Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Google Trends Says Swine Flu DEFINITELY Serious

Click to see chart...

WASHINGTON, DC. (AP)-- It was reported on Monday April 28, 2009 at 2:49 PM EST that the fatal Swine Flu is "definitely something to panic about." President Barack Obama waited patiently in his office eschewing and dismissing facts and figures from institutions such as the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, his Secretary of Health and Human Services, Kathleen Sebelius and his mother, even though she supposedly "always kn(e)w best."

Click thru for the REST of the story...

Instead, he adamantly sat at his computer constantly hitting refresh on Google Trends painstakingly waiting for that fateful moment...when Swine Flu surpassed Susan Boyle on the "Top 100 Trends" of the day. An unidentified aide said Obama slowly placed his hand to his head and muttered, "Oh snap, B! Now it's time to fucking panic..."



Despite that at the time there had only been 20 fatal cases worldwide, all relegated to a small province outside Mexico City, the White House and US Media moved forward with a full court 'media induced panic' press that has not been seen since the previous scares of Y2K, Bird Flu, SARS, anthrax, WMD, West Nile Virus, Killer Bees and a few weeks ago, the Conficker Virus. It should be noted that more Mexican's died in trunk smugglings, cock-fights gone wrong and pinata accidents than those who died of the Swine flu thus far.

Although the panic that was induced from these previous scares far outweighs the actual merit of the panic, Americans remained nonplussed.

"You can say what you want, man! They can try to squash the White House scandals, they can try to say that aliens don't exist, but the one thing they have no control over is the collective voice of the Blogosphere! When the Blogosphere speaks America listens!" wrote one blogger.

However, he should have wrote, "When the Blogosphere speaks, America doesn't go to work!"

With the massive layoffs and poor economic situation now in the media's past, the new Swine Flu scare has cause 98% of Americans to forget we are a broken nation. Unfortunately, their bosses didn't. All the crazies that refused to go to work for fear of this epidemic have made selecting the next round of layoffs that much easier.

Despite the hullubaloo surrounding the scare, the White House still managed to work up an appetite of presidential proportions. Someone from the back of the room yelled, "I buy, you fly!" To president Obama.

He quickly responded, "Hell no! Who brought their C-Lo dice up in this piece!"

Vice President Joe Biden quickly intervened, "Guys, I think we have a Yahtzee game somewhere around here..."

Colbert's Outro from last night...

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