Tuesday, August 19, 2008


If you were paying attention, and not looking at your favorite pay per view site, Sea-Monkeys don’t exist. I know this is getting pretty shitty, first Skippomac’s debunking of the Chinese foot pads and now this. Good news though, brine shrimp do! Yes, those Sea-Monkeys you loved and watched die as a child were not just figments of your imagination, like the unconditional love from your parents. Sorry, get over it.

This is a new series entitled: SCIENCE EXPLAINED….where I do extensive research into things that confuse me. If Skippomac is going to start writing about smart shit, then I have do my part to keep up. Can’t let our readers stay dumb. And let’s get honest, there are only so many Spaghetti Cats and Barkies out there for me to get by posting without having to do any work.

Get the rest of the story that will get you laid at the next party you weren’t invited to in the first place after the jump.

Ok, in order to keep you interested, I’ll give you the money shot first. The guy that first marketed Sea-Monkeys was the same guy that “invented” X-Ray Glasses. For all of you readers under 50, they don’t really work. Sea-Monkeys do, however, and use large amounts of SCIENCE to give you the wonderful lesson in life creation that made these so popular. (for families too poor and parents to lazy to clean a fish tank, the ads use to highlight this by saying, “Raise a Sea-Monkey Family…in an ordinary milk glass!” )

The most interesting part of Sea-Monkeys is how they work. Remember I said how they used SCIENCE? Well, they do. Sea-Monkeys, when purchased, come in three packages marked “1” (water purifier), “2”(instant life), and “3”(growth food).

Step 1, fill some shit with water, preferably something you can see though (watching them have sex is the best part). Put in water purifier. This is a lie, its actually brine shrimp eggs in a state of cryobiosis, an extreme dehydration, similar to criobiosis (think false rumor of beloved Walt Disney). This state of suspended animation allows the shrimp to resume life upon rehydration. 24 hours later, add package number 2, the instant life, which is in fact more eggs. Then they begin fucking like ghetto rats. Then you feed them and yada yada yada… Science is getting boring here to me, but you get the point. If you still don’t understand, watch this
and buy them here.

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