Monday, August 24, 2009



Steven Seagal is a real police officer???!!! and has been "doing it for 20 years between films." How the hell did I not know this?? Well A & E did. And they are now embroiled in a lawsuit that may pre-empt production with another production company called The Idea Factory. You know why? Cause someone else claimed they thought of this first! But there idea was a little different. So the judge said get the hell out of here. You know what their idea was? The same idea every kid had back in 1988!

"What would happen if you put Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme (JCVD) and Steven Seagal (SS) in a house together?"

Well, that idea has a whole lot less ass whoopin' than the kids ideas in '88, but that seems to be the only shit TV execs can come up with. Here's a better TV idea:

"What would happen if you put a band of donkeys, three Tijuana whores and a mariachi band in a house together?"

"F*ckin TV Gold! That's what!"

Anyway, the show, "Steven Seagal : Lawman" debuts on A & E in December without the JCVD, Chuck Norris part. In order to settle this lawsuit they should just combine their ideas and let them join Steve's police force and call it COPS : THE BADASS VERSION! I mean, Norris was a Texas Ranger and JCVD was a TimeCop so they are all thoroughly trained. Just saying.

During the promotional trailer, Seagal actually says, "It's not a job, it's an adventure!" Which has to be one of the gayest things ever. And by SS standards, that is pretty damn gay. Gayer than 2 dudes blowing each other. Gayer than a Jonas Bros. three-way. Gayer than Perez Hilton blowing Richard Simmons while the J Bros tag teamed him. I hope you didn't read this before you were about to eat lunch. Click through to watch the trailer.

This is not the first time I've went apeshit on Steven Seagal before. Check out Valentines Day Sucks: Steven Seagal is a World Class Douchebag for more pain.

And for the funniest episode of cops you have ever seen in your life watch this one where the cops try to chase a midget and he eludes them in a very peculiar way...

And for more posts on midgets, check out Verne "Mini Me" Troyer : Midget Masochist where I show how hot all of Mini Me's girlfriends are and they are so totally not just raping him for all his money.

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