwing lye in his face (a la Burt and Linda Pugachor) or laser removal. They tried all that shit, this kid's facial hair is the perennial engine that ain't taking no for an answer! It never stops growing! Well of course an American found a cure! More photos and story after the jump, oh yeah, for all you non-limeys out there, boffin means scientist, no one can agree on the etymology, but if you care about that stuff, the wikipedia entry entertained me for a few. Get at it.

Wolfboy has a a disease called hypertrichosis. And it isn't just his face that's covered in hair, it's his whole body. This kid has always had some hairy hairy balls!

So, "What's the cure! Tell us, Tell us!," you say! TESTOSTERONE!

WTF! "That's what my partner is taking to deepen her voice and GROW hair on her face and chest, BEFORE her operation," you say!

Yeah, yeah I know. But those boffins, they come up with the weirdest shit. My mother too. She told me at the age of four that whiskey tastes bad but it sure will fix a boo-boo...or a toothache or a bad day or the tv breakin or the car getting stolen...you get my point. But she was right!

So maybe the boffins will be too! Alas, wolf boy, you may finally feel the wonderful sensation of a woman running her hand across your furry stubble of your nipples.

Wikipedia says only 19 people "suffer" from it. Teh sun says 50. Who knows. Go Boffins!

Wolfboy having a bad hair day.

Wolfboy getting ready for his annual yearbook photo.

Wolfboy, 30 seconds after shaving.

Story and photos stolen from the Sun!

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Take Away the Legal Drugs and Prostitution, The Netherlands Are Still Awesome

I know it's not even Thanksgiving yet, but here's a hilarious three part video montage of David Sedaris reading his story, 6-8 Black Men. It outlines the differences between the folklore surrounding St. Nicholas in the Netherlands vs. here in the States, namely that Santa rolls around with a crew of 6-8 black men, not some pussy ass elves. His delivery is hilarious. Videos after the jump.

Part 1:


Part 2:


Part 3:


Here is a link to his funniest and best selling book, Naked.

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Renounce Your Citizenship, Erase Your Debt and Join a Cult

I was reading the NY Post today on the train coming to work in order stop staring at the most disgusting behemoth of a woman to ever have a short, South American (that's redundant, isn't it?) attempt to place his arms around her. And the article I got stuck on was about this drunken half Pakistani/Afghan who ran into a livery cab and killed the driver and this hot passenger. So immediately I was like, "You bastard!"

Daryush Omar and victim Panayiota "Penny" Demetriou

The guy looked just like any other wannabe thug from Jersey. The US had tried to deport him a number of times but unlike any other thug from New Jersey, he had a brain and used it. He renounced his Afghani citizenship thereby thwarting the men in charge with the question of "Where to deport him to?" So he avoided deportation and killed two people.

But back to the "how to" of the title....answer after the break.

No I know this is a convoluted way to get to the point but I started thinking a few things:

1. Good God that woman is fat! (see above)
2. Good God that man is short! (see above)
3. How do you renounce your citizenship?
4. Could this be used as a cleaner but more complicated way of absolving yourself of your debts? (providing you didn't mind moving to another country...)

So with little effort I found almost all my answers on The Straight Dope. They said:

(1) Travel to a country with which the U.S. has liberal entry/exit policies, i.e., where all that is needed to enter/exit is a birth certificate.
(2) Renounce citizenship in the U.S. embassy there.
(3) Do not indicate what citizenship you'll be acquiring.
(4) Get back to U.S. soil with your birth certificate.
(5) Wait for the state department to issue your certificate of loss of nationality without noticing you did not truly emigrate anywhere.
(6) Have a local court rule that you have an underlying `natural' nationality that entitles you to live on U.S. soil without being a citizen.

Simple enough, huh? So now if someone has a small amount of debt, I'm guessing less than 300,000 and doesn't owe a shitload in taxes (if you're worth over a half a mil you are held to be a tax evader, ipso facto) you could renounce your citizenship, find you a nice girl somewhere else, stay with her awhile and Tada! you have a new passport and with it, all the benefits a new identity affords you. Just a thought. I doubt it would be worth any creditors trying to track you down.

As far as joining the cult, that's just silly. You can figure that out for your self. Click Here

The Straight Dope

NY Post

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The DO still kill pirates!

Photo of the Somali pirates taken shortly before their surrender to Royal Navy Marines

Ah! Finally, some actual Royal-Navy-on-Pirate action! Some real Pirates of the Caribbean-type shit. In a welcome change from the recent "disinterested observer" approach to pirate fighting off Somalia, the Royal Navy frigate, HMS Cumberland, took more of a "pirate fighting" approach to pirate fighting.

Story and links after the break...

Early yesterday, a vessel had opened fire with assault rifles on a Danish-registered cargo ship, the MV Powerful. The offending vessel was later spotted and identified by the Cumberland, who dispatched two assault craft manned by squads of marines to
investigate:

The Ministry of Defence said the Marines circled the pirates’ boat to try and persuade them to stop.

As they approached, however, several of the pirates, a mixed crew of Somalis and Yemenis, swung their assault rifles in their direction and opened fire. The MoD said the Royal Marines returned fire “in self defence”, and then boarded the dhow — a stolen Yemeni-registered fishing vessel.

The commandos found guns and other “paraphernalia” on board the dhow and a handful of terrified pirates.

Three pirates suffered fatal injuries. This water battle stands in stark contrast to the Royal Navy's last middle eastern encounter when similar assault craft were surrounded and captured by Iranian gunboats last March.


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Super Obama World

Now that the drunken and murderous hangover that hung around (happily) for about 4 days for roughly 53% of the country and the hangover that will assumedly surround those that didn't get their way on election day, the sobriety of that vicious beast of a woman called Wall Street brings us all back to Earth. The market tanking last week only for a small rise on Friday's close was a wake up call for Obama's relentless supporters. Whatever it is that's gonna happen (change or same old shit), it isn't gonna happen overnight.

Skippomac was quick on the trigger today to show me Christopher Hitchen's, a Slate writer and Obama voter's article on his realization titled "Barack to Reality: Obama's victory didn't magically eliminate America's problems and enemies." Well worth reading after you waste about an hour on this site. Just saying...

In good old American fashion, (actually it was probably the Japanese), someone has taken the opportunity to create a wonderworld where everyone can live in suspended animation in a world of animation that is definitely not suspended. I introduce you to: Super Obama World. The video game places Obama in the role of our beloved Super Mario Bros. in the retro fashion of the original against their archnemesis, Sarah Palin! On her home turf! Yee-Gads!

Screenshots, with breakdown, link to work-time-waster of the week and the Mumbles exclusive "Obama World Avatar" after the jump.



Yes, you can see Russia from her house....

And beware of those nasty, deadly snow machines!



Obama must collect American flags instead of money, and avoid the treacherous pigs with lipstick (I'm serious) and jump over and around Mrs. Palin who is conveniently outfitted carrying a bag of money. The Japanese have way too much time on their hands...

Obama World Avatar

Super Obama World


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They used to kill pirates, didn't they?

The preferred form of execution for pirates these days is to pay 

them lots of money and hope they spend it on fatty foods.

I was sure that when the Russians showed up (see my earlier post), they were going to waste no time wasting some pirates. Well, the Russian missile frigate "Neustrashimy" (which apparently translates as "Fearless", which is understandable since apathy isn't scary) finally arrived off Somalia two weeks ago and done nothing but commenced "patrolling". Which is what every other western nation's ships have been doing since the tank ship was taken back when Sandler was funny. The Americans at least went so far as to communicate with the pirates to request and take pictures of the captive crew of the MV Faina. The owner of the ship is apparently in talks with the pirates to reach an acceptable ransom amount. Un. Fucking. Real. If these d-bags get paid, I am seriously putting together a crew and heading over there. Maybe scrape together a half-million and buy one of these decommissioned Soviet Cold War submarines for sale. Go James Bond villain on their asses.

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Touch of Yellow

The Grateful Dead cover band must have really been good, because Jersey City councilman Steven Lipski didn't want to miss a minute of the concert. Rather than waste time running all the way to the can from his balcony and standing in that long line, he simply decided to whip it over the railing and let it fly. His urine, I mean. If that wasn't clear. He started pissing on the crowd. Being a New Jersey politician, I am sure he didn't think it was a big deal. When he does it back home, he just tells his constituents that it is raining and they are fine with it.

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Advantages of a down economy: BizSpark

Fair warning: This fellow has far more
software development knowledge than I do.

One of the advantages of a down economy is that demand for certain things falls, and those who supply those things seek new ways to market their product. The startup industry has shrunk a little bit in the current economy and those that remain are tightening their belts amid the credit crunch. Microsoft, who has spent an great deal of time and energy in recent years attempting to expand down the market in enterprise solutions to service the smaller business, and has been attempting to claim territory in "software as service", the expected next phase of the software industry, has decided to offer a huge chunk of their software design and developer tool resources to startups at no charge. Gratis, save for a small, small fee on the back end and provided that they meet certain criteria.

Details after the break...

The service, called BizSpark (presumably along the same line as their previous, similar offering for students, DreamSpark), primarily offers major-league support through access to the Microsoft Developer's Network and the MSDN library and a whole suite of software tools including "all the software included in the Visual Studio Team System Team Suite" and eligibility for the brand spanking new Azure Services Platform. I have been reliably informed that this is good stuff by those who know about such things. If you are one of those kind of people, they have a list of the major features here.

I am involved in a internet start-up, myself (in a non-technical capacity) and although I expect that the tech offerings will save large amounts of expenses down the line, I signed my company up for the immediate business benefits. One of the criteria for qualification is that you are sponsored by one of Microsoft's "Network Partners", who can provide everything from industry contacts to funding to general mentoring. The list of BizSpark Network Partners includes a large number of venture companies, although I cannot personally vouch for their general caliber because I haven't closely reviewed the list.

If you are involved in any startup, this is definitely worth your time to look into. Companies are jumping at the opportunity; when I first looked at it this morning, the BizSpark Startup Directory had 12 companies listed. When I started writing this it had 27. Now it has 31. But that is the beauty of software as a product, no scarcity.

Check out this eWeek article for another, more in-depth, summary of BizSpark or check out their own FAQ.



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Natalie "Dogface" Dylan Gets Her (Elderly) Man

You remember the slutty virgin I told you about earlier who was selling her virginity to the highest bidder? Well she found a bidder of a cool $1 million dollars courtesy ot the loud mouthed windbag know as Tyra Skanks. Oh yeah, he's 59. Video after the jump.


[ORIGINAL POST]
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Book of the Week: The Pets by Bragi Ólafsson

Serendipitously, Mumbles mentioned Björk in a post a couple days ago and I just finished reading a crazy, but great, book by her band mate, former Sugarcubes bassist Bragi Ólafsson. I picked it at random off the new-release shelf at the library, as is my wont, and tore through its brief 157 pages in a couple days. My random grabs usually result in disappointment, but I have stumbled across some gems. A history of failures also has lowered my expectations, so the book doesn't need to be spectacular. Kind of like stumbling across a great deli in Brooklyn Heights; it might not have been so great if it was in Hoboken, but in Brooklyn Heights: Ciao! Bella! Which is something Italian I have heard people say and I hope isn't wildly inappropriate in this context.

So The Pets revolves around two fellows, Emil and Havard. Emil has just returned to Iceland from a trip to London when he spots trouble coming to his door in the form of an old acquaintance, Havard. Havard is that guy everyone knows who glides through life in a drunken haze, somehow managing to be just barely productive enough to support a lifestyle of drinking and causing trouble. He was great fun for us when we knew him in our early 20s, but he now represents a serious threat to our current status quo. If this was a Hollywood movie, Havard would be played by Owen Wilson.

Continues after the break...


When Emil sees Havard outside, he reacts as many of us would like to do; he hides. As if it was an ID'd call from a creditor. Undaunted by the lack of response, Havard crawls in the kitchen window and Emil commits to the dodge by hiding under his bed. During a tour of the house, Havard answers the phone and, pretending to be Emil, begins inviting Emil's friends over that night for a big party. One of the two major plots is Emil trying to figure out a way to both get rid of Havard and not reveal that he has been hiding under the bed. The second plot is the backstory of Emil and Havard's relationship revealed through flashbacks to London and the tragic hilarity that ensued there.

Ólafsson writes in clean, direct prose, giving vivid and detailed descriptions of what is happening in every scene. His style paints an realistic picture of the surreal action. In this paragraph, Emil is peering out from under the bed as Havard is poking around the bedroom:

The air under the bed is terrible. When I bought the flat I got someone to sand the rough surface on the walls, and the resulting dust collected in the carpet, where I suspect most of it still is. It feels as if my head is getting stuffed full with dust, which isn’t exactly what I need in these circumstances.

By lifting the sheet slightly higher I see that Havard is still wearing his anorak. It seems to be torn above the lower righthand pocket, which might have happened when he climbed in through the kitchen window. When he pulls the anorak back— probably to prevent it from getting in the way of the stream of urine—I can see he is wearing a suit and a light grey shirt, which I must admit goes very well with the suit...

The straightforward style greatly appeals to me and Ólafsson takes what is essentially a sitcom plot and inserts enough character and darkness into it to really make for a very enjoyable ride. There are some authentically hilarious moments and very few points where I felt the urge to start skimming ahead. Recommended highly as a light, quick read or for a change of pace between denser books.

Check out this interview with Ólafsson , which gives you insight into the kind of mindset that writes this kind of book. Having read the book first, I think he is a person who takes writing far more seriously than he lets on in that interview. The book is clearly the product of a talented, disciplined writer with an offbeat sense of humor. I am glad he made the transition from music to literature and I hope to see more of Bragi Ólafsson's work translated into English.
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CHARLES "CHUCKY" TAYLOR : GUILTY

The trial came to an end yesterday and Charles "Chucky" Taylor was found guilty. Jury began deliberating on Wednesday, October 31, 2008. It took them a day.

Story from Miami Herald.

Read all Mumbletomyneighbor posts regarding this epic event for the full backstory (rap track too!) here.
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64 Track All Vocal Video Version of MJ's Thriller!

François Macré, before and after the 350 hour transformation.

You may not have heard of one of Bjork's weird creations, Medulla, which debuted in 2004. The thing that made it stand out and forced me to listen it (once and once only) was that it was comprised entirely of vocal tracks. Anything that sounded like instrumentation was a human voice. It brought me back to the amazement I had after first seeing that guy from Police Academy make all those different sounds in his stand-up act.

Well, François Macré, a crazy frenchman with waaaaay too much time on his hands (took him 350 hours) has recreated Michael Jackson's amazing, Thriller. It's one thing to create a song with the idea of vocals only in mind, you set limits. Here, he takes the complex tune close to its original level, using 64 tracks, a computer, a mic and a little reverb and chorus for effects. The cool thing is each track is layed out on the screen in succession and when that track is utilized video of him making the sound shows in the square of the represented track. I enjoyed it, maybe you will to. Video after the jump. Can you find the track where he's merely eating crackers? Happy Halloween, kids....



His MySpace page, here.
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You can bring a cat to water....

Skippomac and I have come to the conclusion that the previous two posts were way too long for our reader's very short attention spans. It is for this reason after the jump I have posted a video that is only 9 seconds after the jump. It involves a cat, a large pot of water and gravity. We'll call this an experiment for those that forgot to take their adderall today, you know who you are.





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Mr. T : Born Without A Library Voice

My social calendar was BOOKED this weekend. But the weather was horrible and I still don't have heat and it was raining, and you know, me being made of sugar, I stayed home. So what did I do instead? Watched Rocky I-V. Again. For like the 30th time.

I came to the realization that Rocky I and II is the most epic romantic melodrama of all time. I cried. Only after I realized I was out of vodka, but the tears were real, nonetheless. I have never seen a love as paramount to that of me and my Old Lady as that of Rocky and Adrian. "Old Lady", that's a shout out to you, thank me later...

But more importantly, I also realized that Mr. T is the most amazing actor in the whole series of Rocky movies. Mickey is awesome, but that's just Mickey being Mickey. Paulie's great too, but his best line is in Rocky 4 when they arrive at their housing quarters in the rural, snow covered Soviet Union. The Russian says, "Like you requested" (in reference to the shack in the middle of nowhere) and Paulie says, "You requested this dump? Whadda you plan on doing here? Growing reindeer or something?"

Execution = perfect.

But nothing made me fear the consequences of boxing like the fear I felt from Mr. T aka James "Clubber" Lang. So mysterious and scary! Mr. T fascinated me so I decided to do some research into the man the myth and the legend, this what I found. Oh yeah, and links to superfast streaming Rocky I - III in their entirety after the jump.



Laurence Tureaud (Mr. T) was born May 21, 1952 in the projects of Chicago where he also grew up. Being a decent football player, he was the recipient of a scholarship to Prairie View A & M (all black sister school of Texas A & M) and was quickly thrown out after a years time. Mr. decided to try his hand at the military for a stint and returned unharmed (he was military police, he loved positions of authority and power, obviously).

He easily received work as a bouncer upon coming home. This is where he came up with the idea of all the gold chains. As these were often "left" in the bar by drunk patrons or those who lost them in the ensuing melee during a Mr. T escort to the parking lot, he kept them around his neck "for safekeeping." If they wanted them back, all they had to do was ask. No one ever did. I mean, what kind of bar has patrons who enter wearing gold chains an inch think, drunkenly lose them and never return to say,

Patron: "Hey, anybody seen a $10,000 gold chain lying around?"

Btender: "I don't know, go check lost and found."

Patron: "Where's lost and found?"

Btender: "You see that big guy wearing all the gold chains that looks like he eats badasses for lunch? It's right there. Oh yeah, and don't come in the bar anymore, or he'll soon be wearing a gold teeth necklace that looks reminiscient of your smile."

That's a badass. He got the idea for the mohawk from watching a documentary on the African Mandinka Warriors. (they had mohawks too)

He parlayed this menacing persona into a bodyguarding business that netted him $3,000 a day and quickly built up his gold chain collection to the level where it would take him an hour just to put them all on. He cleaned them ultrasonically every night which must've taken forever. Sometimes he would sleep in the heavy, shiny stuff that was valued at about $300,000 so that he could "see how my ancestors, who were slaves, felt." Ok, Mr. T, you work out the irony in that. Oh yeah, he did this while sleeping on a cloud of titties. Juuuuust like Africa!

After Rocky, he was given many awesome roles in shows such as: Silver Spoons (played Ricky Stratton's bodyguard, his agent thought it would give him acting cred), lost out on a role in Beastmaster, had a spot in Penitentiary 2 (cause 1 was suuuch a success),
his biggest role as Sergeant Bosco B.A. Baracus (one of my favorite shows growing up), a Mister T animated series, and a motivational video called, "Be Somebody...or Be Sombody's Fool!" (yes the exclamation mark is part of the official title and features everyones favorite meth slut gone mainstream, Fergie as a nubile young meth slut) This video offered up many pieces of advice to youngster's in dealing with the problems of the everyday world, such as, dressing fashionably ("Everbody's gotta wear clothes, If you dont, you'll get arrested." Thanks T.), drugs and peer pressure (a kid finds a beer and some cigarettes in a trash can and convinces everyone else to partake, a Mexican Fred Savage says no) and how to pass off what most would consider tripping while casually walking through the projects...as breakdancing. (starts at 3:03)


He thought of everything. Next Mother's Day. Don't buy your moms a gift, just perform this rap entitled "Treat Your Mother Right (Treat Her Right)":




Whole motivational video is here in 6 parts, well worth watching.

Mr. T then went on to star in a number of commercials where his career basically tanked.

Oh yeah, how could I forget...he was also a pro-wrestler and Hulk Hogan's tag team partner in the first fuckin' Wrestle Mania! Some journalist I am! That's pretty awesome, though.

For the ladies out there, Mr. T is single and lives on a 20 acre ranch in sunny California. Be warned though, he is uber-christian. He said after Hurricane Katrina, God came to him and said he could never wear the gold chains again. Which he dutifully obeys, unless its for a Snicker's commercial with the catchy slogan of "Get Some Nuts!" (there's that exclamation mark again) or a World of Warcraft commercial with the catchphrase "I'm Mr. T and I'm a Night Elf Mohawk!" (punctuation added for effect)


So I suggest polishing off that dusty box of condoms you were saving for when you moved out of your mother's house, call up the girl that touched you on the arm in the fifth grade and settle down for a romantic lovefest of sweaty men beating the shit out of each other with Rocky I - III. She'll cry, probably from having to spend 6 hours with you, but I guarantee you you will get some action, from the TV screen, anyways.

Rocky I

Rocky II

Rocky III

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Who knew the Taliban liked Andy Warhol?

I am not even joking when I say that Mumbles
looked alot like the guy on the left in law school

In keeping with my theme this week of things that creep me out, I stumbled across this very strange collection of pictures from awhile ago (courtesy of an old post from The Culture Spoon via instapundit). When the Taliban fled Kandahar in late-2001 one of the things left behind were these portraits they had taken at local photo "studios" but hadn't yet picked up. Freelance photographer Thomas Dvorak found and purchased them from the Kandahar photographers who claimed that most of the subjects were probably dead anyway.

What is truly bizarre is how amazingly effeminate the photos are. I suppose this might be partially explained by an amateur photographer who was ham-handedly trying to create some atmosphere or maybe had a suicidal sense of humor, perhaps the subjects might not have fully appreciated the whole scene. Perhaps the same photographer with the same equipment could have done equally disturbing photos of folks from rural Americana. But, I mean, even given some latitude for cultural differences and some undoubted cherry-picking of the most extreme examples these are REALLY effeminate. Many have eyeliner, carry flowers (and guns), hold hands and stand in front of photos of some random Swiss chalets or something. I would kick a photographer's ass if he pulled this crap on me, and I don't live in a broken culture ruled by gun-wielding religious fanatics who kill homosexuals as a matter of policy (despite characterizations put forth by certain kooky elements of American counter-culture). Perhaps there is a specific custom which explains them which I would love to learn if someone can share it.

Anyway, enjoy --or be creeped out by-- these strange artifacts of one of the strangest failed national social experiments in modern times (choice selections after the break and check out the whole collection here):

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MTV Posts Every Music Video Ever? BULLSHIT.

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. MTV finally did something that gave them some value to me. Gizmodo reported earlier today that MTV put up all their archived videos, including the MTV Unplugged sessions. I got on there and looked around and couldn't even find Thom Yorke/UNKLE's A Rabbit In your Headlights. Although I believe this video was banned in the US because the realistic looking of a car plowing through a man, (head on at the 1:38 mark) if your gonna make a claim like that, they should at least have Radiohead related videos. Maybe they meant they Posted every SHITTY music video. Non-Shitty Video after the jump.

href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1axl_radiohead-rabbit-in-your-headlights_music">Radiohead - Rabbit in your headlights
Uploaded by Youpinadi

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A Real Thanks to Give

America is a weird beast. I am the first to admit this. I get scared of it and worried for it and hear my heart beat a different button for it. I worry and scream when it hurts and feel like it is worrying and screaming now. But unfortunately, I am retardedly patriotic. I mean that in the deepest sense of retarded patriotism. Just like I love in the most retardest sense of religion. I have no logic to support me, i just believe.

It is for this reason I give thanks. I have had a deep, dark past few months. Trouble has come knocking in a way that I cannot believe. I have felt shat on and lonely in all of lonelinesses glory. I gave up and drank my way to yesterday, hoping I would get there in two pieces, one being my father. I hoped so bad. I prayed the day before thanksgiving. That was too late. He was already taken care of. Regardless of me and my prayers, he was ok. It was because of his sister. A different type of angel. One that doesn't pray, but one that does, do.

It is for her that I am thankful. Thank you Shari. Thank you.








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Bizarre, Creepy and Sexy Halloween Costumes

You have to love those guys at Cracked.com, they really have the ridiculous Halloween costume photos, down! A couple of years ago they did a review of the weird Japanese shit that's out there (if you've ever heard of their porn, their costumes are weirder, like the one above) I have taken the time to peruse all types of sites offering the bizarre, the vintage and the sexy.

I'll start with the bizarre cause they are the most entertaining. Then we'll give a brief few seconds to Wired.com's article regarding some nutjob who is obsessed with old-old costumes. Or photos of people wearing them. And some of them are creepy. Lastly, I'll cover a few of the costumes and sites of the sexier set, you know, for all of you who have girlfriends (real or imaginary).


JAPANESE COSTUMES

Skippomac's costume this year

More photos and links after the jump.

The old, "My head has been digested by a pig" costume

Japanese people really, really love hotdogs and any way to fashion something that looks like a penis hanging between your legs.

I think this is called, "The Dick Cycle" costume

GERMAN COSTUMES

Hey, can you tell we're in Germany? Of course you can, they love their racists costumes. Clowns are black....

...and so are cavemen! Didn't ya know?

You know Siemens, the large german cell phone manufacturer? Well their extensive team of engineeers spent years developing THE FIRST HUMAN CELLPHONE. No bluetooth earpiece need, just talk to the receiver. Located under the zero button.

FishMan

DreidelMan, part of that reparation deal, I guess.

'HALLOWEEN IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA'

These are interesting and a little creepy. Just because people were poor, it didn't stop the kids from having a good ole time trick or treatin' for rusty nails and bread scraps.

The Kung Fat Master

The kids Michael Myers stole all his shit from.

SEXY COSTUMES

This is the reason I love Halloween so much. It gives every girl a complete excuse to dress like a complete slut and lose all inhibitions. Well, so the story goes for every halloween party I don't get invited to. My past celebrations usually involve a smorgasbord of the cheapest liquors available for purchase, four or five fat girls with bad skin and about 20 dudes with beards talking about the last metal show they went to. I think this year I'm just gonna cut out the fat chicks and dudes with beards. Keep the cheap liquor and read blogs about those parties with hot chicks and pretend...Those hot chicks may or may not be dressed like this:

Star Wars! Jabba slave Princess Leia!

Some Kind of Army Shit!

A cop that will write you a ticket for being naughty!

Whore Mummy (aka, your mom...)

These are only a few of the many. Be sure to check out the links below to get the full sampling.

Japs and Germs and the World

Old Kids

Sluts and Floozies


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