Thursday, August 27, 2009

30 AFTER 30


Yesterday I told you that it was a friend's birthday and posted a video of BIRFDAY DRUNK in the Ukraine. I decided it was be fun to take said friend/guinea pig to an all you can drink birthday bar in Manhattan called CheapShots. It's as classy as it sounds. Almost any early afternoon of the week you can find a man who gets wheeled into the bar in his chair by his large black male nurse, proceeds to get Navajo knackered and then wheeled back to his apt to piss his bed. The nurse drinks too. They do this every day. I didn't see him there yesterday so maybe he died.

So anyways, because I'm a cheap bastard I took my friend, Forrest there. All I had to do is pay his tip. And him being a guy who likes to get his money's worth, he decided to see how much he could drink (he was going for 30 drinks and just turned 30, hence the title) and I decided to document the whole thing with a camera. You know, for history's sake. The number in each photo is representative of what drink it was, my camera angles got a little unsteady as the night went on so I've done the counting so you don't have to. So here we go, all the photos and video after the jump.

I got a new camera and accidentally left the posterization on. Sorry, the rest aren't like this. Look at how happy and pretty he looks. He won't stay this way for long.

Alcohol Warning #1 : Excessive consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that others are laughing with you. That's the bartender Jen. She sees this everyday. She's definitely laughing at you.
This is the only photo I missed.

Alcohol Warning #2: Excessive alcohol consumption may lead you to believe that you are smarter and better looking than most people. You're not, that's why you're going to try and drink 30 cocktails/shots and let me photograph it. Right.

Alcohol Warning #3: Excessive alcohol consumption may lead to the illusion that you look cooler than you are. This will be the first of 5,000 photos of the guy on the right. Because i'll be referring to him later on, let's make up a name for him. How about...Fusco? Sound good? Okay. He must have showed up drunk.

This guy just looks like a bear but he's actually straight.

This guy? Naw, he's really a bear. For definition, see link above.

Alcohol Warning #4 : Excessive alcohol consumption may reveal that you ARE A CREEPY WEIRDO.

Let's play a game, it's called "Where's Fusco." Yeah, game over.

She's holding that dollar up because that's how much she was gonna tip. Oh, wait...or was how much she charges an hour? I don't remember, this is about when it started to get hazy.

Yep. Him again. See how small that shot glass is? I lobbied for banning them but after taking one of them (i think that's called a red headed slut) there was alot of bourbon in it along with some sweet liquid so at there very least I hoped it would make him throw up all over himself. Oh and get him kicked out. That's the other rule to Drink Free on Your Birthday Night, "You throw up, your gone."

Apparently there was a reason Fusco was in all the pictures. Because at this moment Fusco was hearing "Ifuckinloveyousomuchman" whispered in his right ear Or something like that.

Alcohol Warning # 5 : Other people might not think your jokes (read, insults) are not as funny as you do. I think the "1" in the middle was meant for me. I kept telling her insulting Asian jokes all night. (She's not Asian.)

Alcohol Warning #6 : Excessive alcohol consumption may lead you to believe that sticking your pinky out while you drink a 2 dollar shot in a bar called CheapShots that smells like dog piss and vomit makes you... "CLASSY." This will be one of many so watch for it, the pinky also screwed up the "holding up the finger" thing, so, way to go, jackass.


He's kind of like me, his drunkeness comes in waves. He was mellow, got rowdy and now is settling into a nice smiley high. He'll come back down, don't worry.

Still up there, looking decent...

Wait, here we go, getting a little rambunctious here. Pulling random girls in too close and too tight. Notice shes not holding up a finger OR looking at the camera. Yeah, she probably didn't want to be there. I'm sure he hadn't bathed in two days at this point and smelled like 3 days of vodka sweats.

Those Asian jokes are really coming back to haunt me, huh. They must have not liked them either. Naw, just kidding. That's Elliot Kang and John Lee. They're in the picture because of one of many lies I told that evening. They think I work for the NY Post. They bought him a couple of shots of Patron. Patron is full price. Honesty is not always the best policy. Sorry, Dad.

And here it is. He's fucked up. Wearing a hat like a d-bag. Definitely not the best look for ya.

After repeatedly bashing him in the head every time he screwed up the finger count with his pinky, he finally came to grips and starting doing the opposite. Making a fist. I told him if he kept sticking his pinky out we were gonna have to take the picture over and I would run out of film before the night was over. It worked.

The bear is praising Jesus. I don't know what the others are doing.

Here he uses the middle finger to make a "1" like he was the first one to do it all night or like it's the first time he has done it in a photograph. I guess it's one of those jokes that's so funny it never gets old. Oh and look, another bear. Birfday boy must taste like honey.

He made it to 22 drinks. Not bad for three hours. To this, I give you props, Forrest. Until my birthday, that is. So the night pretty much ended there. Well, right after he crashed into a corner, tried to throw his cousin into moving traffic, told her she was a pussy and then proceeded to walk into moving traffic himself, stopping cars and attracting WAY too much attention. Then he quietly snuck off into the night never to be heard from again. Naw, he showed up to work on time and is just fine. So, in short, I guess the kids can try this one at home. I'm out.

Video courtesy of Fusco.

1 comment:

mumbles said...

I forgot about this line from last night.

"To my cousin from his friend "He's going home in a free car service tonight courtesy of ny mother f'in pd"

from the girl holding the dollar in photo 9. Check out her Twitter: