Can't Download KFC Chicken Coupon, You Can Now

Want your KFC riot inducing coupon now? Well it's too late. Unless you come here. Get it for free at mumbletomyneighbor.com

You see, after it was posted on the internet and spoken as of writ on Oprah, website became clogged. It crashed conveniently. Yum Brands, KFC's owner, somehow traded up on this disastrous uproar, with riots in midtown Manhattan, the heart of the impervious NYC Manhattan Non-Wall Street empire, shops closed. Riots were induced. Sit-ins were invoked. Didn't find the news early enough? Here's the solution.

Download it here. Mumbletomyneighbor will provide it for you. You see, after the link was posted on various websites, Oprah mentioned it on her TV show, thereby causing it to crash. No one could download so Oprah posted the PDF to the "UNIVERSAL COUPON" which is located after the jump. No serial numbers change. Print and copy with abandon. Middle America, I salute you. The full coupon, after the jump.




Free Full Meal Coupon
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Like Having a Bum Cage in the Bronx Zoo...

Oh goodness, this is too funny. From Reuters:

Afghanistan's Only Pig Quarantined in Flu Fear

By Golnar Motevalli

KABUL (Reuters) - Afghanistan's only known pig has been locked in a room, away from visitors to Kabul zoo where it normally grazes beside deer and goats, because people are worried it could infect them with the virus popularly known as swine flu.

The pig is a curiosity in Muslim Afghanistan, where pork and pig products are illegal because they are considered irreligious, and has been in quarantine since Sunday after visitors expressed alarm it could spread the new flu strain.

"For now the pig is under quarantine, we built it a room because of swine influenza," Aziz Gul Saqib, director of Kabul Zoo, told Reuters. "We've done this because people are worried about getting the flu."
(ED: they're worried about getting the flu when they only have one pig in the whole damned country??)

Worldwide, more than 1,000 people have been infected with the virus, according to the World Health Organization, which also says 26 people have so far died from the strain. All but one of the deaths were in Mexico, the epicenter of the outbreak.

There are no pig farms in Afghanistan and no direct civilian flights between Kabul and Mexico.

"We understand that, but most people don't have enough knowledge. When they see the pig in the cage they get worried and think that they could get ill," Saqib said.

The pig was a gift to the zoo from China, which itself quarantined some 70 Mexicans, 26 Canadians and four Americans in the past week, but later released them.

Some visitors were not concerned about the fate of the pig and said locking it away was probably for the best.

"Influenza is quite contagious and if it passes between people and animals then there's no need for the pig to be here," zoo visitor Farzana said.

Shabby and rundown, Kabul Zoo is a far cry from zoos in the developed world, but has nevertheless come a long way since it suffered on the front line of Afghanistan's 1992-4 civil war.

Mujahideen fighters then ate the deer and rabbits and shot dead the zoo's sole elephant. Shells shattered the aquarium.

One fighter climbed into the lion enclosure but was immediately killed by Marjan, the zoo's most famous inhabitant. The man's brother returned the next day and lobbed a hand grenade at the lion leaving him toothless and blind.

The zoo now holds two lions who replaced Marjan who died of old age in 2002 as well as endangered local leopards. In all, it houses 42 species of birds and mammals and 36 types of fish and attracts up to 10,000 visitors on weekends.

(Reporting by Golnar Motevalli; Editing by Jon Hemming)

Oh goodness...

Reuters

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The Ballerina

Years ago before the woman that is the focus of our story became the surface of a newspaper headline she grew up in a town of central Ohio. One with hopes and dreams of being a professional ballerina. She wore pink when she went to bed and pink when she went to school. Oftentimes, the widget wouldn't allow the parents to supplement her clothing with the colors that she wished and she wore red and orange and yellow and imagined them to be those simple shades of red and white to create a hue of ballerinaism that she so desired. She danced in her bedroom and in her bathroom to sounds of excess and chainsaws and pop stars hoping for a better life. One of stages and bright lights but found none. She grew old and tired and aged and restless, wrinkled and rounded; her face and whiskers framed by her lips. She was ugly, no woman liked her, and no boy would talk to her. She was what they called an outcast, she was a Clyde when she only wanted to be a Bonnie. So she practiced her moves and pranced about her bedroom in the recesses of her night, Without phone, without journal and most definitely, without makeup. As those tiny little slippers that were given to her became to thin for her to wear outside of her room she started to feel the bristles of the carpet and as she did she started to feel the sound, no the feeling of dancing. She buried herself in all of the greats of the time, the Britney Spears, the Christina Aguilera, the simple Mexican pop stars that were relegated to oap operas that noone would ever see or hear from again and she never replaced the shoes.
To read more click here.


She cut holes in the toes to allow her feet to breathe, to sing the songs of of anathemic bliss that her heart felt every day but her motions were not able to express. And little by little her grace became something elegant. She walked different. She talked different. Well that was because she was wearing braces. But still, she talked different. Her grades began to slacken but her parents said nothing because she was a different person. Not locked in her room reading strange books about dinosaurs at the tender age of 13 but reading books about reptiles and studying them with a fervor that few could understand, including the author of this story. And her parents. And everyone else. But she danced and danced.

She joined the high school pep squad and soon became a phenomenon. She was known as far and as wide as all pep squad girls were. Her poster was plastered all the places that posters of the entire pep squad was plastered. The cafeteria, the theatre, the pep squad practice room! She was the third from the left on the second to the last row. And there was her name! She had finally achieved the recognition she deserved. She could be apart of the Ohio players had there not have already been an Ohio players! But she was a part of the Shanawsee Saints and she was proud. Football games and football games she danced in line with other women of her shape and stature and wore those holy slippers underneath her dancing shoes as socks and took the crowd by storm. She knew the saints were not a winning team, but only, only if she could only dance more than at half time she could inspire them, make them feel what she could feel…

The saints failed again that year, to go to the playoffs, or win a game for that matter. The district that they were in had a clause that only those teams that had playoff teams were allowed to compete in the Ohio Pep Wonder Playoffs. A competition of thousands, well, 20 or so that would compete for an award that was so large that only two or three could place their hands on before it was covered in palms and everyone else just touched the hands that touched it. But that year light shone on her. And gave her a chance to remove those holy shoes that made her the dancer she was and replace them with those of greatness.

The competition was one that was sponsored by the local radio station called, "This is What we Call hip-Hop" and she took that as a sign for her. One that gave her presence and opportunity to show that she not only stood for the saints or Shawnasee or dancing but herself.

The contest required a 20 second audition veto that needed a 5 second intro as to why you should be considered but also a 15 second dance routine as to why you should also be a qualified dancing contestant. She listened to the radio every night to hear those that called in and said they would be the next ABBA Dancing Queen.

There was a girl that she had known since childhood that was so pretty that when boys saw her in the passageways of the school they stopped and yelled things at her like she was a star, things she didn't understand, but knew they were important. She knew about lips and licking and icecream but she wished she was that to them on the dance floor. She would be one day.

She practiced her routine. Hard. As fast and as rigorous as she could. She sweated and slept in her workout clothes. She fell asleep to her music, her secret song that she told noone about, not even her most trusted companion, her mental journal! She knew how it worked, if you wrote it down, love would betray you and your secrets would be gone. Dance was this and nothing would betray her from him…or her. Or it. Nothing.

As the competition deadline got closer she had to find a video editrix. Someone that could embody her style of her work. Make it personal but also flamboyant at the same time. But she had no friends and no where to go so she started to think.

But then she realized she had no friends, so she was out of ideas again.

So she went to the only place she knew

She went to the drama department and asked the first person she saw. A boy Nam Nam McCready that was tall and dreamy like a luscious little rainbow popscicle that you bought with the last pennies you found in your parents couch and when you opened it you wanted to eat it but it was so luscious and dreamy that you just let it melt on your hands and told everyone that you did. Eat it I mean. He said yes, of course with conditions, those being that she eat him; like he was luscious and dreamy like a popsicle and not to let any of it spill on her hand like in her imagination but to make sure that all went into her mouth and she said yes and got that over with and Sean went about constructing a set out of the leftover material from a previous one act. But give me a fuckin' toss. I'm shooting for something here. Listen to me.

It was soft and frilly. It was big and fluffy. And the music, was well, less than expected. It came from a boom box in a corner and sounded like it. Sean suggested she act like she sing along with it against her own better judgments and she did a run through that she wasn't proud of but she soldiered on, after all, that's what dance was about, sacrifice. But then he wasn't happy and she wasn't happy and he started talking about the rainbow popsicle again and she remembered…that was how they met?

So she said, lets do it again this time without the nudity and the close-ups and "all that" and just the music and the dance, oohhh…the dance she loved so much. He acquiesced, she did it and they stopped. She looked at it and knew it was a keeper. She made him put it on a tape, did the popsicle thing a few more time than she wanted, and waited for the radio station to call.

The days creeped like extra pounds on a scale that she had tried so hard to get rid of before a contest. And as the sunshine came and fell at dawn so did her hope that they would ring her in the respect that her at her discarded dawn in her shoes deserved.

She fell that day. Down the stairs of her parents stairs marked with photos of her as a dancing queen at the age of five in front of so many at the Shawnasee music hall, when she did a rendition of 80's Tiffany that left people stunned and speechless hoping for more but got nothing else. The picture of her at the high school dance lesson where they took photos through a window that they told them was one way but wasn't and all the people including her parents saw her trip and fall into that pirouette of Billy Jean. She fell like bricks. Bricks dropped on a sack of potatoes. And crushed by a flaming bag of shit. That was set on fire and rubbed in her face to make her know that she wasn't worth it it.

The contest deadline came and the phone call came and she knew she was a lost cause and nursed her wounds and hoped that…they called.

They did, they said they liked her tape and wanted her to come in for the live radio audition. Her spirits filled. Her leg welled. As th blood rushed to her brain so did the passion for dancing to her heart.







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Google Trends Says Swine Flu DEFINITELY Serious

Click to see chart...

WASHINGTON, DC. (AP)-- It was reported on Monday April 28, 2009 at 2:49 PM EST that the fatal Swine Flu is "definitely something to panic about." President Barack Obama waited patiently in his office eschewing and dismissing facts and figures from institutions such as the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, his Secretary of Health and Human Services, Kathleen Sebelius and his mother, even though she supposedly "always kn(e)w best."

Click thru for the REST of the story...

Instead, he adamantly sat at his computer constantly hitting refresh on Google Trends painstakingly waiting for that fateful moment...when Swine Flu surpassed Susan Boyle on the "Top 100 Trends" of the day. An unidentified aide said Obama slowly placed his hand to his head and muttered, "Oh snap, B! Now it's time to fucking panic..."

BEFORE IT WAS TIME TO PANIC...

AFTER IT WAS TIME TO PANIC...

Despite that at the time there had only been 20 fatal cases worldwide, all relegated to a small province outside Mexico City, the White House and US Media moved forward with a full court 'media induced panic' press that has not been seen since the previous scares of Y2K, Bird Flu, SARS, anthrax, WMD, West Nile Virus, Killer Bees and a few weeks ago, the Conficker Virus. It should be noted that more Mexican's died in trunk smugglings, cock-fights gone wrong and pinata accidents than those who died of the Swine flu thus far.

Although the panic that was induced from these previous scares far outweighs the actual merit of the panic, Americans remained nonplussed.

"You can say what you want, man! They can try to squash the White House scandals, they can try to say that aliens don't exist, but the one thing they have no control over is the collective voice of the Blogosphere! When the Blogosphere speaks America listens!" wrote one blogger.

However, he should have wrote, "When the Blogosphere speaks, America doesn't go to work!"

With the massive layoffs and poor economic situation now in the media's past, the new Swine Flu scare has cause 98% of Americans to forget we are a broken nation. Unfortunately, their bosses didn't. All the crazies that refused to go to work for fear of this epidemic have made selecting the next round of layoffs that much easier.

Despite the hullubaloo surrounding the scare, the White House still managed to work up an appetite of presidential proportions. Someone from the back of the room yelled, "I buy, you fly!" To president Obama.

He quickly responded, "Hell no! Who brought their C-Lo dice up in this piece!"

Vice President Joe Biden quickly intervened, "Guys, I think we have a Yahtzee game somewhere around here..."







Colbert's Outro from last night...


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Laughter Is The Best Medicine For This Crisis We Are In

So I give you Darrell Bluett, the world's worst comedian. More »

Love in the first degree

Sometimes life gives you a hand full of nothing. Then, sometimes it gives you a hand full of shit. You can neither discern between nothing, or shit. I discerned for everything. I waited and I wanted. I got neither. I stared at goats and got everything. Fighting for something does not equal losing everything. Getting your shit together will get it all back home again. June is the new Easter. See you soon. Sorry to be so cryptic. Love you baby. Here is the first time i have given a fake photo of us. Watch Randy Owen, he's not really playing the guitar.

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Fat Kids: Fat Kid Lights Himself on Fire

Fat Kids have always been a source of entertainment for me. While chatting with Skippomac today he sent me another link proving that Texas is yet again the most badass state in the land. I told you previously about the Texas High School basketball team that was beaten 100-0 (they were mentally handicapped, the victors, NOT!) Well here we have "Fight Clubs being held at the home of the retarded"

Apparently the school has been around since 1970 and has the most entertaining physical education program in the world.

He told me he was conflicted about that and I was like, "Why? Free + Awesome = Unconflicted"

Then he goes on: "I would love to stage retard fights, but I know it is something you just think about, not actually DO."

That my friends is the difference between a Texan and an Oregonian. This is the first in a new segment I am gonna call 'Fat Kids.' It's basically going to surround the theme of fat kids doing stupid shit and people doing stupid shit to fat kids. After the jump, watch a fat kid spray HIMSELF down with lighter fluid and set himself on fire. What do you think happens? FREE + AWESOME, that's what happens.

Here are some screenshots for the technologically impaired.















Retards Can't Jump
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Add Bacon To Any Website To Make It Better

Chick-a-bac-a-pedia.com © Mumbles

What's better than a website full of hot chicks? (Trying to keep this safe for work, pervs...) A website full of hot chicks covered in bacon! Thanks to some weirdo with too much time on his hands, this effect can be achieved on any site. Click through for the how to!


I just suckered you into the click through! Just type the full website address (with http://) after: http://bacolicio.us/

For example this blog would be: http://bacolicio.us/http://mumbletomyneighbor.blogspot.com/


If you want to make links more interesting, I suggest typing original link and then inserting the bacon hyperlink so the users have no idea what the hell happened. Like this: www.google.com

In gmail, just type the link as the receiver is used to seeing it, then insert the hyperlink by pressing:




In outlook, just type CTRL + K or Insert -> Hyperlink and type desired text as below:




Ok, now have a blast wasting you and your coworkers time! Chickipedia and other Pedia Websites were reviewed before here at : Pedia Websites

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Russian Nuclear Power Plant Calendar Goes Nuclear

Russia never ceases to entertain. When times get tough, why not make a calendar! You know, to remind everyone of that nuclear success that was Chernobyl which required the evacuation and resettlement of 336,000 people and cost $200 billion to only partially repair. (I know it's technically the Ukraine, but to me, Soviet Union will always be considered Russia...)

Never you mind, the calendar will not feature the human and animal victims mutated after the fallout. That wouldn't sell too well! It's going to feature females who are employed in Russian power plants. All proceeds will go to the funding of Putin's Russian Major Motion Picture debut, PUTIN POWER! Putin single-handedly destroys the USA, and then China. Oh and he crushes Georgia on his way back from getting a pack of cigarettes. 11 more photos of the nominees after the jump.





















Photos from EnglishRussia
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DOGFISH FIGHT!

[CLICK TO ENLARGE PHOTOS]

Which one is the best fake Dogfish? You decide!

There is a new breed of a strange looking, prehistoric type dogfish that has washed up onshore at an undisclosed location, by an undisclosed person at an undisclosed time. I call "bullshit" first! The thing is when we got to talking about it, this ain't the first fake dogfish to be found on the intrawebs. They're everywhere! I've collected three good ones, with some commentary and analysis. Wait til you see the video of "Dogfish C," he's so real and cute you're gonna immediately attempt to train your dog (at the sight of a Beggin Strip!) to hump your pet goldfish in the footsteps of your Idol, Ilya Ivanovich Ivanov, aka the real life Dr. Moreau. Click through for all the details and video.

Dogfish A

The thing you have to think about in this picture is the amount of time it takes to create a fake photo in photoshop versus creating a fake animal with some paint and glue. My photshop skills are three-legged dog at best, but this one looks like it would take some time. The obvious errors that are pointed out below are baffling. I mean why would it take so much time to snap the photos that all the seagulls leave in the second photo. And have time for the pink seacow to show up in the third? And the fourth photo? Why would they need to cut and past the dogfish back into the same background? And do so as horrible as they did? I mean the mistake wouldn't have been noticeable if they would have cropped it. [CLICK TO ENLARGE PHOTOS]











Dogfish B

This looks as if it were an entry to a photoshop contest held everyday on the website Worth1000. This is a great site and the "artists" on there amazing. I mean, while you guys are trying to cut and paste your best friends face onto that of the fat girl you tried to finger bang last night, the true professionals are spending their time creating masterpieces such as those below.





Dogfish C

This one wins. Watch. The soundtrack makes me wispy.




If you liked this you'll probably like another cryptozoological post titled Plum Island of Dr. Moreau. (click here)

Dogfish A: Academifantasia
Dogfish B: Worth1000

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