RAMBO V : DONATE BLOOD

What Rambo looks like now...
If you paste his head on Kim Jong Il's naked body, that is.

[UPDATE : Variety pulls their heads out of their asses and confirms what I told you about a year ago. Post, plot lines and spoilers after the jump!]


WTF? Rambo 5? Hollywood finally pulled their heads out of their asses and is starting to make real movies again! Enough of that arty, cutsie, love bug movies! I want some blood! And so does Rambo, cause he's like 80 and is in need of dialysis twice a day...

Rambo V will focus on him wheeling himself around and pitifully asking, "Donate blood to a war veteran? Donate blood, please sir?" It will be reality TV at its worse. And 2 hours long. And you have to pay $11.50 to see it. Hey, but at least they didn't have to pay Stallone to write another winner of a script!

[SPOILER ALERT: Rambo dies at the end! What you think anyone is gonna pay attention to a B-List has been long enough to donate blood? Gimme a break people, this is Hollywood!]

I like to think back when Rambo was awesome. Taking a gander at the Rambo death chart helps do that, even though it reminds me that Rambo only killed one person in the first one. Don't believe me? Click through for the stats.




Confirmation via Variety
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30 AFTER 30

NOW WITH VIDEO

Yesterday I told you that it was a friend's birthday and posted a video of BIRFDAY DRUNK in the Ukraine. I decided it was be fun to take said friend/guinea pig to an all you can drink birthday bar in Manhattan called CheapShots. It's as classy as it sounds. Almost any early afternoon of the week you can find a man who gets wheeled into the bar in his chair by his large black male nurse, proceeds to get Navajo knackered and then wheeled back to his apt to piss his bed. The nurse drinks too. They do this every day. I didn't see him there yesterday so maybe he died.

So anyways, because I'm a cheap bastard I took my friend, Forrest there. All I had to do is pay his tip. And him being a guy who likes to get his money's worth, he decided to see how much he could drink (he was going for 30 drinks and just turned 30, hence the title) and I decided to document the whole thing with a camera. You know, for history's sake. The number in each photo is representative of what drink it was, my camera angles got a little unsteady as the night went on so I've done the counting so you don't have to. So here we go, all the photos and video after the jump.







I got a new camera and accidentally left the posterization on. Sorry, the rest aren't like this. Look at how happy and pretty he looks. He won't stay this way for long.

Alcohol Warning #1 : Excessive consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that others are laughing with you. That's the bartender Jen. She sees this everyday. She's definitely laughing at you.

This is the only photo I missed.

Alcohol Warning #2: Excessive alcohol consumption may lead you to believe that you are smarter and better looking than most people. You're not, that's why you're going to try and drink 30 cocktails/shots and let me photograph it. Right.

Alcohol Warning #3: Excessive alcohol consumption may lead to the illusion that you look cooler than you are. This will be the first of 5,000 photos of the guy on the right. Because i'll be referring to him later on, let's make up a name for him. How about...Fusco? Sound good? Okay. He must have showed up drunk.

This guy just looks like a bear but he's actually straight.

This guy? Naw, he's really a bear. For definition, see link above.

Alcohol Warning #4 : Excessive alcohol consumption may reveal that you ARE A CREEPY WEIRDO.

Let's play a game, it's called "Where's Fusco." Yeah, game over.

She's holding that dollar up because that's how much she was gonna tip. Oh, wait...or was how much she charges an hour? I don't remember, this is about when it started to get hazy.

Yep. Him again. See how small that shot glass is? I lobbied for banning them but after taking one of them (i think that's called a red headed slut) there was alot of bourbon in it along with some sweet liquid so at there very least I hoped it would make him throw up all over himself. Oh and get him kicked out. That's the other rule to Drink Free on Your Birthday Night, "You throw up, your gone."

Apparently there was a reason Fusco was in all the pictures. Because at this moment Fusco was hearing "Ifuckinloveyousomuchman" whispered in his right ear Or something like that.

Alcohol Warning # 5 : Other people might not think your jokes (read, insults) are not as funny as you do. I think the "1" in the middle was meant for me. I kept telling her insulting Asian jokes all night. (She's not Asian.)

Alcohol Warning #6 : Excessive alcohol consumption may lead you to believe that sticking your pinky out while you drink a 2 dollar shot in a bar called CheapShots that smells like dog piss and vomit makes you... "CLASSY." This will be one of many so watch for it, the pinky also screwed up the "holding up the finger" thing, so, way to go, jackass.

Weirdo.

He's kind of like me, his drunkeness comes in waves. He was mellow, got rowdy and now is settling into a nice smiley high. He'll come back down, don't worry.

Still up there, looking decent...

Wait, here we go, getting a little rambunctious here. Pulling random girls in too close and too tight. Notice shes not holding up a finger OR looking at the camera. Yeah, she probably didn't want to be there. I'm sure he hadn't bathed in two days at this point and smelled like 3 days of vodka sweats.

Those Asian jokes are really coming back to haunt me, huh. They must have not liked them either. Naw, just kidding. That's Elliot Kang and John Lee. They're in the picture because of one of many lies I told that evening. They think I work for the NY Post. They bought him a couple of shots of Patron. Patron is full price. Honesty is not always the best policy. Sorry, Dad.

And here it is. He's fucked up. Wearing a hat like a d-bag. Definitely not the best look for ya.

After repeatedly bashing him in the head every time he screwed up the finger count with his pinky, he finally came to grips and starting doing the opposite. Making a fist. I told him if he kept sticking his pinky out we were gonna have to take the picture over and I would run out of film before the night was over. It worked.

The bear is praising Jesus. I don't know what the others are doing.

Here he uses the middle finger to make a "1" like he was the first one to do it all night or like it's the first time he has done it in a photograph. I guess it's one of those jokes that's so funny it never gets old. Oh and look, another bear. Birfday boy must taste like honey.


He made it to 22 drinks. Not bad for three hours. To this, I give you props, Forrest. Until my birthday, that is. So the night pretty much ended there. Well, right after he crashed into a corner, tried to throw his cousin into moving traffic, told her she was a pussy and then proceeded to walk into moving traffic himself, stopping cars and attracting WAY too much attention. Then he quietly snuck off into the night never to be heard from again. Naw, he showed up to work on time and is just fine. So, in short, I guess the kids can try this one at home. I'm out.

Video courtesy of Fusco.





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Birfday Drunk

Tonight is a friend's birthday. All you can drink if it's your birthday. We will be somewhere under the levels of intoxication of the video above. I love Ukrainian Youtube.

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Red Star Chinese Vodka : Getting Drunk on the Cheap

I was drinking this at a BBQ earlier this summer and had no idea what it was. I just saw 56%, and it really didn’t taste like 112 proof. I got blitzed and the girl said it cost like 4 dollars. Needless to say, I was in love. I took a photo with my phone and brought it to a Chinese guy in our IT dept o decode. He said it was for trashy drunks and I said I know, tell me what it is, I want some. So he says its called Red Star Er Guo Tou Jiu. I know the name isn't very catchy, I don't give a shit, that’s not China's forte. Getting you plastered on the cheap, however, undoubtedly is.

So I come to work today and guess what the dude from IT dept has for me? A huge bottle or the RED STAR! So I guess now I know they are good for something!

Do yourself a favor and pick you up some of this stuff in Chinatown to ensure you get your bang on with some high class bottle swillin slut at your last BBQ of the summer. Good Luck! For another Awesome article on booze, read about Drank and Mumbles Semi Home Made Drink o'the Summer, Hawaiian Drunch (Suck it Sandra Lee!)



Photo VIA, but he don't know shit, says it tastes like gas, but shit tastes damn good to me...
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STEVEN SEAGAL IS A REAL M*THAF*CKIN POLICEMAN?

OMG. WTF. STFU. SYP.

Steven Seagal is a real police officer???!!! and has been "doing it for 20 years between films." How the hell did I not know this?? Well A & E did. And they are now embroiled in a lawsuit that may pre-empt production with another production company called The Idea Factory. You know why? Cause someone else claimed they thought of this first! But there idea was a little different. So the judge said get the hell out of here. You know what their idea was? The same idea every kid had back in 1988!

"What would happen if you put Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme (JCVD) and Steven Seagal (SS) in a house together?"

Well, that idea has a whole lot less ass whoopin' than the kids ideas in '88, but that seems to be the only shit TV execs can come up with. Here's a better TV idea:

"What would happen if you put a band of donkeys, three Tijuana whores and a mariachi band in a house together?"

"F*ckin TV Gold! That's what!"

Anyway, the show, "Steven Seagal : Lawman" debuts on A & E in December without the JCVD, Chuck Norris part. In order to settle this lawsuit they should just combine their ideas and let them join Steve's police force and call it COPS : THE BADASS VERSION! I mean, Norris was a Texas Ranger and JCVD was a TimeCop so they are all thoroughly trained. Just saying.

During the promotional trailer, Seagal actually says, "It's not a job, it's an adventure!" Which has to be one of the gayest things ever. And by SS standards, that is pretty damn gay. Gayer than 2 dudes blowing each other. Gayer than a Jonas Bros. three-way. Gayer than Perez Hilton blowing Richard Simmons while the J Bros tag teamed him. I hope you didn't read this before you were about to eat lunch. Click through to watch the trailer.


This is not the first time I've went apeshit on Steven Seagal before. Check out Valentines Day Sucks: Steven Seagal is a World Class Douchebag for more pain.

And for the funniest episode of cops you have ever seen in your life watch this one where the cops try to chase a midget and he eludes them in a very peculiar way...



And for more posts on midgets, check out Verne "Mini Me" Troyer : Midget Masochist where I show how hot all of Mini Me's girlfriends are and they are so totally not just raping him for all his money.
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Winkers : Pants For Jackasses

NOT A VIDEO, STOP CLICKING IT

File this in the why didn't think of that category. Actually, don't. These are pants that make your ass looks like it's winking at people who are staring at it. It's like, everyone's going, "Hey, look at how fat that dude's ass is! Oh gross! And how ill fitting his pants are!" And your ass puts on this little smirk like when a pederast finds out his catch is even younger than he thought, chuckles and WINKS as to go, "Yeah, I know I'm awesome."

But you're not. You're a complete dumbass. This stuff had to be made by the Brits. Just had to. Some limey was sitting around in his dreary ass flat and started watching reruns of Pamela Anderson's tits bouncing around and was all, "Wanker! Wait...no...Winkers!"

And he thought they would be really big in California or something. Ahh screw it, just watch the video after the jump.




From Dlisted
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Splitter 2, More Fun Than Fantastic Contraption

Months ago I started a series on becoming less productive at the workplace called TIMEWASTER. I found a couple of online games that were highly addictive, my favorite being Fantastic Contraption, a game that is governed by a few basic principles of physics. Using those laws you "build" contraption designed to move a little red ball from one place to another. The newest sibling of Fantastic Contraption is Splitter 2. Instead of building contraptions you deconstruct previously designed ones to move Splitter (a little yellow circle with a smiley face) from one place to another. You can "split" wood, ropes and whatnot to use gravity and motion to achieve the required tasks. Quite fun. Perfect for August at the office.

[WARNING: Ad starts automatically, I can't remove it, it's embedded in the game, turn off sound before the jump!]

To play Splitter 2, click through....




Due to technical difficulties, I'll place a link til I figure how to have it playable in Shittynet Explorer.

PLAY IT HERE if you still have IE on your computer, although I don;t know why anyone would use such garbage!


For Fantastic Contraption, Click HERE.
For Escapa or Red Square, click HERE.






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More Homemade Birthday Cards

Click to Enlarge.

I made this for a co worker today. I'm not sure if got the humor. I guess he really loves lions. For more awesome homemade birthday cards, click here.
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World's Most Badass Dancer

Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze, Kevin Bacon and Kenny Powers. Bow bitches. Meet your new arch-nemisis, The Lollapalooza Dance Machine! This dude has so many moves, he never even needs to recycle one. The Ground Puncher, the Bicycle Kick, The Desk Elbow, The Flamingo, the list just goes on and on. Click through for the most hilarious thing you will see today.



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Boy In Banana Suit Does Something Stupid (besides putting on banana suit...) FAKE VIRAL VIDEO

[EDITOR UPDATE: YOUTUBE.COM REMOVED VIDEO, SORRY SHOULD'VE LOOKED EARLIER]

So this jackass decides to pour rubbing alcohol that his mother must have drank while she was pregnant with him all over his body and then set himself on fire. Hilarity ensues. Strangely enough, another young boy (surprisingly from Florida) decides to imitate this disaster by siphoning/huffing gasoline from a lawnmower and spitting all over his dumbass accomplice and, yes, setting him on fire. Russell Gortzig now suffers from second degree burns. Check out wetsuit in shower. Why is he in shower? Previously suffered from first degree retardation. To watch the inspiring video, click thru for
Tons of FREE videos at Office cow your online video site

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BadAssvertising : Bruno Kammerl’s Megawoosh Viral Video

Microsoft finally did something cool for a change. Why it chose to have Bruno Kammerl create a viral video of for Office 2007, I don't really know. Probably for the same reason they spent a fortune on the Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Gates commercials only to pull them before seeing hardly any airtime. (Here) In the video, Bruno slides down the worlds largest slip and slide, is launched approximately 500 feet into a very small inflatable pool.He rises unharmed. The video is very well done. See if you can spot the tell tale signs of fakery in the video after the jump.

Via TodaysBigThing
Full Video at Bruno's website, HERE.



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Create Your Own Kenyan Birth Certificate

Click to Enlarge

Yeah, that's pretty much it. I got nothing. Thanks for the tipoff, Nat!


Kenyanbirthcertificategenerator.com More »

Highest Skydive Ever : Project Excelsior III

I was drunk and at a bar with the only guy that gets drunk with me at a bar nowadays and we started a discussion. Well it was more a yelling match cause that's what he does when he's not listening. Well I guess I should call it an interrupting match cause we were both yelling and spilling our drinks interrupting each other. Wait a minute, I wasn't at a bar, I was at work, but yes, we were still both drunk and yelling and interrupting each other. I know what your thinking and don't worry, it's ok to drink where I work, everyone there is dead, they can't smell it. Wait, no, what I mean to say is they are almost dead. Ahh, screw I work at a funeral home, ok?

So anyways, this guy has short attention span theater to the highest degree and I can only engage him from his iPhone when I am pointing at hot girl or talking about dumb shit like this. In order to when this interrupting contest, I am actually looking this shit up so we know the answer instead of pretending like we are the authoritative source on shit we know absolutely nothing about.

I'll give him this, he was right about the hot air balloon.

I posed the question of what was the highest altitude anyone had skydived from. Instead of whipping out his trusty iPhone and "easily solving it", he waxed and waned about some shit I don't remember. But here's the answer. 102,800 fucking feet or about 20 miles or about 3 times higher than any commercial airliner or about 31,300 meters. That's really high. He was way above the clouds. Dude couldn't even tell he was falling. Had no idea if he was up or down. First time he tried he lost consciousness and was only saved by an automatic suit. He went into a flat spin causing him to experience a g-force of 22 times the force of gravity. Yes he was wearing a pressurization suit and he reached the speed of sound. Only Bob Munden could wrap his head around that. He was freefalling for over 4 minutes and 30 seconds. Time from jump to landing was over 13 and a half minutes. He broke all existing records and still holds them today. Oh, and this was all done in 1960. And he has it all on camera. After the jump...



Info from here.
More info on this badass. HERE

More on the speed of sound, the American Badass, Bob Munden, fastest Gunslinger ever. HERE


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UPDATED Why Do Black People Hate White People: Juggalos

0Actual Nickname: Sir Cool Juggalo

In my extensive research on the Juggalo Gang Posse from Utah I found out a few things.
1. They are 4,000 strong
2. They are from Utah
3. They paint their faces like clowns
4. The name comes from what is regarded to be a fan of Insane Clown Posse (a female is a juggalette)
5. They like to kidnap little boys

Gay Kidnapper

Talk about a force to be reckoned with! An all white gang that wears makeup, listens to one horrible band exclusively and kidnaps little boys. Hardcore! And I thought it didn't get any gayer than The Lavender Panthers! The all gay vigilante group that struck back at gay bashers in San Francisco. Admittedly gay!

More info on Juggalos and photo collection after the jump.



As defined by one poster on ebaums world:

A juggalette is a morbidly obese and/or borderline-retarded 16-year-old girl who has zero friends and listens to the Insane Clown Posse religiously. Scientists have, within the last year, been able to prove that if you look into their eyes, you WILL turn into a cheeseburger and they WILL engage in an eat attack. They typically have worst-case-scenario acne and their love life does not exist beyond internet cybersex with juggalos.

Interesting Facts:

* 90% of all juggalettes have penises.
* Juggalettes can rarely spell properly.
* They are almost always captured when the bait is a stick of butter.
* All Juggalettes have throat chlamydia.
* They harbor extreme swamp crotch and when in close proximity, the aroma will seep into your lungs and you WILL die.
* Most have an outer layer of lard around the brain that slows even the most basic cognitive ability.
* "Juggalo For Life-a-low"
* "I'm down with the clown till I'm dead in the ground."


Juggalo Skillz

Aside from planning their afterlife in Shangri-la, some Juggalos have become good at stuff. Juggalo 'skillz' include:

* Whining
* Necrophilia
* Mime
* Taking your order with a smile
* Gaining weight
* Buying 60 dollar t-shirts

__________________

They also like to design the most horrible websites in the world talking about their sexual exploits. check out this one, he's famous.

The text is a little hard to read so i'll make it bigger for you:

"hey hey hey WHAT UP NINJA"S!!! life has been BUSY as fuck for this juggalo, this last weekend i made my big vegas porn movie premeir, at first i tried out for the part of COCKLOSUS in "seX-MEN 2" but it being my first tyme out, and me being a lil camra shy, i ended up settleing for a cameo appirenece in "the PHAT and the FURIOUS 9" if you check it out i'm in costume, i play the donkey."

So be sure and put that one on your netflix folks. Sex Men 2. I have collected a few photos of this notorious band of miscreants for your viewing pleasure.






Real gangs from Cracked.

[EDIT]
Seeing as this post has generated a few comments from actual juggalos. One from a real life "RETARD" juggalo who claims he is nothing like the Juggalos profiled in this post, however his comment is rife with misspellings and open ended threats. The second "enlightened" juggalo tries to align being a juggalo with some ancient chinese mysticsm. However with lyrics sucha as this "Sometimes I put em in a bowling bag and bring em to work, play with their hair under my desk with my barefoot" I have to say, "STFU." I an't buying it. Especially after watching the documentary that follows. Juggaloalex420 says that a real juggalo is not a sheep. To that I say "BAAAA." How can throwing a festival hours from civilization that lasts for multiple day with the only source of food, water, beer and merchandise come from Insane Clown Posse not be a sheepfest? Oh and they charge your dumbasses $150 bucks a ticket. To give them all your money, all weekend.

For an hour and a half of enough d - baggery to last a lifetime watch for free online...

The Juggalo Gathering Documentary : A Family Underground



UPDATE: Want more on Juggalos? here

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