Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Polish vs. American Movie Posters, A Pop Quiz

Polish movie poster for Back to The Future III : Sex with Michael J Fox is on Fire

I know I pretty much stole this idea from Cracked.com but this Polish guy works with me and I wanted to send around a link that had a bunch of retarded Polish movie posters of Hollywood blockbusters. Like the joke goes,

"How many polish guys does it take to draw a movie poster for a Hollywood blockbuster?"

"One. And 2 hits of acid."

When I started looking around I noticed that there were a bunch of posters out there that kicked their American counterparts asses. So that gave me the edge I needed. I could write a post and make fun of Poland but redeem it in the end. Thereby making SAWWAP or Safe At Work With A Pole.

I took the liberty of making a little visual pop quiz. It's harder than it sounds. I got 4 out of 8. See if you can beat me. Quiz and more after the jump.

Ok. Let's start out with an 80's classic. Remember, the movie poster is there to persuade you to come to the movie. So many times, the marketing dept knows they have a real stinker on their hands so they make something very minor appear to be something very major in the poster. This usually works on me when they try and make me think I will see Angelina Jolies breasts. A Mighty Heart? Love usually equals sex in my book and sex equals seeing her breasts. Just so you know, ain't happening. Floozy just cries the whole damn movie.

Anyway, I digress. Poland obviously did not see the comedic genius in two guys carrying around a dead dude at a beach resort. I guess it was too close to home for the all the Polish pollution leaving rotting seagull corpses on their beaches.

That and the fact that the Polish REALLY love Hamburger Helper. One problem. HAMBURGER HELPER IS NOT IN THE MOVIE!!!

This folks, is called the bait and switch. And I don't care which language you do it in, it's WRONG! All those poor Poles! Obviously the studio, in an attempt to capitalize on the anomalistic success of this movie in Poland:

They made it appear as if the star of HH: The Movie was the main character in Weekend At Bernie's. Dirty, dirty advertising. I would've asked for a refund. Oops. I guess I gave the answer to the first question away. Moving right along...

Now I've thought Matthew Broderick was an undercover homo for a while now. He'd have to be to hang around that horse face wife of his and her cackling crew of hags. But man, the designer of one of these posters called that mutha out in 1983! Talk about SUPER DUPER GAYDAR. Is that something all Poles have? Just saying...

This is one of those acid ones I was talking about. I mean this movie makes you wanna take your kids to see it? Makes me wanna GIVE my kids acid and go see it with them.

I'm pretty sure they didn't have Photoshop back when this movie came out, but I don't think that's any excuse for the studio exec outsourcing the creation of this poster to a 10 year old who had a gay dad and a beastly ugly mother and ask him this question:

"Please draw a picture of your father immediately after he finishes boning your moms."

I don't really remember this movie but I'm pretty sure it wasn't about favorite sexual positions of monkeys. Seeing as I don't remember seeing the movie, I'm sure the American poster didn't do it's job. However the Mad Magazine style poster would probably get me to get it off Netflix, cause you know, I'm a big fan doin' it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

I don't know how many of you saw the critically acclaimed Chinatown, but it involves a private eye whose working a boring adultery case and stumbles upon a huge city wide plot of corruption surrounding water rights. This is what happens when you get someone to design a poster who has never seen a movie. The poster on the right convinces me that this movie is about a guy that learns the lessons of picking your nose with a knife, the hard way. But I already learned this lesson. In the tenth grade. No mystery here. Wouldn't see it.

This one I don't understand. It's just confusing to me. Confusing like the time in the third grade, after just moving to yet another new school. The teacher made me stand up in front of everyone to tell a little about myself. And to the question of "What is your favorite sport?" I answered, being from Texas, "Monster Trucking." A loud roar erupted from the back of a class and an extremely excited fat, dirty, kid that I later found out was nicknamed Dirty Ricky yelled, "ME TOO! ME TOO! I LOVE MONSTER TRUCKING TOO!"

Being short on friends and bored, I had my father schedule a play date with him via his mother. Upon arriving, me, excited with the opportunities of friendship that lied ahead, ran into Ricky's room with gusto, my two best and baddest monster trucks, one in each hand, arms overhead to find...

Dirty Ricky, pants down, on top and actively fornicating a life size gorrilla I later realized to be King Kong while quite vigorously licking the taint of what appeared to be a very deformed Godzilla.

Not knowing what to do but knowing I didn't want to be friends with Dirty Ricky, I placed my Jeep monster truck on the floor, placed my foot between the two bucket seats and used it like a skate to roll down his dirty hallway. Why? I don't know. I was confused. As confused as that Polish poster makes me of Alien.

"What's the movie about?"

"I don't know."

(skates away on a monster truck....)

It took me years before I realized that Dirt Ricky loved "Monster F*cking" and not "Monster Trucking."

This one is obviously a continuation of the first Airplane poster theme. The airplane was flying through the air, tied in a not attempting to convey, "This film is so zany it will leave you tied in knots from laughter." However, what it says to me is this movie is about licking ass on a plane. Which may be better or worse, depending on what your favorite pasttimes are . If Dirty Ricky was more into airplanes and less into monsters, he for example, would love this movie.


So now, I'm gonna do that part where I redeem Polish artists. Cause like I said, i had to really look for the goofy Polish designs. most of them kicked ass. I mean Airplane 2 was stupid but it served as the inspirational precursor to this artist stunning depiction of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. I think he's comparing her to Eve of Adam & Eve.The root of all evil. She screwed it up for everyone. He sounds like he's got some mommy issues.

I think the concept is great in this one. I mean, he was probably all,

"I want all the illiterates out there to be able to look at my poster and still be able to 'read' it. Ya know?"

But he said it in Polish and was smoking a joint.
This is one of those posters you get, AFTER, you see the movie.

This one just scares the shit out of me.



JS said...

"Escape from the planet of the apes" is NOT a movie poster. It's a parody drew by a Polish cartoonist, Andrzej Mleczko (http://mleczko.interia.pl/).

Natalie said...

um.. i totally don't see any difference in the muppet poster... should i be allowed to have kids though? that is the real question.

mumbles said...

Oh, sorry about that JS. I guess I should fire our staff of cracked fact checkers. I referred to them as cracked because they actually smoke crack.