Deadwood

When I was a child, I used to marvel on the possibilities of nature when inspecting a piece of my father's petrified wood that he used as a paperweight for the bills that served as a visual measuring stick for our debt. That lead us to our place. It was so...well...old. I was also fascinated with dinosaurs and spent a large amount of time reading those books in aisles of the library without actually checking them out. (my last name made me a source of ridicule at the counter, imagine that, being ridiculed at the library checkout counter)

Now that I am older I still become amazed on these simple things, evolution, creationism, black holes, wtf? There are speeds of light? I still don't understand that shit. But being from Texas and a piece of the home of the Wild West I wander and think of a time when things were so much simpler. A time when men spoke what they thought and said what they did. (and according to this series did both better than we do)

And then theres the thought of reverse evolutionism. Are we getting dumber as the world gets older? Not a new topic by any means but one worth contemplating. Here is season one in all its glory of Deadwood. They solved problems at hand by dealing with them by hands, not emails. Fall in love with Ian McShane. I dare you. Implement in this character in your life. POST results. It took me a few times to get into it but i really think it's amazingly brilliant. Enough to watch again.

I played a game when I first watched all three seasons in two weeks, every time they drink whiskey, you do. It's fun to me, but maybe you don't think fun is getting ate by pigs...Wait, I mean feeding people to pigs. (much more funner) Stay away from the Tile bar during happy hour on Wednesday - Friday, it messes with your coordination. This post proves it.

the link.

deadwoodfloatsonwater

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ESTEBAN'S DELIGHT

So there's this guy that works with me. For the sake of respecting people's anonymity we'll just call him "Esteban". He's probably the only guy I work with that could roll with me through my hood and have a good time. Wait, no there's one more, but that's probably it. So he's coming in through the revolving doors downstairs and sees "this fine-ass chick just staring at me" and doesn't know what's going on. So he starts scoping her out when the next lady who comes through the doors points quietly and says "There she is...and she staring right at you." So Esteban now knows it's not in his head and all of a sudden some girl goes up and asks the woman for a photograph.

Now Esteban's like losing his mind now. His man junk is jumping around like a room full of ninjas and he grows a pair and walks up to talk to her. The conversation, paraphrased of course:

Esteban: I just wanted to tell you, you look beautiful today, miss.

Fineasschick: I know, but thank you.

Esteban: What brings you into this building?

Fineasschick: I was just doing an interview at the radio station.


Esteban: So what's your plans now? Why are you just waiting in the lobby?

Fineasschick: I'm waiting for my limo.

Esteban: Oh, that sounds nice, so you wanna go out or something tonite? I'll show you around?

Fineasschick: I would like to but i have to go out with my family tonite and we're leaving early for LA tomorrow.

Esteban: Awww, that's too bad. Well can I take a picture with you seeing as everyone else is and I don;t know ho you are?

Fineasschick:(Not believing what shes hearing...) I'm Kim Kardashian.


So now Esteban knows he's heard that name before (esteban lives in a cave by the way and doesn't read newspapers) and it's starts filtering through his mind and then it hits him, she's on the cover and centerfold of a a magazine he has at home he keeps under his mattress. Esteban takes a photo. He comes upstairs and tells me. Some days, I wish I was "Esteban".

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BE AN ASSHOLE

I just saw this on the subway this morning. I hate this guy so much. What a fuckin asshole. What is he selling? New album? Movie? No. Just himself. "Dr. Douche, Dr. Douche, we have a cleanup on aisle 9..."

"Now that he don't kill me
Can only make me vomit longer
I need you to hurry up now
Cause I can't wait much longer"

I don't know if he knows it or not but he's advertising on the G train. What does that stand for? But what do I know, to get home from work I take the F to the A to the G. I hate my fucking life.



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KFC offers $Tit.99 Tuesdays

This is true. The local KFC here in BedStuy offers $2.99 Tuesdays. A breast, a biscuit and a side order for less than 3 bucks. PETA just doesn't understand to get people to stop eating chicken, they should leave all the bare breasted females out of the free advertising, however, this protest was in San Francisco, which is why I'm typing this with chicken grease on my fingers. Hey, we're in a recession here.

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Banksy Identified?

Well, well, well...It looks like everyone's favorite mystery artist is a mystery no more. The artist formerly known as Banksy made a nice name for himself by tastefully placing his choice graffiti in very interesting locations and selling paintings to the likes of Brangelina for gobs of money.

Well I guess now he'll make even more ridiculous amounts of money now that they can put a face with a name. I don't know about you but I wouldn't feel too comfortable paypalling thousands of dollars to mysteryguy@yahoo.com just because he wants to keep his identity secret. Now he can open a proper gallery and call it Gunningham's. Just doesn't have the same ring to it. Art examples after the jump. Thank the

Daily Mail

for raining on our Major League Parade today.








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That Kind of Heavy

Sometimes we all creep on a different kind of strange. A hope and a feel that wants and desires a lewdness that brings us something familiar but something different. Meet: The Heavy. The best band you never heard of that rocks C. Mayfield with an English psychedelia that would make the Small Faces jealous.

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Under a Bus

If bus is so deep then why do we have to be? wrapped in hope an consequence and all that shit? throw me under the bus and make sure that you hit me with all 12 wheels. thumpity thimp, thumpity thump thump...thumpity thump.

Jesus is the reason for the season so lets get twisted. like christmas lights. unconventional. hopin for romance. wishin for new propositions...waiting for the facts of life...


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GodHand

I discuss religion with many people who I no longer call my friend. I BELIEVE, they don't, but nonetheless, we never agree. As long as we try, we keep gettin high, but you know we got to believe...

But God exists in our man called Mr. God Hands. So large he fells bulls with a single blow. Stronger than hope for the unemployed, weaker than desperation for the unemployed. The GodHand exists. From now on, when you pray, don't look up but look at the rapid motion north and south in your midsection...

Real Name: Choi Yeong-eui, later changed to Masutatsu Oyama

Superpower: Super-Karate!

Masutatsu Oyama was born in Korea in 1927 and later moved to Japan, where he studied karate. Unlike most famous martial artists, Oyama is not famous for his movie roles, where stunt men and clever editing can make anyone look like a badass.

No, Oyama preferred a different sort of theater. He used to have live public demonstrations where he would fight and kill a bull with his bare hands. Just because it bears repeating, let's write that again: He could kill a bull with his hands. If you want to know how idiotically hard that is, we cordially invite you to go out and punch a bull in the face. Go on, we'll wait here. OK, we're not really waiting since whoever just went out to try that isn't coming back.

All in all, Oyama fought and killed 52 bulls, three of which were killed instantly with one blow. Forty-nine had their horns chopped off with karate blows. He gained the nickname of The Godhand and was considered the living manifestation of the Japanese warrior's maxim "One strike, certain death."

If you're thinking his skills only worked against livestock, you should know that Oyama once tested himself in a kumite, a series of two-minute fights against different opponents, each of which you must win to continue. Oyama took on 300 men over the course of three days. According to some, the only reason it didn't reach 400 was because opponents started to get tired of getting punched in the face.

There have been three movies made based on his life: Champion of Death, Karate Bearfighter, and Karate for Life. That's right, there exists in the world a movie based on an actual man's life that wound up with the title Karate Bearfighter. Why? Because it's probable Oyama actually fought a goddamn bear once, and that bear is buried in a shallow grave covered in dirt and the tears of his relatives as we speak.

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Chopsticks

So I was thinking the other day while I was destroying my dragon roll with my chopsticks, and thereby making a soy/rice soup, do Chinese people eat everything with chopsticks like we eat everything with silverware?

My old lady was not as intrigued by this as I was and saved it for my Chinese friend at work who said "No, We just use chopsticks for Asian food, moron." Well he actually hates me, but nonetheless he answered my question, cleared my mind and made me one step closer to understanding Asian subculture.

Then I saw this shit.



Ok, ok, ok. Notice in the previous post I said "the weirdest shit you've seen in a long time"? Attentiate on the past perfect grammatical construction.

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Barkies

I have never been a fan of old, old movies, but I have been a fan of acid, getting drunk, getting laid and feeling like I'm on acid while watching dogs getting drunk and laid and speaking the minds of a racist white society in the 1930's.

Huh? I give you: The Dogville Shorts.

MGM made a series of 9 shorts from 1929 - 1931 which recreated scenes from popular musical films with walking, talking, raping, drinking, gambling, smoking dogs. This is the weirdest shit you've seen in along time. You might have to refresh the link a few times to get it to load, but it's worth it.

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