Thursday, July 3, 2008


I discuss religion with many people who I no longer call my friend. I BELIEVE, they don't, but nonetheless, we never agree. As long as we try, we keep gettin high, but you know we got to believe...

But God exists in our man called Mr. God Hands. So large he fells bulls with a single blow. Stronger than hope for the unemployed, weaker than desperation for the unemployed. The GodHand exists. From now on, when you pray, don't look up but look at the rapid motion north and south in your midsection...

Real Name: Choi Yeong-eui, later changed to Masutatsu Oyama

Superpower: Super-Karate!

Masutatsu Oyama was born in Korea in 1927 and later moved to Japan, where he studied karate. Unlike most famous martial artists, Oyama is not famous for his movie roles, where stunt men and clever editing can make anyone look like a badass.

No, Oyama preferred a different sort of theater. He used to have live public demonstrations where he would fight and kill a bull with his bare hands. Just because it bears repeating, let's write that again: He could kill a bull with his hands. If you want to know how idiotically hard that is, we cordially invite you to go out and punch a bull in the face. Go on, we'll wait here. OK, we're not really waiting since whoever just went out to try that isn't coming back.

All in all, Oyama fought and killed 52 bulls, three of which were killed instantly with one blow. Forty-nine had their horns chopped off with karate blows. He gained the nickname of The Godhand and was considered the living manifestation of the Japanese warrior's maxim "One strike, certain death."

If you're thinking his skills only worked against livestock, you should know that Oyama once tested himself in a kumite, a series of two-minute fights against different opponents, each of which you must win to continue. Oyama took on 300 men over the course of three days. According to some, the only reason it didn't reach 400 was because opponents started to get tired of getting punched in the face.

There have been three movies made based on his life: Champion of Death, Karate Bearfighter, and Karate for Life. That's right, there exists in the world a movie based on an actual man's life that wound up with the title Karate Bearfighter. Why? Because it's probable Oyama actually fought a goddamn bear once, and that bear is buried in a shallow grave covered in dirt and the tears of his relatives as we speak.

1 comment:

Katro said...

I know this legend from studying under someone who was taught by a guy who learned from a guy who trained under Mas Oyama himself!